In The Event of a Zombie Apocolypse

Since the chance of a Zombie Apocolypse ensuing in the near future is relatively high, (after all, there are all kinds of crazy scientific lab people messing with virus strains and shit) I have given great thought as to what I will do when the mostly dead start over-populating the earth.

First, I will need a reliable vehicle. In order to procure one, I may have to actually pose as one of the Walking Dead to scare of any of the remaining salesmen at the Ford dealer. I shall do this only long enough to grab the keys to the Boss 302 Mustang that’s sitting on the lot before I drop my charade and laugh maniacally while crying, “HAHA Suckers!!!!!!”  You may think a Mustang is a poor choice for such an event, but I assure you, it is not. I shall be able to outrun any highly-speedy super zombies that may be lurking about, and I will have a good excuse to NOT pick up stragglers who are unprepared for Apocolypse-like times- “I’m sorry, my backseat is small and full of ammunition; I haven’t room for dumbasses.”

Next, I would make a stop at a sporting goods store and stock up on guns (and let us not forget a 357, since one well-placed shot will explode an Almost-Dead person’s slow-moving brain.) Don’t forget the ammo- it’s been a few years since I shot at anything, so I will make sure to grab plenty in case of probable non-excellent aim. I’ll grab a bowie knife to further arm myself for close-contact attack.

Thirdly, a trek to the grocery store. Normally, I would detest such a journey, but since I would be shopping for sustenance that keeps for a long time, I think that I shall enjoy say trip, as candy has a very extended expiration date, and is necessary to keep one’s blood sugar at the level needed for Zombie Annihalation. Once I was fully equipped with a sufficient supply of Mars Bars and Smarties, I would slip down the chip aisle and grab necessary assorted flavored Doritos and be on my way.

I suppose now that I would be supplied with all that I’d need, it would be time to seek out those worthy of saving from the Mostly Dead. (Starting with Chris Meloni.) I would also seek out those who have pissed me off throughout the years and use them as Zombie bait. (Such as my former manager from the bookstore, who was not fittest, which we are talking survival of)

Then I would drive on down to North Carolia and hole up in the Biltmore Estate, which I’m quite certain is structured with many alarms good for warning me of Zombie approach. After that, I would forage daily for supplies, but I think if I rescued Chris Meloni I’d have everything I’d need.

Rules For Loving Me

 

Since I am the Queen of my World, it would make sense for there to be rules for my Lovely subjects to follow in regards to loving me. More specifically, there should be rules for that special person who just happens to be my significant other. I would post these on the fridge if I actually thought they’d get followed…

#1. My Beloved is required to eat french fries of his own making with me at least once a week. (My Rockstar is actually pretty good about this one. Mainly because he is too lazy to cook something other than fried food most of the time.)

#2. My Beloved is required to wash ALL dishes that find themselves dirtied in the sink. In exchange, he shall be rewarded with a complete body rub with my extremely soft hands that are unsullied from numerous dish washings.

#3. My Beloved is required to engage in sexually explicit acts quad-weekly or more with the Queen. In exchange, he shall be rewarded with earth-shattering orgasms.

#4. While the Queen is not against doing her own laundry, it would be much preferred if her Beloved put away his own skivvies and other assorted bodily coverings.

#5. Hand holding, ass groping, booby squeezing, and other assorted acts of physical affection are required to keep one’s place as the Queen’s Beloved.

#6. It is not necessary to accompany the Queen every Sunday to her piano playing gig at church. However, an occasional appearance is required in order to keep the old peoples from feeling pity for the Queen continuously having to sit alone.

#7. The Queen likes to stay home alot. Yet the Queen’s Beloved is required to understand that a date or outing is necessary on occasion in order to satisfy the Queen’s boredom.

#8. The Queen, like any other royal personage, suffers from histrionic personality disorder. Therefore, her Beloved must realize her need for attention is highly magnified, and must act accordingly.

#9. A Royal Spanking must be administered to the Queen now and then to make sure her masochistic urges are satisfied. This may also be accompanied by a Bite to the Ass, or Forced Deep-Throating. For this she thanks you.

#10. The Queen must be allowed to choose Travelling Music when riding along on car trips. No groaning or negative commenting on her choice of music or questionable singing skills is allowed.

#11. “You bought another pair of shoes?” is a comment that is punishable by beheading, or some other equally disgusting punishment, such as No Sex.

#12. Chocolate Caramel Coffee Creamer must be supplied to the Queen daily. If it is used up, her Beloved is required to buy more.

#13. The Queen is required to drive a fuschia-colored Boss Mustang. If she cannot afford one, one must be provided for her.

