So I have thought many times that being a surgeon or some other form of over-paid medical personel would be quite entertaining. However, the more I thought on the idea, the more I realized that I wouldn’t like to overshadow all my fellow medical students with my amazingly unending knowledge of human biology, and the thought of sticking my hands into a daily puddle of viscera and gore began to appeal to me a bit more than I like to shamelessly admit. And so, I give you the uneducated medical advice of Sparklebumps, the doctor who wasn’t.
To cure an inflated ego: When you begin feeling that you are so completely amazing and wonderful and no one can hold a candle to the brightness of you, simply think of the following individuals:
Mother Teresa: because she devoted her entire life to helping the unfortunate; what have YOU done to help your fellow man lately?
Dolly Parton: because no matter how big your boobs are, hers are bigger, and more perky than yours; yet she doesn’t go around saying, “Nana nana boo boob! I got better ones than you!” AND she has a book club to help young readers to love books.
Audrey Hepburn: because even though she won an Oscar from her first performance, and could have sailed through life just being beautiful and graceful and fabulous, she was a spokesperson for UNICEF and spent her famousness in third-world countries.
To cure a broken heart: Get plenty of hugs from the people who still love you, and spend at least a night or two crying it all out. Focus on someone other than yourself, and before you know it, if True Love hasn’t found you, you will at least be able to look into the mirror and say, “i love you.”
To cure a crappy mood: For men- find someone like Sparklebumps who will offer you a booby squeeze just to make you smile. It almost always works, at least for a moment. For women- have a drink, punch a man, or eat some ice cream. It almost always works, at least for a moment.
To cure a hangover: Keep drinking.
To cure an engorged penis: Find an at least semi-hot girl to sit on it and bounce up and down a few times. If no pants-less individual is available, ask the next girl you see if you can stick it in her mouth. While it may not feel the best, a knee to the problem area will surely deflate any superfluous bloodflow happening.
To cure idiocy: Align a baseball bat to the offending individual’s skull and bash repeatedly until symptoms cease.
To cure anxiety: Purchase a flask and fill with whiskey. Sip repeatedly when feeling flustered. Suggested doses vary according to individual weight and tolerance.
To cure hatred: Smile. Hug strangers (but only after asking.) Don’t talk smack, and never judge.
To prevent pregnancy: Use a strap-on, pull out (this is not the most effective method), or send your girlfriend over to my house.
To prevent food-bourne illnesses such as E.Coli, Salmonella, etc.: Eat candy, chips, french fries, and other assorted prepackaged, easy-to-prepare foods.
To prevent excessive moneys from falling out of your pockets: Stick offending dollars in an envelope, buy a stamp, and mail to Sparklebumps c/o Pizza Hut MN.
Well I suppose that’s a pretty good start for today. I guarantee that if you follow my advice, you will be feeling stellar in no time at all. You’re feeling better already, aren’t you? XOXO