Tag Archives: Money

A Letter To The IRS


IRS,

If you have noticed, there is no warm and friendly words in my greeting to you. This is mainly due to the fact that you continuously insist on taking all of my hard-earned moneys. I realize that these are hard times fiscally, but given the fact that I have never made over $20,000 in any given year, is it really necessary for you deduct numerous dollars from my tiny paycheck every two weeks? I would understand if I were the only person in the country, but if you add up even $1 or $2 dollars from every person in America bi-weekly, that’s…. well, that’s alot of dough. I really don’t see why you should need more than that from little old Me.

Not only do you faithfully withdraw funds from my paycheck, but you always expect me to pay in every year when I fill out my taxes. Why am I penalized for not having a child, I ask? I hear of so many white and black trash people with multiple childrens who get to go blow $3 or $4 or $5 Thousand dollars every year because they have failed to be responsible and use protection and are clearly much too fertile. I believe that you should think about making a new policy rewarding peoples who DON’T take advantage of your niceties.

I would, however, like to thank you for allowing me to receive $62 on this years tax returns. I am immensely thrilled that I shall be able to buy a tank of gas, a coffee from Caribou, and a stick of gum. Thank you, IRS. Thank you from the bottom of my destitute heart.

I would like to bring to your attention the habit you have of sending unnecessary letters. It is quite obnoxious of you to repeatedly send me letters quoting  the dollar amount I owe you combined with your late fees. By the way, are those fees completely necessary? As if you haven’t raped my wallet enough, you also insist that I bend over to pick up loose change on the ground while you drill me in the ass mercilessly. All I have to say is- Shame on your greedy selves, IRS.

To sum it all up, I would like to point out that I firmly believe that because of your repulsive behaviors in this life, in your next life, you are sure to come back as the mashed pepperoni I stepped on last night that is now completely imbedded in the treads of my non-slip work shoes. So poo on you, you disgusting bastards.

No Regards,

Sparklebumps

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“Real” Men- The Miniseries: Men and Money


It has come to my attention as of late that htere are many different perceptions as to what constitutes a “real” man.

When the term comes to mind, I immediately wonder, “Why is there so much pressure on the weaker sex? On certainly doesn’t hear the term “real woman” as frequently as “real man.” But then again, men need to be pressured once in awhile.

The purpose of my miniseries is to bring up the generic qualities associated with “Real Men” and either hurrah or poo-poo them.

Part One: “Real Men” pay for the date.

I am on the fence about this one. While I understand the concept, I, as a “Real Woman” have a hard time saying, “Pay for my french fries , Dude.” My firm belief that I should pay for my own taters resulted in divorce, when on my first date ever, I blatantly refused to have a man pay for my food- that man became my husband and then ex, when he became much too comfortable with me paying for things.

On the upside, I ended up with my Rockstar, who is of the opinion that he should pay for my fries. (and other assorted restaurant fare.) While this is a nice change, he is also of the opinion that if he lacks fundage for French fries, we mayn’t dine out- when this happens, I have no problem offering to pay, since any chance to pass up cooking immmediately thrills me.

Going deeper into this, I would like to state that I at no time expect any man to pay my bills. The only exception would be if one were to knock me up with 5 or 7 children (it is hoped not simultaneously) and I were to stay home and care for them in order to safe money on daycare. If this were to happen, my household would be immaculately clean and wondrous multi-cultural meals would be served nightly when my man arrived home from work. However, I would probably end up finishing my book, and proceed to make millions, therefore contributing to our monthly dollar accumulation.

I despise women who expect the man to pay for everything, because, I’m sorry- it is not the 17th century.

And so, as far as this subject is concerned, I would have to say a “Real Man” is one who expects to pay for the date, but is humble enough to allow the woman to buy her own damn French fries if she wants, or if the funds are needed.

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A Little Note


There is a little habit that I have in my home life. I leave notes.

This habit most frequently manifests itself when I put together lunches for my Rockstar to take to work. These notes are quite un-important-“XOXO” and “Have a beauteous day with the fucktards” being the gist of them. I include them just to remind my Rockstar that I exist (as if he could ever forget) and to let him know that I think of him.

Last night, after returning from a hellish night as a Pizza Slut (I shall go into greater detail in a future post) I left some rent money for my Rockstar with a note letting him know that I’d have some more for him some time soon. (At least, that is the intention)

Now, the note thing is just my own little practice. I do not expect reciprocation, and have never received it. (This seems to be common in my relationship…) However, when I got up today, there was a little note with some of the money I had left for my Rockstar.

“You keep this. Go buy some shoes.”

I could not have thought of a more romantic thing for him to say.

