Tag Archives: Megan Fox

You Ain’t All That and a Basket of Crinkle Fries, Megan Fox


Dear Megan Fox,

I realize there are a good many Transformers fans who lust after you, therefore elevating  your ego to contemptable levels. No worries- I am here to point out all your noticeable flaws in hopes of deflating your narssicism back to a more acceptable altitude.

In order the further have my readers canonize me, (and to keep from looking like a completely heartless bitch) I shall first state that I truly admire the inking you’ve had administered to your skinnage. The placement and quotes you’ve chosen are surprisingly lovely. Now that that butt-suckage is out of the way, let the Fox Bashing begin. (Is that the celeb version of seal clubbing, I wonder?)

I have noticed in various interviews you’ve given that you seem to be striving for Angelinaesque shock value. Let me just point out, you are not as talented as she, nor is your kisser bee-stung enough to obtain such status. (No matter how ridiculously you pucker up.) I believe if you were offered a role as a committed sociopath, there would surely be no Oscar in it for you. Crazy people don’t go around posing under hoods of broken-down cars. You’re only strength would therefore prove utterly worthless.

I recognize that the brooching of the next subject may be considered a low blow, but I am not above that. (Notice the clever wordplay there.) It is understood that you had no control over the development of your thumbs, but it would be advisable to go ahead and request a clause in all your ensuing contracts concerning the filming (or the hoped NON-filming) of them. It is in your best interest not to further advertise that you sport the digits of a chimpanzee. As far as wearing your thumbs in public- it’s about time someone brought opera gloves back in style.

If I have not sufficiently offended you yet, let me continue…

I recall a PSA you took part in concerning children’s education not long ago. I find it quite humorous that a person who has made a career of supplying teen boys with spank bank material is also concerned with the mental welfare of said teens. I thought perhaps such interest was to impress your much-older now-husband Brian Austin Green after you realized he found your acting uninspirational. Do not be alarmed; I’m certain his feelings for your are sincere. After all, he is an aging former almost-teen star from BH 90210, and you are a much-googled money train. I wish you both every happiness.

My Rockstar and I agree on one thing concerning you- there’s something wrong with your face. He is convinced it’s because his cock isn’t in it, while I have concluded that you’ve just spent too much time in front of the mirror trying to impersonate Angelina’s nearly-perfect pout. Either way, it’s not very good for you.

I guess that’s all I have to say.

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

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Do I Have That “Thing”?


No, this is not a post to declare to the world that I possess a penis, because I certainly do NOT, and anyway, if I did, I would know it and wouldn’t be asking you people. This is a simply a post to wonder about what gives someone that special “something”, that je ne se qua, that x-factor, that makes them irrestistable to people?

My first example would have to be Marilyn Monroe. Who in the world (at least the world not including third-world countries) does not recognize that sexual icon who was the first to grace the cover of Playboy? Hef obviously thought Marilyn had “it”. John Dougherty, Joe DiMaggio, Arthur Miller, Marlon Brando, and John and Robert (Kennedy) obviously agreed. From everything I’ve read, she was a sweety who just wanted to be loved, so was that the “thing”? Or was it the fact that she wasn’t a size zero and had some nice sweater meat? Because it certainly wasn’t her acting ability that was “it”.

Next on my list is Megan Fox. (Here I would like to state that Megan Fox is completely lovely, but there are many others I would put on the most beautiful list first.) Does anybody (men) remember anything else about the original Transformers movie? My Rockstar certainly doesn’t. I think it’s safe to say that Megan has quite a following, even though she does half-assed movies where she is a circus freak with wings(Passion Play), and bizarre movies where she eats dudes, (Jennifer’s Body, which WAS written hilariously), and so I ask, is it because pretty much the first glimpse the world got was of her bending over a shitty Camaro? I wonder. (Do her creepy toe thumbs mean NOTHING to you people?!)

Angelina. Yes, Ok, so I’ve mentioned Angelina before, and from asking around, most men find her a bit scary and NOT possessing of the “Thing”. But she DID become somewhat of an icon, whether you want to admit it or not. So I think she has “it”. (Perhaps it is due to the stellar sex scenes she did in Original Sin and Taking Lives.) And sadly, for whatever reason I cannot upload a pic of Angelina for you.

Chris Meloni has that “Thing”. And I don’t know what it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyhoo, I got to thinking about this whole je ne se qua thing because I’ve had my share of followers (mainly the desperate and eerie) and I don’t really understand why. I admit that I’m not the ugliest ape in the zoo, but I am far, far from the prettiest. I am absolutely NOT photogenic, so I don’t fit in with the 4 lovelies I’ve mentioned above, and I can be quite lippy, so I wouldn’t think most men would appreciate that either. This may sound completely presumptuous and full of myself, but when my new boss Christophe tell me I “ooze sex appeal”, I’m going to wonder what made him say that. It may be the fact that “oozing” anything makes me sound like I suffer from a venereal disease, but I just really would like to know what gives someone, the “Thing”, because I would never in a million years say I have “it”. If you ask me, the only thing I’ve got is a pair of DDD’s.

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