“If Your Not in the Beauty Olympics, You Can Become A Very Interesting Person”

The title of my post came from the book Sex and the City, (which besides for this epic line, was a complete waste of my time.) I think it sufficiently describes why I now have a semi-interesting blog that I write.

No, I do not believe I come from the Ugly Patch, in fact, I clean up alright,  but I am not a front-runner in the Beauty Olympics either. Being one of only 4 female cousins in my family, I was the one who would never have made it passed the first round of a beauty pageant, and the one who would never have been voted prom queen. I must be satisfied with being the one with the biggest busooms.

In high school, having been the best friend of the Pretty Girl, I focused my attentions on sharpening my piano playing abilities, since there was no way I could keep up with her in the beauty department. My mad music skillz afforded me enough attention to feed my inner histrionic personality monster. Much of my alone time was spent fantasizing about being the belle of the ball, which I think enhanced my imagination enough to turn me into the prolific writer that I am today. (That was a joke.)

I have succumbed to the fact that there are just some things I cannot change about myself (like my face), and I have given up hoping that my non-magical mirror will tell me, “Sparkle, you are the fairest of them all.” Instead, I am happy to report that my mirror no longer screams, “Look away! It hurts my eyes!” I  was quite glad to realize that (in my own opinion) I am one of those people who gets better looking with age. (like Mariska Hargitay) And one thing I’ve learned- if an individual PRETENDS that she is beautifically superior, she can make other people believe it too. Luckily, I have my writing to keep their interest when they find out the truth….

My Life as a Disney Princess

Here are the reason that I believe they could make a Disney movie out of my life:

1. I am unfailingly trusting and would of course eat whatever magical fruit was shoved into my face by a grotesque old woman. After all, my stomach is a bottomless pit, and I am not in the habit of NOT eating whatever is offered to me.

2. I,  on occassion, will burst into song when there are no other ways to express my feelings. I’ve even convinced one of the cooks at work that it will make him feel better if he does this too. He has a very nice singing voice.

3. I have a control-freak father who is convinced the outside world is going to harpoon me in the ass.

4. When I sleep, I am awakened by my Rockstar’s kiss. (except for the times when I’m not awakened. This is due to the fact that a person could lead a marching band across my face and I wouldn’t wake up… I think I must have pricked my finger on a spindle at some point….)

5. I love books, and dream of having a library with one of those ladders that slides around on shelves. This would be very beneficial to making a dramatic ending to any song I may feel the need to burst into.. *swinging around on ladder with arms up, singing* “I love my books! I have to poop!” (I may have to work on the lyrics a bit.)

6. I have no little mice friends, but my imaginary friend Kozzi Gunka would be a cool twist.

7. There are Evil Forces intent on ruining my every happiness. They are known as Bill Collectors.

8. Although not as skinny as those Disney bitches, I have the boobage that would fill out whatever ball gown I might need to wear quite nicely.

9. I don’t have a magic carpet to ride, but I have a dented Mercury Cougar that gets me where I want to go.

10. I don’t have a magic mirror that tells me I’m the fairest of them all, but I have a 9 year old Almost Daughter who tells me she is much more beautiful than me.

11. I must slave away until I magically come into a giant wad of cash.

12. I found my True Love, it just took 2 rounds. Also, I’m not sure how they could incorporate the Fuck Buddy issue into a kid’s movie….