Tag Archives: masturbation

As The People Sleep


The downside to working

the night shift:

The only people awake when you get off

are drunks, insomniacs, vampires,

and you.

Sleep would come

Unbidden,

If I bothered to lie down for a short second,

but being left alone for the weekend,

and wound up from unsatisfying work

leaves me awakened and

buzzed on exhaustion.

So I

partake in Alone Time Behavior.

Bad teen comedies are my guilty pleasure,

and I wonder inanely if your newly done

self pedicure looks as good as the girl’s on

the T.V.

Before you know it,

it’s 4 AM,

and you’ve got less than three hours before you

have to pretend

you’re a Church Person.

Just enough time to

masturbate.

 

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Diagnosis: Psychopath


I have often thought that if I were to go to college, I would be most interested in going for a psychology degree. Getting into people’s heads is highly entertaining to me, and my own unbalanced mind would allow me to relate well to my clients, I think. Anyhoo, one afternoon quite awhile ago, while I was getting my daily dose of top-notch Wikipedia education, I was disturbed to realize that I exhibit most of the traits associated with psychopathy. Let me show you:

(These are taken from the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, which is a diagnostic tool used to rate a person’s psychopathic or antisocial tendencies.)

The twenty traits assessed by the PCL-R score are:

  •         glib and superficial charm: I assure you that whatever charm I emit is not of my own volition; however, when I’m in one of my happy moods, I am not against sucking up to people and telling them how great they are. Mostly this is because I like to make people feel good about themselves.
  •         grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self : I do not think my self-esteem is exaggerated. I really am quite amazing. (Of course, my excess boobage helps with that a bit. ) And I am sure if you were to ask them, my multiple stalker-type creepies would agree with me.
  •         need for stimulation :  See? There’s a reason I get distracted by bright colors and shiny things.  And of course I will take any other sensual stimulation that is offered…
  •         pathological lying : Christopher Meloni was once madly in love with me, and it broke his heart when I told him I just couldn’t be with him because I found my Rockstar. He pines for me incessently, and the director of SVU has told him if he doesn’t stop masturbating to my memory when he’s supposed to be filming, there will be consequences.
  •         cunning and manipulativeness : Yes, I will rub up against you if you give me what I want. What girl wouldn’t?
  •         lack of remorse or guilt: No, I don’t feel bad about rubbing up against you.
  •         superficial emotional responsiveness : THANK YOU family of five who left me no tip after mashing pepperoni and pineapple into the carpet! I hope you found your visit to be pleasant and I look forward to serving you again!
  •         callousness and lack of empathy : This is the only trait that I am not completely sure I possess. Yes, I will tell someone if they ask that they are ugly, but I usually feel bad about it later.
  •         parasitic lifestyle : You’ll have to ask my Rockstar about this one. I find “parasitic”  to be a bit harsh
  •         poor behavioral controls: I blame those on my bi-polarism. In my defense, I haven’t given anybody a severe pounding for several years.
  •         sexual promiscuity : I plead the fifth.
  •         early behavior problems : Trust me, my father assured that I received appropriate corporal punishment for these infractions.
  •         lack of realistic long-term goals: of course I will be able to buy a castle by working as a Pizza Slut. Pshh, you all have no faith.
  •         impulsivity : the proof of this is in my closet and on my feet.
  •         irresponsibility: I pay my bills. If there’s any money left over after I buy shoes.
  •         failure to accept responsibility for own actions: I always heard it was best to shift the blame.
  •         many short-term marital relationships : I only have one so far, but I’m still relatively young.
  •         juvenile delinquency: I once egged someone’s house.
  •         revocation of conditional release: I am quite certain that if I was ever caught and imprisoned, they would think twice before letting me out.
  •         criminal versatility : my multiple personalities make it possible for me to excel in a diversity of criminal offenses.

 

So, there you have it. I should officially be committed. Luckily, you will never know how many people I’ve killed, because you will believe the lies I tell you when I’m flirting with you. 😉

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The Incredibly Talented Hermit Type


Here is my sequal to Joe’s Junk and Other Disturbing Search Terms. I figured I had better address these bizarre search terms before I become buried in them.

Incredibly Talented Hermit Types: Naturally, anyone searching for one of these would be immediately directed to my blog.

Who should I be freinds with: How intelligent of the internet to deliver any friendless beings to me; as I will be able to assist them in their spelling as any good friend would do, as well as be the best friend they will never have.

Strange Mormon Customs: I am assuming this led people seeking info on the Mormon faith to my blog because of my post entitled Story of a Mormon Boy. However, Stories of Mormon Boys and Masturbation as a search term for my site makes more sense, as I do not believe masturbation or posting nudey pics of your butterface girlfriend may technically be considered Mormon customs…

9 yr old girl girl bumps on vagina: this is one of those search terms that delves right into creepiness, which is why it disturbs me so that whoever searched this ended up on my blog. I am unaware of what girl bumps on a vagina would be, but if they are on a 9 yr old girl, this looks like a job for SVU and Chris Meloni- which leads me to….

