Tag Archives: movies

It Is An Honor, Sir Anthony Hopkins


To you, Sir Anthony Hopkins, the most highly-esteemed,

I have decided to compose this letter to convey the gratitude I feel to you for gracing the world with your unrivalled acting skills. It is only you, Sir Tony, who is able to portray a horrifically disturbed cannibal such as Hannibal Lector and still have enough charisma to make me want to dine with you. (Minus any human-based hors d’oeuvres)

Despite your ripened age, you seem to be unaltered- that may be partially due to the fact that you have looked old for many years, much like Willie Nelson. Your work ethic is admirable; you seem to be unslowed in recent years, still portraying demented and fantastic characters, such as the demon-possessed priest in The Rite– only you, Tony, could play an 80 year old man with the Devil inside of him with such refinement. And though you are not particularily attractive, I find myself drawn to you in a slightly perverse Anna-Nicole Smith- sort of way.

Perhaps it is because the of the moment in Legends of the Fall after you had had a stroke and you were so filled with joy at having your family reunited that makes you so alluring to me. Even though you went through the second half of that movie looking unwashed and sporting a stogie while being completely unintelligable, you made me want to sit down on your lap and have a conversation with you.

I was slightly disturbed by your performance as C.S. Lewis in Shadowlands, however. While The Chronicles of Narnia are among my top favorite children’s books, I very much disliked your emotionally-stunted C.S. Do not get me wrong, your work was stellar- I just prefer you as a highly-intelligent cannibal instead of a man not quite in touch with his emotions.

That reminds me, too, of your Van Helsing in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Your excitement at discovering “the whore of the Devil” was made complete by your crazed dance. I should like to dance crazed with you at any time if you should so feel the need for company.

Since you are a Sir, Sir Anthony, I am assuming that you own a castle, or something comparable to a castle. If you need a maid, or a mistress with a supply of Viagra, or a mistress dressed as a maid with a supply of Viagra, I am your gal. If you need someone to play opposite you in a movie where you play a deranged cannibal or a demented doctor, I will gladly do that as well.

Your Truly,

Sparklebumps

 

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Dear Kevin Bacon…


Dear Kevin Bacon,

I would like to take this moment to congratulate you on your inconceivable awesomeness.

Any man who can have a last name that is the same as the world’s most loved breakfast meat and still maintain his utter coolness is a god.

Also, your absolute grotness (hotness with a bit of gross) despite the fact that you have a skeletal face is quite admirable.

I myself cannot name that evasive quality you possess that makes my knees go weak when I watch your movies. Is it the fact that I spent hours upon hours as a child watching you being Footloose and fancy-free? I believe that may have had something to do with it. The fact that you posed as a teenager successfully when you were 26 is quite commendable, too.

I applaud you for your total and unadulterated creepiness in such movies as Trapped, Hollow Man, Sleepers, and…. OK, nevermind; there are too many to name. Let us just say that your film career has landed you in my top 5 list of most creepy actors of all time. This has me wondering if, in fact, you are naturally creepy, and are just using the… gift God has given you? No matter- your disturbing demeanor in no way would deter me from stripping in your presence and jumping your bones. I am proud to annonce that you shall be the first man I think of when I write my first screenplay about a serial killer/rapist/transvestite clown.

Kudos to you, for landing that hot Kyra Sedgewick lady as your wife. She is much more beautiful than you, and I am quite sure people look at you two walking down the street and think, “He must have a giant penis”. (Congrats on that.) I also must compliment you on directing her in the movie Loverboy, which made me acutely aware of the fact that I should NOT procreate; as I would exhibit all the same tendencies as the mother in that movie.

I believe you were appropriately cast as the man Jennifer Aniston engaged in “sex, the really dirty kind” with in Picture Perfect. As I have mentioned, it is very easy to imagine you are the kind of guy who likes to do girls up the butt. (I can imagine you administering a Golden Shower too, for some reason.)

In closing, I would like to ask you a favor. Because of the six degrees of you, Kevin Bacon, I have a pretty good idea that you may be able to hook me up with Christopher Meloni. I would be willing to trade one boob squish for one Chris Meloni. I think that’s quite a fair deal. Thank you.

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

 

P.S. Please don’t change the way you are. Your creepiness is perfect on you.

 

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Alone Time With ADD


So yesterday was Thanksgiving, and as you all may already know, I got to sit home alone. Since I become completely awkward and shy at family gatherings, this did not bother me as much as it probably should have. Anyhoo, I had an ENTIRE day with which to do whatever I pleased, however I pleased. Let me assure you, after yesterday, there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I suffer from Attention Defecit Disorder.

The morning began when my Rockstar and his Daughter left for South Dakota. They both smothered me in hugs and kisses at 6:00 AM and departed for the western plains. I decided that since it was a holiday, I did not have to feel badly about sleeping in. Several hours later, I awoke from my comatose state and rolled my lazy ass outta bed. I say lazy because I realized when I went to bed last night that I abstained from brushing my hair at all throughout the day. (But I DID brush my teeth three times.)

