Tag Archives: old age

Lament Of An Aged Waitress


It was a dark and dreary morning. Beneath a bundle of white fluffiness that was down comfort, frizzy curls the color of a New York fire engine poked out here and there. The person connected to the flaming tresses was deep in slumber, dead to the world. She was exhausted from a hectic night of working as a pizza slut; when she had arrived home the night before, she hadn’t even attempted to awaken the one-eyed snake known as the Rockstar’s dick. This was highly unusual for a sex-crazed woman such as she.

Before she had gone to bed, she had stripped in the bathroom, intent on washing the grime and odor of pepperoni and cheese bread from her pale skin. While she suds up in the shower, her eyelids became heavy with sleep from the warmth of the water pounding down on her in erratic bursts. She lacked the energy even to muster a sigh at the ridiculousness of the her situation.

After blow-drying her ass, (which had become a custom after her investigation of the Rockstar had suggested that this was the thing to do), she dragged her weary body into bed, wishing as she did so that she could sleep for all eternity.

BEEP BEEBEEBEEEP! BEEP BEEBEEBEEP! The sound she most abhorred reached her sleep-muddled brain. As she reached to stop her alarm from uttering it’s morning wake up call, her body creaked in protest. After many months of wearing her rockin’ high heels to work, her legs were unaccustomed to wearing the unfashionable faux-leather flats that she was now forced to wear to work, which made her blend in with the NORMAL people. After rolling out of bed (barely catching herself before hitting the floor), she crept to the bathroom to pee, her walk resembling the swagger of a cowboy to long in the saddle. As she plopped unceremoniously down on the great white throne in the water closet, her joints cracked and Sparklebumps thought to herself, “I’m too old for this shit.”

True story.

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