#14. The Queen’s Library will forever be added to. Sufficient bookshelf space must be accomadated.

#15. When the Queen decides to cook dinner for her Beloved,  the eating of said dinner must be accompanied by ,”MMM, this is good”s, and/or “may I have some more?”s. Also, if she is wearing nothing but and apron and heels, this must be acknowledged.

These seem to be relatively reasonable rules, I say. Who wouldn’t want to be my loyal subject, I ask you? 😉

 

If I Had A Million Dollars

For some reason, the fabulous Barenaked Ladies song of this title popped into my head this morning. Since I fully intend to earn a million dollars someday, (whether it be by my writing, my sexual prowess, or by my general awesomeness) I have given great thought to the question- “What would you do if you had a million dollars.” Let me just tell you what I’d do…

First of all, to keep from looking like a completely selfish bitch, I would buy my Rockstar the Gibson gold top guitar he’s always wanted. (The $5000 one, NOT the cheap version) Sadly, I think this guitar is wretchedly ugly, but it’s what he wants. (Silly man)

Since I would be at Guitar Center anyway, I would then buy my brother the most sparkly set of drum I could find, so he could get ready to join our band Carousel. They really should be purple, since that’s his favorite color, but my bass is purple, so that just would be too much purpleyness.

On the way back from Guitar Center, I’d have to make a stop at the Yamaha piano dealer and buy an Elton John limited edition Red Piano, because I need one.

I would be very hungry from making my musical purchases, so I would have to stop and get some French Fries from McDonald’s.

I would then stop by the house I always dreamed of having while I was growing up in my home town and offer them much dollars to sell it to me.  It is a pea-green version of the house in Anne of Green Gables and though it is not a castle, it would do quite nicely.

Since I would have a house, I would then go to the Humane Society and seek out the biggest cutest mutt puppy (anything mixed with a great dane or a St Bernard)  I could find. If there was more than one, I would probably buy them both; also maybe a kitty or two.

Let us not forget the Ford dealer! I refuse to go to the dealership in St Cloud, (because the salesmen  are fucktards and easily get distracted by my boobies.) So anyhoo, I would order my specially-designed fuschia 2012 Boss Mustang, and since I would be rich, I’d have to buy a beautifully-giant shiny candy-apple red F-350, with NOT tan seats. (Sorry, Rockstar. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to ride in it.)

I suppose I should do something useful with my dollars, so I would buy a little shop somewhere and open a used bookstore where I could wear what I want (heels and fun skirts) and display what I want (all my bloggy friends’ published books) and do what I want. (flirt with customers and read and write my books). It shall be a raging success.

In order to properly attire myself for business, I would have to go on a new wardrobe shopping spree. Just because I’m a millionaire doesn’t mean I would be rid of my thrifty ways, so I would still only buy things on clearance (with the exception of shoes) and I would use re-usable bags to carry my purchases out to my new Mustang.

After shoe shopping, I’m assuming there wouldn’t be much moneys left. So then I would go home.

 

 

SPAM I Am

Here is yet another post that analyzes the Spam accumulating on my blog….

puerto princesa tour packages: I do not speak Puerto Rican, but I’m pretty sure this says something about Puerto Rican princess tours. So the question is- do they consider ME the princess? Or was this grand offer mistakenly sent to me? Is the tour of Puerto Rico? Or is it a tour of a Puerto Rican princess? (If that’s the case, I’m in.)

Major lover of your site, a considerable number of your writers have definitely helped me out: Thanks, man. Glad I could help. You may be surprised to find out- there is only one of us. Though the voices in my head may disagree…

Howdy! Someone in my Facebook group shared this website so I came to give it a look. Superb website, I also love to get info on  term life insurance rates: Howdy, partner! I’m am happy that I am becoming slightly famous via Facebook. I find it my duty to provide you with superb witticisms; however, you will find no life insurance quotes on this site.

Get free stuff here: I LOVE free stuff! It’s much cheaper than stuff you have to pay for. And you don’t get in trouble for stealing.

Looking at your blog publication is a real amazing experience:(I’m not really sure why this one is considered spam) I am truly happy you have received an amazing experience from my blog. Boy, I wonder what you’d say if you had me naked…

this post is a keeper- bookmarked! (from a website asking for car donations): I am looking for a Mustang donation, so if you can hook me up…

It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d most certainly donate to this fantastic blog: It IS a shame, because I would most certainly accept your hard-earned money since you feel the urge to throw it my way! Is anybody else wishing I had a donate button? I’ll get right on that.