Since there were no duties that needed my immediate attention, I switched on the boobtube and was delighted to see that the Macy’s parade was happening. (This is one of the things that I have vowed I must see in person someday.) I quickly changed the channel, however, when Avril Lavigne started… howling. I decided to see what fun and exciting movie I could find on Netflix live, and proceeded to doctor up a delicious cup of coffee-flavored sugar. I decided to watch Good Will Hunting, and was surprised that it very closely resembled the situation that I am finding myself in. No, I am not a math genius, but I have had several people tell me that I’m wasting the talents I possess by working menial jobs for almost no pay. I believe I managed to make it through this entire movie without moving simply because I am a slug for the first 3 hours I’m awake in the morning. Anyhoo, this is about the time that my ADD kicked in.

After the movie, I decided to blog for a bit, and then thought about finishing the last 20 pages of the book I was reading. I made it through 2 of the pages, before I decided that I should do the dishes that were piled up in the sink. After filling the sink with steaming hot water, I decided that I should wait a bit for the water to cool down before I washed the dishes; so I decided to find another movie to watch. While Netflix was loading, (Netflix is EXTREMELY slow when hooked up to an XBOX) I decided to check the stats on my blog, and then to write another post. When I finished writing my 2nd post of the day, I went back to Netflix and picked out another movie to watch. While the movie was loading, I thought, “I should finish the dishes.” When I was half-way through the dishes, my movie decided to start playing, so I sat down to watch it.

About a half hour into my movie, I paused it, thinking that I would check to see what wonderful E-mails I may have received. After finding an apology from a blogger that will remain nameless, and a bunch of emails asking if I would like to buy a Russian bride, I went back to my movie. Another ten minutes later, I decided to finish washing the dishes before the water got too cold. I will not bore you with the rest, but I will tell you that is took me 7, I said SEVEN, hours to finish watching an hour and 45 minute movie.

I have noticed that I am slightly restless like this when my Beloveds are home, but when I am alone, I cannot control it. Does this come from sitting for extensive periods of time in church while growing up? I’m not sure. But it greatly disturbed me that it actually took 7 hours for me to watch a frickin’ movie. No, I do not think I could concentrate long enough to perform brain surgery. Or to learn another language. Or to give a speech.

P.S. How ironic is it that the movie I watched was about a writer that couldn’t concentrate?

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I Had Something In My Eye


Has a book ever brought you to tears?

This was the autotopic that got me today. Excuse me, but this may lean toward movies a bit more than books, because for some reason, there is only one book that has ever made me lose my emotional marbles.

Where the Red Fern Grows: I believe I was about 13 when I read this book. If you don’t know thow story, I will sum up,  (heehee! I just quoted the Princess Bride. 🙂 ) It’s about a poor boy who grows up in the Ozark mountains and saves for 2 years to buy a pair of redbone coon hounds. He  spends all his spare time teaching them to hunt, and becomes famous in his little area. Then, one night when he’s out hunting, they accidentally track a mountain lion, which ends up mauling one of his dogs. The dog dies, and the other dog is so depressed that she dies too. Now, here is proof that I like animals more than people, because I have never cried when I’ve read a book about a person dying. But when I read this book, For the entirety of the last 40 pages or so, I had tears pouring down my face. And then I read it again. And cried. Again. Seriously, you really need to read this book if you never have. It will depress you greatly.

Now, moving on to movies. Here are just a few that stand out.

Disney’s Tarzan: Yes, I realize it’s a cartoon. But it was the most emotional 90 minutes of my LIFE. My friends dragged me to this when I was 16, and I protested the entire way. Within the first 10 minutes, I was trying to distract my friends by digging in my purse, so they didn’t notice my internal breakdown. I don’t really remember much about that movie, but I remember walking out of the theatre and feeling completely EXHAUSTED. Frequent changes in emotions will do that to a person….

The Green Mile: I will never, EVER watch this movie again. I went to the late night showing of this, and let us suffice to say that if there had been anybody else in the theatre, I would have had to leave, because nobody wants their Stephen King movie interrupted by a hyper-ventilating, blubbering pile of Sparkles. I seriously thought I was dying. So did my boyfriend.

Ghost: This is a typical Patrick Swayze love fest. But I had to include it because this is one that also made my ex cry. When I would taunt him by saying in a sing- song voice, “Are you cry-y-y-ing?!” He would wipe his eye and mutter, “I had something in my eye.”

My First Mister: Chances are you just went, “HUH?!” This is a little independent film starring LeeLee Sobieski and Albert Brooks (Nemo the fish’s dad). Leelee is a goth teen who becomes friends with straight-laced Al when he hires her at his clothing store. Spoiler alert: he dies. I cannot explain it, but after watching this movie, I can be found moping about for 2 to 5 days. By the way, Carol Kane is awesome in this movie.

The Little Mermaid: At the end when Ariel is pining after Prince Eric (which is what I call my Rockstar to his face, because that’s his name 🙂 ) and her dad realizes he has to give her up, I turn into snivelling wreck. (Fuckin’ Disney.)

Marley and Me: This I’m sure is not a surprise, because anybody who DOESN’T cry while watching this movie has no soul. However, it was not very nice of them to drag out the sadness for a whole HOUR. You’ve never experienced real life until you’ve sat in a crowded theatre listening to the entire audience snotting. For an hour.

 

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