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Letter to Determined Bill Collectors


Dear Bill Collectors,

I have decided to compose this letter because you are all so unrelenting in your quest to extract dollars from me. It is my hope that after you read this, you will realize that these attempts are in vain, and perhaps you will find something more productive to do with your day that does NOT include blowing up my phone.

To Weeble, Beeble, Feeble, and Getz- I’m sorry that my canceled credit card company has seen it fit bring lawyers between us. I admit that I’ve been remiss in my payments, but I have every intention of paying my bill. Unfortuneately, since the small amount of $237.34 I owed has now quadrupled because of your services, I regret to inform you that it will take me four times as long to pay it off. You quadruple, I quadruple. Those are the rules.

To the World Wide Financial Network (otherwise known as Victoria’s Secret)- I am pleased to announce that YOU, my dear company, shall be the first to receive any funds that I procure, solely because I wish to receive my card back to earn Angel points once again. In my defense, I was quite faithful in my payments to you; it is NOT my fault that you carelessly kept raising my credit limit. Shame on you. You could have looked at my money intake and known better. I find this reprehensible; I will compare it to lining up an endless line of beautiful boners in front of a nymphomaniac. Of course she’s going to use them.

To that other place who shall remain nameless- No, I will NOT answer your incessent phone calls. I have figured you out, you AssHats. Calling from 7 different 800 numbers is not stealthy. I see how you attempt to deceive me. I must tell you- it’s still an 800 number. My gramma, momma, and friends do not have 800 numbers, so there is really no reason to answer any phone calls that carry this trait. And if I happen to be in an agreeable mood, you had best believe if I actually DO answer, and do not immediately hear a person’s voice, (instead am forced to wait until an actual caller gets on the line) I will be in an amiable mood no more, and absolutely will not be setting up payments with your stupid asses.

A little secret I will let all bill collectors in on- when a tardy client DOES finally agree to set up payments with you, it does not work in your favor to state, “We can do a payment plan, but $_____ (insert dollar amount) is the least we can go on a payment. DO YOU WANT MONEY OR NOT? If I am willing to try to give you what little moneys I have, you had better be happy if I want to pay $5, or $2, or $1.87 every month. If you try and pull this bullshit on me, I will immediately hang up on you because that is just disrespectful.

To all Bill Collectors- I have every intention of paying what I owe, it just may take a little bit longer than you would like. Like 5-7 years. I’ll call YOU.

Unwillingly Yours, Sparklebumps

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The Paid Companion


Today shall be the day I confess what I consider to be my biggest fault, and how it almost turned me into a prostitute.

You would think a girl raised in a strict Baptist church and sent to a Baptist school would be appalled at the thought of prostitution. And you would be right. I was that girl, once upon a time. I would not say that my life has been filled with great adventure, but I WOULD say that it’s been filled with enough whatever to completely change the way I look at things.

Long before I married my husband, I promised myself that I would never have sex with someone until I was married. No, I wasn’t a virgin when I got married, in case you were wondering. Now I would tell you that I would never marry someone I HADN’T had sex with. According to the Bible, that’s a sin, but hey, nobody’s perfect. And as far as prostitution goes, my thinking has changed enough from that Baptist girl that I once was, that I in no way judge a person who will perform sexual acts for cash.  I’ve not quite decided on whether it should be legal or not, though I can see the many benefits of making it so. Anyhoo, I’m getting off-track.

I know, you’re all chomping at the bit to find out what my greatest fault is, since it’s so obvious that I have none, right? 😉 Kidding. I believe that any cell phone that takes pictures is the invention of Satan himself. Because, really, who can resist sending nudey pics to horny boys everywhere? I certainly cannot. Yes, you all now know that I am a cell-phone exhibitionist. Perhaps it’s my histrionic personality disorder, or the secret desire I have to pose for Playboy, but ever since I’ve had a picture phone, I have made it a habit of sending nudeys to anyone who requests one. Surprisingly, for not being very photogenic, I’ve taken quite a few nice pics with my phone- maybe because the screen is so small one can’t notice the size of my ass. This in itself is perhaps not a great fault, but the fact that I do this sometimes when I’m in a relationship is. I’m not proud of that fact,  but I have promised to tell the truth in this blog. It may be a surprise to you to find out that this little habit has gotten me in some strange situations.  Moving on.

Once upon a time, I received a text from a random unknown phone number, asking who I was. Being the friendly person I am, I started a text conversation with this person. It turned out this person was a massive, body-building black man who had spent 13 years in prison for shooting a man when he was 17. Yes, I know. I should have been done right then. For the purposes of this blog, we shall call him Darkness, because that’s what I called him. (Taken from a simple-minded series of books by Laurell K. Hamilton I had been reading at the time.) Anyway, the man seemed highly intelligent (from his texts) and I found out it was because he spent his 13 years in prison reading. We sent occassional texts back and forth, and from what he could tell (from my texts) I was a classy lady who knew her shit. To make a long story short, I ended up sending one of my lovely nudey pics to him, which turned his attentions from intelligent conversation to trying to get me to do him.

