Tag Archives: Money

Letter to Determined Bill Collectors


Dear Bill Collectors,

I have decided to compose this letter because you are all so unrelenting in your quest to extract dollars from me. It is my hope that after you read this, you will realize that these attempts are in vain, and perhaps you will find something more productive to do with your day that does NOT include blowing up my phone.

To Weeble, Beeble, Feeble, and Getz- I’m sorry that my canceled credit card company has seen it fit bring lawyers between us. I admit that I’ve been remiss in my payments, but I have every intention of paying my bill. Unfortuneately, since the small amount of $237.34 I owed has now quadrupled because of your services, I regret to inform you that it will take me four times as long to pay it off. You quadruple, I quadruple. Those are the rules.

To the World Wide Financial Network (otherwise known as Victoria’s Secret)- I am pleased to announce that YOU, my dear company, shall be the first to receive any funds that I procure, solely because I wish to receive my card back to earn Angel points once again. In my defense, I was quite faithful in my payments to you; it is NOT my fault that you carelessly kept raising my credit limit. Shame on you. You could have looked at my money intake and known better. I find this reprehensible; I will compare it to lining up an endless line of beautiful boners in front of a nymphomaniac. Of course she’s going to use them.

To that other place who shall remain nameless- No, I will NOT answer your incessent phone calls. I have figured you out, you AssHats. Calling from 7 different 800 numbers is not stealthy. I see how you attempt to deceive me. I must tell you- it’s still an 800 number. My gramma, momma, and friends do not have 800 numbers, so there is really no reason to answer any phone calls that carry this trait. And if I happen to be in an agreeable mood, you had best believe if I actually DO answer, and do not immediately hear a person’s voice, (instead am forced to wait until an actual caller gets on the line) I will be in an amiable mood no more, and absolutely will not be setting up payments with your stupid asses.

A little secret I will let all bill collectors in on- when a tardy client DOES finally agree to set up payments with you, it does not work in your favor to state, “We can do a payment plan, but $_____ (insert dollar amount) is the least we can go on a payment. DO YOU WANT MONEY OR NOT? If I am willing to try to give you what little moneys I have, you had better be happy if I want to pay $5, or $2, or $1.87 every month. If you try and pull this bullshit on me, I will immediately hang up on you because that is just disrespectful.

To all Bill Collectors- I have every intention of paying what I owe, it just may take a little bit longer than you would like. Like 5-7 years. I’ll call YOU.

Unwillingly Yours, Sparklebumps

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The Paid Companion


Today shall be the day I confess what I consider to be my biggest fault, and how it almost turned me into a prostitute.

You would think a girl raised in a strict Baptist church and sent to a Baptist school would be appalled at the thought of prostitution. And you would be right. I was that girl, once upon a time. I would not say that my life has been filled with great adventure, but I WOULD say that it’s been filled with enough whatever to completely change the way I look at things.

Long before I married my husband, I promised myself that I would never have sex with someone until I was married. No, I wasn’t a virgin when I got married, in case you were wondering. Now I would tell you that I would never marry someone I HADN’T had sex with. According to the Bible, that’s a sin, but hey, nobody’s perfect. And as far as prostitution goes, my thinking has changed enough from that Baptist girl that I once was, that I in no way judge a person who will perform sexual acts for cash.  I’ve not quite decided on whether it should be legal or not, though I can see the many benefits of making it so. Anyhoo, I’m getting off-track.

I know, you’re all chomping at the bit to find out what my greatest fault is, since it’s so obvious that I have none, right? 😉 Kidding. I believe that any cell phone that takes pictures is the invention of Satan himself. Because, really, who can resist sending nudey pics to horny boys everywhere? I certainly cannot. Yes, you all now know that I am a cell-phone exhibitionist. Perhaps it’s my histrionic personality disorder, or the secret desire I have to pose for Playboy, but ever since I’ve had a picture phone, I have made it a habit of sending nudeys to anyone who requests one. Surprisingly, for not being very photogenic, I’ve taken quite a few nice pics with my phone- maybe because the screen is so small one can’t notice the size of my ass. This in itself is perhaps not a great fault, but the fact that I do this sometimes when I’m in a relationship is. I’m not proud of that fact,  but I have promised to tell the truth in this blog. It may be a surprise to you to find out that this little habit has gotten me in some strange situations.  Moving on.

Once upon a time, I received a text from a random unknown phone number, asking who I was. Being the friendly person I am, I started a text conversation with this person. It turned out this person was a massive, body-building black man who had spent 13 years in prison for shooting a man when he was 17. Yes, I know. I should have been done right then. For the purposes of this blog, we shall call him Darkness, because that’s what I called him. (Taken from a simple-minded series of books by Laurell K. Hamilton I had been reading at the time.) Anyway, the man seemed highly intelligent (from his texts) and I found out it was because he spent his 13 years in prison reading. We sent occassional texts back and forth, and from what he could tell (from my texts) I was a classy lady who knew her shit. To make a long story short, I ended up sending one of my lovely nudey pics to him, which turned his attentions from intelligent conversation to trying to get me to do him.

One thing I must point out here. I have no shame in sharing unclad pictures of myself, but that in no way means I want to screw every guy I send them too. I just like to be appreciated….

After many weeks of dealing with texts from Darkness telling me what he wanted to do to me, (which I ignored) he asked me if I wanted to make some money. This intrigued me, since I was broke at the time (what am I saying, I’m still broke) Darkness informed me that he was the owner of an “escort” business, and thought I could rake in the cash because of my tremendous talent to converse on any subject, as well as my other…assets. I asked him how much his clients paid, just because I was curious, and he said $500 per time and his cut was $350. I pooh-poohed his offer, saying that I would never let a pimp (because that’s really what he was) take that much of my earnings, and anyway, I would charge 3 times that for my services. He said ok, nevermind.