I’d have to examine with you here. Which is not one thing I usually do! I take pleasure in reading a post that may make folks think. Additionally, thanks for permitting me to comment: Comments are always welcome here! I am quite proud that I made you think, because I would not assume most of my blog content is highly intellectual.

Great blog. Found this blog while surfing about penis problems on google. Had some orgasm problems in the past myself but all is just fine at the moment: My goal in life is to rid the world of penis problems (apparently), so I am glad that you were fortunate enough to find your way to my blog. (I asked my Rockstar about this one and his exact response was, “I don’t understand how a guy could have an orgasm problem, unless the problem is that he blows his load right away.” My answer? “Honey, not every guy is lucky enough to have a girl as lovely and talented as I.”)

 Hrm, Not the best post unfortunately. Sorry to be so blunt! You should try some Norwegian carrot cake to cheer you up instead: To you I have one thing to say- Fuck you, and you can shove your Norwegian cake up your ass. (I guess that was actually two things)

 

Sparklebump’s ABC’s

A is for Attitude, some say I have it;

To them I shall say, “Suck my armpit.”

B is for Books, full of beautiful stories,

and also for Boners, I always want more-ies.

C is for Chris- hot Chris Meloni;

DDD is the size of my magnificent boobies.

E is for Eric, also known as Rockstar,

I likes him  best when his Boner is hard.

F is for Fuck, the most versatile word,

as in dumb Fuck- a noun; Fuck me- a verb.

G is for Grumpy, that’s me in the morning,

H is for Heels, and also for Horny.

I is intelligent, (in other words: me)

J is for substantial and sparkly Jew-el-r-y.

K is for Kisses, the French kind are best,

L is for Love, what men feel for my chest.

M is a Mustang, I’ll have one someday,

and also for Music my Rockstar will play.

N is for Nothing- there’s Nothing for N,

but O has got Orgasm; Orgasm’s my friend.

P is for…. Pizza Slut, which is a job that I do;

(You were thinking Penis and Pussy, but I sure fooled you!)

Q is for Quirky, I’ve been told I am such;

R is my Rockstar whom I love so much!

S is for Sparkles, and Shoes, and also for Sex,

my three favorite things all begin with an S.

T is Thesaurus, my favorite book,

if you want to be smarter, you should come take a look.

U is for Undies, I wear some of the time,

but I like life best with a naked behind.

V is for Vittles, I DO so love to eat;

French Fries, and candy, but please, Sir, no meat.

I like to drink too; so…. let me just see,

W…W…W…. I’ve got it! Whiskey!!!!

X is a toughy; nothing starts with X!

except X-rated movies that have lotsa sex.

Y is for Yes- what you always should say,

because I hate to hear No; I want things MY way.

That leaves us with Z, the very last one.

A trip to Zimbabwe! Now wouldn’t THAT be fun?

Pros and Cons of a Friday

Here’s a list of Pros and Cons of my day so far:

Pro: I have very smooth shaven legs today.

Con: I had to waste time shaving my legs.

Pro: Devina, the very nice T-Mobile associate I spoke to this morning, told me I had nothing to worry about when I asked her to make sure my service wasn’t disconnected today because of non-payment.

Con: I have gut rot today.

Pro: I got to see a beauteous GT Mustang on my way to work.

Con: I got to sit in traffic and breath in fresh tar fumes on my way to work.

Pro: It’s Pay Day!

Con: After I pay my bills, I will have no money left.

Pro: I’m wearing comfy yoga pants that make my butt look cute. (I think.)

Con: Sadly, heels don’t go with yoga pants, so I’m wearing non-cute shoes today.

Pro: Optimus Prime looks very “Optimum” on my Transformers T-shirt due to the extra sweater meat I possess.

Con: When I put my Transformers T-shirt on today, I was dismayed to see that it has acquired a tiny hole. (I wore it anyway.)

Pro: I got to jam out to ACDC’s Shook Me All Night Long on the way to work.

Con: The middle-aged paunchy man in the scary white van next to me was watching me jam out to ACDC’s Shook Me All Night Long.

Pro: My Rockstar bought me a lovely Cold Stone Creamery cake for my birthday last night. (What a honey!)

Con: My Rockstar is working over-time, so I didn’t get morning sex today. (Boo. Friday morning sex is our thing.)

Pro: I got a free large pizza coupon last night for completing my orientation as a Pizza Slut.

Con: If I order my free pizza today at work, I will eat it. All.

Pro: I was going to send my Rockstar a very fun nudey text to brighten his day.

Con: I realized I deleted all my fun nudey pics from my phone.

Have a Happy Friday, my Lovelys! XOXO

 

My Dream Car