….and I’m back.

Other than possessing a belly that is growing at an alarming rate, and deciding this Christmas sucks, I’ve not been up to to much. I know. Sad.

I did spend several days last week seething inwardly as my Rockstar insisted on stopping at every store in sight just to window shop after my monthly checkup and other things. I seemed to have forgotten that I’m living with another woman. One who loves to shop. But never actually buy anything. I don’t know if it’s my raging hormones or my distended stomach, but I find myself having much less patience than normal. As evidenced by my unrestrained bickering Saturday night with my Rockstar’s Daughter. Let us just say, it’s the first time in five years I’ve given in to the urge to act exactly the same age as she.

As far as Christmas sucking, I know it’s not about the presents, (unless you’re a little kid), but I am a bit saddened that I’ve not been able to afford even gifts for my Beloved and his daughter. And honestly, I’m kinda too tired to give a shit. At least,  a lot of shit. Maybe a little poo I give. But I too, have considered forgoing Christmas at my Rockstar’s parents and vegging out in front of Netflix with a delicious box of creamy Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Is it because he got fired from his job a month ago and I need a little alone time? I’m not sure. So many months had gone by without me seeing him hardly at all when he was working because of our opposite schedules, and it’s been nice to see him for a change. But I think I got used to all that alone time. So now I’m just fucked up.

Once again today, we ventured to town to indulge in half-priced burritos at our favorite Mexican restaurant, and our trip turned into an all-day finish-his-Christmas-shopping outing. My Rockstar clearly did not find me to be perturbed enough, for when I mentioned that I did not desire to battle the masses all day, he said, “Well, you’d probably just go home and take a nap anyway.” It wasn’t because it was an untrue statement, but the fact that he was inferring my general laziness that irked me so. I refrained from releasing my pregnant-woman rage on him though, and sucked it up as we spent another hour in Macy’s looking at cookware for his mother.

I went to work tonight, and soooooo did not want to be there, even though the lack of dollars in my wallet should have given me a different perspective. So I convinced a coworker to close for me, and I arrived home to find the house filled with the calming sounds of Motley Crue. My Rockstar has been downstairs banging away on the drums, oblivious to my being home. As much as he irritated me today, I cannot help but smile when I listen to the over-played band. After all, he is still my Rockstar….

Overheard

I was going to write this post a few days ago, but then Drunk Monday happened.

I live in an apartment building. I live in an apartment building with very thin walls. This results in my ear being up against the wall quite frequently trying to hear what the neighbors are fighting about, because I’m a nosy little bitch.

That is, until the other day, when I began to wonder what our life sounds like to those people on the other side of the wall.

Do they roll their eyes and laugh when they hear my Rockstar’s Daughter saying, “I’m the queen, and you have to do what I say.”

Do they wiggle their hips when they repeatedly hear the musical non-talents of Motley Crue, which my Rockstar insists on listening to?

Do they wonder at the silence that permeates throughout our apartment when I’m here by myself? And then are they relieved or disgusted when they hear the opening “Da dum dumdumdumdum DUM” of Law and Order SVU and realize that I am, in fact,  not dead and am masturbating to Chris Meloni’s lovely face?

This led me to wonder…

Can they hear when my Rockstar and I are engaging in Naked Fun Time? Do they wish they could listen more often or are they thinking in their mind, “Fuckin’ A, give it a rest already.”

Do they ever wonder (as I do) why farting makes the Daughter break out in peels of uncontrollable laughter?

Do they ever wonder if my Rockstar is ever going to actually admit that he loves me, or is he going to continue to stoically remain silent when I tell him,  “Love me, dammit!”

Now about Drunk Monday.

I wonder if the neighbors were as surprised as I was when Evan Williams made my Rockstar completely paranoid and had him calling me a “lying cheating cunt”?

Did they cheer when they heard his face make contact with the stove fan he was standing in front of when I smashed my hand into the back of his head when he called me a cunt?

Could they hear my intake of breath when I wondered if I had damaged his perfect nose afterward?

Did they consider calling the popo and reporting a domestic disturbance when he yelled, “Bring it on, Bitch!”

Did the neighbors want to come give her a hug when they heard Sparklebumps sobbing while insisting she wasn’t cheating?

Did they hear how a drunk Sparklebumps got on her own side of the bed after falling asleep on the opposite side? (Because I certainly don’t know how that happened.)

Could they hear the gears in my head working all day yesterday wondering why the hell my Rockstar thought I was cheating on him, and what I could do to prove otherwise?

Did they hear the text message tones of two sober people trying to figure out their future last night?

Were they as relieved as I to hear the bed creak when Rockstar sat down to hold me this morning before he went to work?

( I think I’ll skip the Evan Williams the next time I visit the liquor store.)