Naed pics of Chris Meloni: Now I am assuming the individual searching this meant to spell NAKED pics of Chris, or perhaps NEED- which, either way, it makes sense. I certainly need pics of my man Chris on a regular basis, and I would of course never turn down naked ones. This person is my bosom friends. (No, Rants, when I say “Bosom friend”, I do not mean my booby buddy.)

Disney Princess Fuck: I admit, Ariel in the Little Mermaid was one hot piece of tail (Heehee! I am sooo funny!) but any person who wants to fuck a Disney princess is of the lowest, most twisted ilk. Like those guys who say, “Hey! I don’t even have to watch porn!” when they go to the strip clubs in that Playstation game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. (Sadly, I actually know someone who has said this.) As  of yet, Disney has not approached me with a contract to be their next damsel in distress, and unless they raise their ratings to at least PG-13, I highly doubt they will. In the mean time, these sick twisted bastards will have to be content with reading my blog.

P.S. Have any of you noticed that I am not running out of reasons yet to mention Chris Meloni? 😉

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A P.S.A. for Taylor Swift Fans


The following is a public service announcement asking the world to stop the madness that is Taylor Swift fandom.

Taylor Swift should be applauded, for she is an insidious genius. She has taken her vocal range of six notes and applied it to a plethora of  obnoxious songs that appeal to teeny-boppers everywhere. Where would the world be without the aggravating sounds of Taylor informing us that she lost her virginity at Fifteen, while listening to Tim McGraw? I will tell you. We would be in a far superior musical place.

I entreat all readers to shut OFF their radios, until the radio stations quit playing You Belong With Me, because I hate to be the one to break it to you, Taylor, but you belong anywhere that is far from me, with a piece of duct tape over your mouth. The fact that you have deviously brainwashed all radio stations to play your songs incessently makes me cry Teardrops On My Guitar nightly.

Taylor’s exertions to deceive young girls that Today is a Fairytale makes her as guilty as Disney. I would like to here her explanation to the pre-teens who grow up and find that there is most likely NOT a white dress involved, instead, there is a good chance they will  be shopping for diapers in maternity clothes by the time they are 16 because they have looked up to her, and decided it’s ok to have sex at Fifteen because Taylor did. Shame on you, Taylor.

I believe we also should rid ourselves of the clusterfuck that is Taylor’s face. I don’t know about you, but every time I see her on a magazine cover, I think ,”There’s Another Picture To Burn.” To all you teenage boys obsessed I say: I’m sure you would be able to find a much lovelier face and body to masturbate to if you just LOOK AWAY!

No, I do not believe that we need to hear any more of Taylor’s Love Storys, because, let’s face it. The girl is 21. The only thing she has experienced is premature ejaculation and cookie crumbs in bed. If we must endure one more Story of Us– like song, I believe our brains will implode and people will be walking around with brain matter oozing out of their ears.

To the record label that so unwittingly unleashed the Taylor Beast, I have only one thing to say, “You Should’ve Said No.”

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The Story of A Mormon Boy


My post today is about a Mormon boy I worked with once upon a time.

Once upon a time, when Sparklebumps worked at a department store that was overrun with Mormon employees. She became friends with one of the Mormon boys who was on the edge of 20, and they chattered endlessly about the book ideas they had and how best to write said books.

For those of you who don’t know much about Mormon customs, when a Mormon boy graduates from high school, he is then expected to go on a mission to a different part of the world for 2 years. Some choose not to go, and some are not allowed to go when they confess their naughty sex sins to their leader. This boy Sparklebumps knew was to remain in the United States for his mission, due to a health issue.

Now, Sparklebumps has a knack for getting people to talk about very personal stuff. Perhaps it is her sparkling nature, or the fact that no subject is taboo, who knows. Anyhoo, one day the Mormon told Sparkle that he and his girlfriend did IT and how he liked to post pictures of her naked on amature porn websites. He requested that she check them out and get back to him with her honest opinion.

Now Bumps is all about the porn, and was intrigued. What kind of girl dates a Mormon who is taught sex before marriage is bad, yet tempts him enough to both somewhat deny his beliefs and then brag about it? So I looked up the site he gave me.

I was sorely disappointed. Not to say the girl wasn’t hot. In fact, her very perky boobies were surprisingly large for such a young and skinny girly. (Don’t worry, she is legal). The issue I had was in her face. Have any of you heard the term “Butterface”? Because she, unfortuneately, had one.

Butterface: a girl that has a nice body butt boobs and such but her face is very revolting.

Mormon Boy was boisterously curious to see what I had to say about his girlfriend. Sadly, he asked for an honest opinion and since angels cannot lie, I gave it to him. I let him know that his girlfriend had a butterface (as he was obviously unaware of the fact) and told him that I was so distracted by her frontispiece that I was unable to enjoy whatever funness was going on down below. I also let him know that the pictures that screamed, “Look at my pussy!” were not of the classy sort that I prefer. He was disappointed with my review, and assured me he would take some classier photos. I’m not exactly sure why my opinion mattered so, but when I told him I was not especially fond of blondes in the first place, he had her dye her hair.