One thing I must point out here. I have no shame in sharing unclad pictures of myself, but that in no way means I want to screw every guy I send them too. I just like to be appreciated….

After many weeks of dealing with texts from Darkness telling me what he wanted to do to me, (which I ignored) he asked me if I wanted to make some money. This intrigued me, since I was broke at the time (what am I saying, I’m still broke) Darkness informed me that he was the owner of an “escort” business, and thought I could rake in the cash because of my tremendous talent to converse on any subject, as well as my other…assets. I asked him how much his clients paid, just because I was curious, and he said $500 per time and his cut was $350. I pooh-poohed his offer, saying that I would never let a pimp (because that’s really what he was) take that much of my earnings, and anyway, I would charge 3 times that for my services. He said ok, nevermind.

A few days later, he texted me and told me he had a potential client that had been shown one of my pics, and was willing to pay my exhorbitant prices. He said he could set it up for the next day if I was willing, and to let him know.

The idea of making $1500 an hour appealed to me greatly, but the reality that I was in a relationship stopped me. Perhaps it is because I have known so many people that fuck so many people that they’ve just met in bars, or go home with people on a first date, but screwing a stranger for money makes more sense to me than doing it for free. Wouldn’t you say? Anyhoo, I never did become an escort, and I no longer hear from Darkness, but I will always wonder, “Am I really worth $1500?” Because that makes me feel kinda good.

P.S. My cousin says prostitutes have no souls. I think he has no soul for saying so.

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Filed under Beauty, God, Humor, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized, Work

Team Member Assessment


Happy Thursday, my Lovelys! Thanks for all the birthday wishes! It was a perfect day filled with pizza, peach schnapps, sex, Chris Meloni,  (unfortunately the 2 previous were not intermingled) and getting hired as a Pizza Slut. Yes, I am now privileged employee of Pizza Hut- I think because I told my new boss Christophe (I believe him to be Yugoslavian, perhaps) that if he wanted to call me he’d have to call the bookstore because I am too poor to pay my phone bill. (Tricksy, ain’t I?) So, yay me! Tonite I have orientation. Before I was interviewed, though, I had to fill out a Team Member Assessment Survey. Let me just give you my opinion of those…

Team Member Assessment: Def. A little form businesses that are chains have come up with to weed out the nuts and/or  imbecilic potential employees. Similiar to a multiple choice test; the answers being Strongly Agree, Agree, Neutral, Disagree, and Strongly Disagree. (I believe you have to be a complete ‘tard not to be able to pass one of these.)

So one of the questions on my little assessment sheet : “I find it acceptable to take small amounts of money from the register when I don’t feel I am getting paid enough.” I don’t know what kind of moron would actually mark “”Strongly Agree” or even less passionately “Agree”. If you are trying to get a job, I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell your potential employer you plan on stealing. I don’t really know what else to say about that.

Another question: “If I have a disagreement with a co-worker, I try to resolve it in a fair and pleasant manner.” As much as I wanted to put a side-note on this one stating, “When I disagree with a co-worker, the bastard better keep the fuck outta my way, or they may find me behind their car when they leave and obtain the beating that’s coming to them.” However, I decided a friendly approach would better suit.

Question #3: “When I see a co-worker doing something the wrong way, I

A.Tell them they are doing it wrong.

B.Tell my manager.

C.Fix it myself.

D.Complain to other co-workers about it.

This one I may have gotten wrong, because I chose all of the above.

Question #4: “When a new employee is hired, I

A.Try to get them involved in team activities.

B.Invite them to join me outside of work.

C.Ignore them.

D. Gossip with them.”

This was another tricky one. I will admit, I am not exactly a team player. I tend to do things myself so I know they are done right. But A. seemed to be the answer they were likely looking for. If I don’t like someone, chances are that I will NOT be inviting them to join me outside of work, I will most likely ignore them, and I will be gossiping ABOUT them.

So, obviously I passed my assessment, though how close I was to failing I guess we’ll never know. But when most of the questions pertain to stealing from the company, I don’t know how someone could NOT pass. I WILL say that I am an excellent worker that gets annoyed with dumbshits that can’t do their jobs. I don’t know if that qualifies me as a team player.

 

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Thought #2


If I had all the money in the world, I could have all the great men of the world in my hands- Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Hemingway, Hugo, Dickens….

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