Tag Archives: Minnesota

A Girl Without a Rocker


I may have mentioned that my Rockstar is from South Dakota, land of…… flatness? I’m not really sure exactly what South Dakota is known for, other than that ridiculous wolf movie starring the equally ridiculous Kevin Costner. (To be clear, the movie was only high in it’s ridiculousness factor because of that silly Kevin person.)

Anyhoo, it has been some fifteen-odd years since my Rockstar decided to uproot himself from the land of buffalo and HyVees and move on over a state to the slightly-less-boring Minnesota. According to him, my great state has only gone downhill since then, though he can hardly argue his reasoning why.

‘Tis true our urban road systems are a bit tricky, what with all the one way streets in downtown Minneapolis and all, but who can argue with a Minnesotan, who possesses that certain “Minnesota nice” quality? To be fair, I think there are quite a lot of dumbshits that live here, but as I have not lived anywhere else, I cannot comment on the asshat ratios between here and there.

My Rockstar and I were watching The Big C last night, which is set in Minnesota. (though for some silly reason is filmed in Connecticut). He commented again on the supposed silliness of Minnesotans, and how the show was correctly written, since (according to him) all of us are off our rockers.

At first, I was intending on taking offense, but upon further reflection, decided I was not one to argue against him, as I myself will admit that I am not completely of the sane nature. I did, however, question him to see if he was including me in his statement.

“Do  you think I am off my rocker?” I asked coquettishly, batting my eyelashes.

Since we were lying in bed in the dark, my lashes were of little concern to him. There was a manly Rockstar giggle before he responded.

“I don’t think you ever found your rocker.”

The man has never spoken truer words.

 

 

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Filed under Books, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized

Driving Minnesota


I have come to believe in my 14 years of driving, that I should be the only Minnesota driver on the road. This is why:

Last Saturday. it decided to snow. One of the joys of living in Minnesota is listening to the dumbshit weather people, and then laughing uncontrollably when they get it wrong. Every day. As I have never lived in another state, I do not know if ALL weather people went to Idiot School, but I am most assured that all the  Minnesotan ones did.

Anyhoo, the forecast for our first wintry storm was 1-2 inches. Then it changed to 3-4.  From what I could tell, it was at least 7. Now, I am not a great measurer of things, but I DO know what 7 inches looks like, (after all, that’s average )  After my Rockstar cleaned off my car for me, (because he refuses to tell me he loves me) I was off to work.

Now, I know several people who live in Minnesota that have not originated here, and I ask them all the same question. Why the fuck would you move HERE?! I admit, our ten thousand lakes (mudholes and swamps) may attract fisherman types, however, the long stretches of marshy swamplands along our highways would convince me this is a place NOT to move to, if I were a visitor. Anyway, my point is, most of the drivers on the road should be used to a bit of snow. This seems not to be the case.

There is a very strange thing that happens to Minnesota drivers when it snows. The people who normally are zipping along at excessive speeds instead are creeping along at 25-30 mph. I realize it is safest to slow down a bit because of icy roads, but when the plow has just blown by (while pelting my car with a wave of grey slush) there is no reason not to go at least 55. What never fails is that on a 4 lane highway, I will be stuck behind one of these fucktards; meanwhile, the plow that is scraping an almost clear road is blocking the other lane.  The result is a line of cars, bumper to bumper, two miles long, all because Joe Asshat forgot how to drive in the snow.

What is especially amusing is the number of cars one will see along a highway during the first snowfall of the year. How cruel of me to laugh at other people’s expense, you say? I have earned the right to laugh at these fools; having put my own car in the ditch 5 or 7 times. Every single one of those times was because I was going too fast and not paying attention on gravel roads. I am happy to say that it’s been at least 7 years since I’ve spent time in a ditch.

Getting to town is especially excruciating. I am convinced that St. Cloud’s stoplight system is run by evil leprachauns that use it for their own amusement. How else can you explain a green left turn light that only lets two cars through? If you are unlucky enough to be the third car, you will have the pleasure of sitting at that stoplight for at least 10 minutes before it is your turn again. The red lights for straightaways are also the longest I’ve experienced in my travels. So add to this the fuckerheads who aren’t paying attention and don’t know how to drive in the snow, and you will understand why I am so distraught that my car horn no longer works.

My Rockstar thinks I am a…. less than stellar driver. To him I say, “I’ve never been in an accident; when I text while driving I don’t swerve; when the light is green, I step on it (which makes the person in the other lane think I’m trying to drag race), when I cut people off, I’m going fast enough that they don’t even realize I was there, and when it snows, I make enough room for the idiots going 70 to pass me if they want.” I am considerate of other drivers, which I am convinced no one else is. Plus I know how to drive a stick shift. Both kinds. (Heehee)

 

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Filed under Humor, Life, Uncategorized

Sucking Up


Today is the first miserable snowfall of the Minnesota season. I was going to go out to clear my car of snow before work and my Rockstar said, “Where are you going? I’m gonna do that.” I feel loved. XOXO

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Filed under Life, Love, Uncategorized