P.S. No Sparklebumps was harmed in the making of this post. She has proven to her Rockstar that he was being a drunken dumbshit. His sore face is proof of the corporal punishment he has justly received for calling his girlfriend the “C” word.

The Lyricist

So I know I’m not the only one who cannot always understand singers when they are singing their song lyrics. I especially have a tough time understanding Zakk Wylde. There is quite a list of songs that have Sparklebumps Translations- in other words, words I think they are singing. I took this opportunity to look up the actual song lyrics to some songs, but in all honesty, I think my lyrics are better….

1.The Blessed Hell Ride by Black Label Society

Sparklebump’s Translation: “One more drink, the dead break down and then another one.”

Actual Lyrics: “One more drink, a nervous breakdown, and then another war.”

I’ll take another drink. No war please.

2. Helter Skelter  by Motley Crue

Sparklebump’s Translation: “I told my dog, “Why they love you?” and “I’m cumming down back but don’t let me brain you.”

Actual Lyrics: “Do you, don’t you want me to love you” and “I’m coming down fast but don’t let me break you.”

3. Sweet Little Sister by Skid Row

Sparklebump’s Translation: “She got her ass in a crooked dress, smiling like an alligator. We got her headlights in the back of my car, tights lips now but six ship later.”

Actual Lyrics: “She’s got her hands in the cookie jar, Smiling like an alligator, Making headlines in the back of my car Tight lipped now but she’ll sink ships later ”

4. Walking on Broken Glass by Annie Lennox

Sparklebump’s Translation: “Since you went down on me, my whole life is trashed.”

Actual Lyrics: “Since you moved out on me, my whole life has crashed.”

I’m gonna say the guy had a magical tongue.

5. Cream by Prince

Sparklebump’s Translation: “This is it, it’s time for you to gallop and wire.” and “Look up in the air! It’s you tongue!”

Actual Lyrics: “This is it, it’s time for you to go to the wire” and “Look up in the air, it’s your guitar.”

6. Wild Side by Motley Crue

Sparklebump’s Translation: “I carry my crucifix under my bath dress”

Actual Lyrics:”I carry my crucifix under my deathlist.”

7.  Counterfeit God  by Black Label Society

Sparklebump’s Translation: “In this world of hat and face,” and “we edit your will and then your seed.”

Actual Lyrics: “In this world when at it’s best”  and “Hand over your will and then you’ll see.”

Sorry, there will have to be  a second installment of this, because my MP3 Player is short 400 songs today. XOXO

P.S. I never said my lyrics made sense….

VSFS Day!!!!

EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Are you ready to party?! It’s the most sparkley night of the year; another Sparkle Holiday- tonite they air the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show!

Now for obvious reasons, (sparkles, underwear, boobies, and women,) there is really no reason why anyone should NOT watch this wonderful little gem. This is my favorite holiday, and I’ve been waiting all year just so I can see the most beauteous women prance around in their underwear and angel wings. I have made it a tradition to ask for the night off from work and get dolled up in my most adorable underclothes, (I say adorable because I can’t pull off sexy) and to watch the wonderful creations that float down the runway toward me on my 42″ high-definition TV.  

Now, from what I can tell, most men are not allowed by their wives and girlfriends to witness this little exhibition. I feel sad for these men, simply because the show is about everything beautiful and fabulous; I do not think it is the intent of Victoria’s Secret to make the insecure housewives of the world jealous in any way. To those women I say- if you are so insecure about your men watching beautiful women in their undies, why don’t YOU get dolled up and strut around in yours? I’m quite certain if your husband married you, he would not mind this at all. Show him that you can be just as sexy as those women! (I have a little secret for you. Those women ARE very beautiful, but even they don’t look like that in real life.)

Last year on this holiday, my Rockstar wanted to see what all my excitement was about. He actually got only 10 minutes into the show before he blurted out, “All of these women are WAAAY too skinny. If they put their legs together, you’d still be able to fit a fist in between their thighs.” (I thought his wording was a bit crass.) Yes, I admit, the models really are too skinny, but can you blame them? They are walking around in their panties for the entire world to see. I wouldn’t want my lovehandles recorded on film for all posterity either. I was surprised to find myself watching the rest of the show by myself. My Rockstar loves to talk and look at beautiful women, so I really thought he’d be thrilled to watch. C’est la vie.

I am a bit turned off by their choice of musical artists for these events. Instead of Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj, I think it would be awesome for them to have Black Stone Cherry singing Blame It on the Boom Boom, and Motley Crue performing Hell on High Heels. But that’s just me.

I suppose it would be a little bit excessive to make bra-shaped cookies for the occassion? I really think that once I have my castle, I’m going to have to host an annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Party. And you will only be allowed in if you come in your skivvies. XOXO