Tag Archives: McDonald’s

Ten of Life’s Little Disappointments


As much as I’d like to say that every day is a Zippity-Doo-Dah one, there are just a few small trials we all must suffer through that cause a person to cry “Ay me!”

1. After consuming a particularly scrumptious McDonald’s meal, you reach into the bag from which such foody decadence has emerged and realize that there are no squishy, almost-cold bag fries to complete your meal.

2. When trying on clothes in your preferred department store, you realize that your butt is too large to fit in that pair of jeans you found on clearance, or your belly is in the way of zipping them up, or your boobs refuse to be contained in that adorable top you found, or your boobs are not sufficiently ample to fill out that fashionable frock you discovered. This experience is only made worse when you force yourself into said garments, and after discovering they don’t fit, you cannot remove them from your bloated body because your tits are too big and you are forced to call the shopgirl for assistance.

3. When you are daydreaming all day at work of feasting on a delicious bowl of Lucky Charms when you arrive home, only to notice that the milk is expired when you pull it out of the fridge.

4. When you go out for a nice dinner, and are excited to find that there are many hot and attractive female servers on duty, but you are gifted with the one gay guy as your host for the evening.

5. When you work and slave 60 hours a week, only to receive a check that is $200 less than you expected because those fuckers FICA dipped into it.

6. When you drink a lot of whiskey, or rum, or vodka, and have a thrilling and  quite amusing time, until you realize that a lot of whiskey, or rum, or vodka was actually too much, and you spend the rest of the night laying in front of the toilet.

7. When you find out Lady Gaga is finally bringing her tour to town, but the tickets are $160 for nosebleed seats.

8. When you get on the scale.

9. When your alarm clock goes off.

10. When you motion over that stripper that looks so hot on that guy’s lap over there, but as she gets closer, you realize she has a butterface and buck teeth.

Have a nice day.

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Filed under Beauty, Fashion, Humor, Life, Money, Uncategorized, Work

A Valentine’s Day Beheading


For those of you that may not know, Valentine’s Day was started to honor several Christian men named Valentinus who were martyred. That somehow magically turned into a day where people are supposed to lavish cards, flowers, jewelry, and other completely unrelated shit on people they love. Instead of feeling bad about a guy who lost his head (unwillingly) in the 15th century, we now are convinced we should feel bad when our boyfriends’ overlook gifting us with chocolates, and we feel even worse when we don’t even have boyfriends to give us chocolates on February 14th in the first place.

I myself become a little perturbed each year when the red and green M&M’s of Christmas are replaced with the red and white ones of Valentine’s Day. (I realize my annoyance may partially have to do with the fact that in my adult life, I’ve only received a Valentine from my mother… but still.) The over-the-topness of candy hearts and X’s and O’s get to me because- Why the fuck do we need one day of the year specifically set aside to prove our love for someone?

I don’t know about you, but when I love someone, they know it. I don’t have to cut them out a paper heart or give them a rose for them to know they are the apple of my eye. (Or the cause of the shivers in my drawers) I realize many men (and women) are not comfortable expressing their Love Feelings like I am, and so Valentine’s Day is a perfect oppurtunity to do so. But personally, I would much rather have a big hug and a kiss on any other given day of the year than a dozen red roses (which I hate, because I like daisies, dammit) on Valentine’s Day.

Honestly, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all put less effort into loving our Beloveds on Valentine’s and tried harder to love them EVERY other day? If they are having a bad day and bitching at you, wouldn’t it be nice to have a little bit of Love saved up in your back pocket to fling at them, instead of bitching back? If flowers are absolutely necessary, wouldn’t it be nice to be original and send them to your Gal on a day when she and everyone at her work are NOT expecting it, for example, D-Day?

To those of you who read my blog, whether it’s repeat offenders or the individual who read it once and was greatly appalled- I hope you have a loverly Valentine’s Day with as much love as you get the whole rest of the year. And just know that I love you all and I’ll be your backup Valentine if you need me to be.

That being said, I  must admit that the sparkliness of the Valentine’s aisle at Walgreen always draws me in. But if anyone feels the necessity of bestowing gifts on me this day, a bag of French fries from McDonald’s would truly prove your love for me. XOXO

P.S. This rant in no way swayed me in writing a Valentine’s greeting to a crush of my choice, which I shall post shortly.

 

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Filed under Beauty, Humor, Life, Love, Religion, Uncategorized

Fast Food Order


This is what I should ACTUALLY be saying when I order my Big Mac Meal with a side of Chicken Nuggets…

Hi, I would like to order the grime that is stuck to the bottom of the meat grinder which mostly consists of cow eyeballs and bull testes. Can I get that on a stale sesame seed bun with lettuce shreds and “secret” sauce that is probably a mixture of chunky spum and boogers from that guy over there with the unwashed hands. That special sauce tastes delicious.

I’d like to get the biggest side order of fries you have with that; since they are specially designed to keep  fresh for months, if I don’t immediately get ass piss after eating, the french fries I will have eaten will remain freshly preserved in my  gut for an indeterminate amount of time.

Also, I would like a large citrusy drink that in no way resembles fruit juice. It will contain enough sugar to waylay any diabetic seizure I may have.

Could I get a 4 piece side of cancerous chicken flesh that has been mushed together and breaded, please? No I do not require barbecue sauce.

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Filed under Food, Humor, Uncategorized

Thought #17


I think this is #17 anyway. I am too lazy to look.

I was just wondering if the woman (or man, it was up in the air) that I waited on last night had one of those McDonald’s coolers inserted into her (his?) body… because it was a bit disturbing to watch her (him?) suck down 9, I repeat 9!!!!!, refills of fruit punch. I  also wonder if that had anything to do with the putrid odor that was being emitted from the booth she was sitting in. After  she left.

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Filed under Food, Humor, Uncategorized, Work

Thought #15


My Rockstar must NEVER find out that I’ve gone to McDonald’s every day this week. I would be mortified.

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Filed under Food, Humor, Life, Uncategorized