A few weeks later, Mormon Boy let me know there were new photos to view, as well as a video. With much unease, I made my way to my computer yet again, prepared to have my eyes assaulted by Butterface once more. I was pleased to see that her pictures now whispered, “Would you like to take a look at my pussy?” instead of yelling “Look at my beaver, Bitches!” and the brown hair was a vast improvement. I however, was still disturbed by her face, and the 13 minute video he had me watch was excruciating.

Now, I have spent my fare share of time watching porn (for educational purposes only, of course) and I am appalled at the many women who are very horrific actors in this genre. Mormon Girlfriend was one of them. I have heard that speaking during sex, saying, “Oh, yeah, right there, ooh, you’re SO big, mmmmm, I’m gonna come” is a turn on for guys, but there is a way to make it believable, and then there is the crap way where it just seems like you are bored and want it to be over.

The gist of the video was 13 minutes of masturbation with various toys. I would say that I most adept at getting off when I am servicing myself, so if I were to make a similiar video, there would be no need to fake it. This girl SO obviously was faking it. That and the fact that 13 minutes of jamming toys up your cooch can get tiring to watch made me want to make my own video as a how-to guide.

The Mormon asked me to share around his girlfriend, so I placated him by mentioning her site to several of my Guy Aquaintances. They all said the same thing- “I can find way hotter chics on the internet.” My Rockstar agreed that her face was quite unfortunate-looking.

Anyhoo, the Mormon Boy ended up getting sent on his mission, and then proceeded to get sent home when the guilt of his indiscretions overwhelmed him and he confessed to his elders. He came back home and let me know that he was trying desperately to amend his ways, though at the same time he let me know there were new pics up of his girl.

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I Will Do Nothing Today. It’ll Be Great


The illusive Day Off. I suppose technically I had yesterday off, but I DID have to drive to church and get paid, so that counts as work, right? I also ended up making caramel rolls that turned out pretty awesomely. So…. what shall I do on this day that I really don’t HAVE to do anything on?

A year ago, I would have slept until noon. This seems like a good thing to do on a day off. And it was. Sleep is one of my favorite things to do, which is weird since I think it is a complete waste of time. Unfortuneately, I am really no longer a Child of the Night. My Rockstar leaves for work at 5:30 AM, and I have trained him to kiss me goodbye in the morning, so I usually get up soon after he leaves. Today, I had to take his daughter to school, so I suppose I did have one little thing I HAD to do. I’m back from that now; I made sure to have all the laundry and dishes done, and I scrubbed the floors this morning so I don’t feel guilty sitting on my ass for the rest of the day.

Lap dances.I always have this great idea that I’m going to come up with seductive and bewitching lap dance routines for my Rockstar. He used to frequent the strip clubs in his less-seasoned years, and he probably would still if he had any extra cash lying around. I told him I want to go to Sugardaddy’s for my birthday, but I do believe he is a-scared he shall lose my affections to a stripper. While there is only a slight chance of that, he would most-assuredly lose all his money to one. So, instead, I have vowed to be the awesome girlfriend that I am and try to keep it exciting at home. But really, what is a lap dance? You sit on his lap and grind around, stick your boobies in his face- you know. I’m quite good at those things already, although the boobies in the face happens unintentionally at regular intervals mainly because they are DDD’s. Oops. So I think I won’t practice lap dancing today.

Masturbation. I’ll say it again because it’s so fun- masturbation! Not really much to say there except this is one of my favorite past-times, and I do it quite regularly on my days off. Everybody should give themselves a hand now and then. Sadly, it has no long-lasting adventageous benefits.

Bad Tv. Since I am rarely home alone, there is limited time in which to watch those peurile shows and movies that I am ashamed to admit are my guilty pleasures. I know I am not the only one who will sit through an 8 hr marathon of Sex and the City, or find a thrill out of watching Demi Moore scream, “Suck my dick!” in G.I. Jane. And so, I may just have to find that DVD.

Blogging. Since I am relatively new to the blogging world, I could spend the day surfing around, reading other people’s thoughts on life, love, and meatloaf. Or I could be motivated and entertain you all with my own misadventures and ingenious ruminations on life. I may do that some more later.

McDonald’s. This goes without saying. I rarely have a time when McD’s is serving non-breakfast and I don’t need to cook for my Beloveds. French fries are my favorite. Yes, I should really be exercising so I can fit into my snakeskin satiny pants, but really, who can say no to french fries? My diet can start tomorrow.

So basically, on my day off, I may just have to “audition the finger puppets ” while watching Jennifer’s Body, snarf down a Big Mac, shimmy around naked, and write about it later. Have a Blessed Day. XOXO

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