A few days later, he texted me and told me he had a potential client that had been shown one of my pics, and was willing to pay my exhorbitant prices. He said he could set it up for the next day if I was willing, and to let him know.

The idea of making $1500 an hour appealed to me greatly, but the reality that I was in a relationship stopped me. Perhaps it is because I have known so many people that fuck so many people that they’ve just met in bars, or go home with people on a first date, but screwing a stranger for money makes more sense to me than doing it for free. Wouldn’t you say? Anyhoo, I never did become an escort, and I no longer hear from Darkness, but I will always wonder, “Am I really worth $1500?” Because that makes me feel kinda good.

P.S. My cousin says prostitutes have no souls. I think he has no soul for saying so.

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Team Member Assessment


Happy Thursday, my Lovelys! Thanks for all the birthday wishes! It was a perfect day filled with pizza, peach schnapps, sex, Chris Meloni,  (unfortunately the 2 previous were not intermingled) and getting hired as a Pizza Slut. Yes, I am now privileged employee of Pizza Hut- I think because I told my new boss Christophe (I believe him to be Yugoslavian, perhaps) that if he wanted to call me he’d have to call the bookstore because I am too poor to pay my phone bill. (Tricksy, ain’t I?) So, yay me! Tonite I have orientation. Before I was interviewed, though, I had to fill out a Team Member Assessment Survey. Let me just give you my opinion of those…

Team Member Assessment: Def. A little form businesses that are chains have come up with to weed out the nuts and/or  imbecilic potential employees. Similiar to a multiple choice test; the answers being Strongly Agree, Agree, Neutral, Disagree, and Strongly Disagree. (I believe you have to be a complete ‘tard not to be able to pass one of these.)

So one of the questions on my little assessment sheet : “I find it acceptable to take small amounts of money from the register when I don’t feel I am getting paid enough.” I don’t know what kind of moron would actually mark “”Strongly Agree” or even less passionately “Agree”. If you are trying to get a job, I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell your potential employer you plan on stealing. I don’t really know what else to say about that.

Another question: “If I have a disagreement with a co-worker, I try to resolve it in a fair and pleasant manner.” As much as I wanted to put a side-note on this one stating, “When I disagree with a co-worker, the bastard better keep the fuck outta my way, or they may find me behind their car when they leave and obtain the beating that’s coming to them.” However, I decided a friendly approach would better suit.

Question #3: “When I see a co-worker doing something the wrong way, I

A.Tell them they are doing it wrong.

B.Tell my manager.

C.Fix it myself.

D.Complain to other co-workers about it.

This one I may have gotten wrong, because I chose all of the above.

Question #4: “When a new employee is hired, I

A.Try to get them involved in team activities.

B.Invite them to join me outside of work.

C.Ignore them.

D. Gossip with them.”

This was another tricky one. I will admit, I am not exactly a team player. I tend to do things myself so I know they are done right. But A. seemed to be the answer they were likely looking for. If I don’t like someone, chances are that I will NOT be inviting them to join me outside of work, I will most likely ignore them, and I will be gossiping ABOUT them.

So, obviously I passed my assessment, though how close I was to failing I guess we’ll never know. But when most of the questions pertain to stealing from the company, I don’t know how someone could NOT pass. I WILL say that I am an excellent worker that gets annoyed with dumbshits that can’t do their jobs. I don’t know if that qualifies me as a team player.

 

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Thought #2


If I had all the money in the world, I could have all the great men of the world in my hands- Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Hemingway, Hugo, Dickens….

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Filed under Books, Entertainment, Life, Money, Uncategorized

What We Need


 

I just bought a $5 coffee from Caribou. Which means I had to work for 45 minutes in order to pay for it. That was very frivolous of me. Luckily, I have cut it down to once or twice a week. There was a time not too long ago when I stopped at Caribou Coffee every day on the way to work. In the age of  designer coffee, you are just not cool if you don’t get one every day, right?

I will maybe never be one of those people who makes a 6 figure salary, but if I am, I will remember those days when I was making $12,000 a year and maybe that will remind me of what I really need. I admit, I have a fetish for shoes and books, which tends to make me a bit short on cash at the end of the month, but I always make sure to have toilet paper. I also make sure I have enough dollars to buy groceries so I can cook  semi-decent meals for my Beloveds. It may seem like a small thing, but I don’t mind passing up a pair of leopard- print heels so I can take care of my family. I know that matters more than what I have on my feet.

When I was a waitress, I always had cash on hand, which many times resulted in me buying $20 worth of candy. (Candy is my favorite food) I was quite incautious with my money, which has really come back to bite me in the ass. I am proud to say that I never acquired a credit card with a $20,000 limit, although I DID end up owing $2800 on my Victoria’s Secret card. (That’s alot of lingerie.) It wasn’t until I left my husband and was living in an apartment sleeping on pillows that I had realized how remiss I had been in my saving. I am sad to say I haven’t really gotten much better since then, but I haved vowed to work on it. Basically, I urge every one of you wther you make $5000 a year or $1,000,000,  to think about it the next time slap down a credit card to buy a pair of $250 shoes or spend $100 at a fancy restaraunt. They say money doesn’t buy happiness, and I believe it, because I’ve known a few wealthy people who have just as much worry about bills as I do. Remember to go outside and check out the sunset, or to relish the feel of a lover’s kiss, and always give hugs, because those things are free, and you will feel better than if you have someone compliment the outfit you spend oodles on. And maybe, after you bask in the delight of the little things, go and get a $5 coffee with extra whip cream. XOXO

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