Tag Archives: orgasms

One Sparklebumps For Sale

For Sale

One mentally-maladjusted individual; slightly used. No dents.

All natural triple DDD’s included.

Measures out at 5’3″ and a 1/4.

Goes by the pseudonym “Sparklebumps”. Also responds to “Crazy Bitch”.

Runs like a dream when re-fueled with copious amounts of sugar or french fries.

Fits in a size 9 shoe- ass looks best when in a 5″+ stilletto.

Requires attention, regular orgasms, flattery, and books to operate properly.

Has supplied many hours of marathon sex, laughter, and stress-inducing behavior.

Can provide music, magnificent bedroom play, hugs, and trivia answers.

Horniness and entertaining buffoonery greatly heightened when provided with alcohol.

Hysteria may result if not suitably boned daily.

$6,000,000 or best offer.

Will consider newer model Mustangs and European castles on trade.

Contact Sparklebumps c/0 Rockstar at 867-5309 or via comments.

Series queries only please. Will not respond to bill collectors and/or IRS personel.


Filed under Humor, Life, Love, Money, music, Uncategorized

Exes and Os

This post is for anyone who has ever wondered about a significant other’s ex.

So on my lovely day of doing nothing yesterday, I accindentally on- purpose dug through my Rockstar’s personal junk drawer. Don’t judge me, you know you have done something similiar; YOU are just ashamed to admit it. I have no shame, and I will tell the truth. 🙂 Anyhoo, the intent was just to see if I could find out anything interesting that I didn’t already know about him. As I rifled through this alluring little drawer, I came across the norm- last year’s birthday card from me, a picture of his Daughter fishing, and Ooh! A girl’s phone number, with a note saying she was single again. That was intriguing, as I had never heard the girl’s name before, but I assume she was a one-night stand type of thing. (which my Rockstar doesn’t really find worthy of mentioning.) I kinda wanted to call the number and just say “Hey.” Probing deeper, I found aww, lyrics I had come up with that I told him to write down, (didn’t think he would keep those) and AHA! Something fun! A song he had started writing!!!! Aright, let me get situated. I pulled up a chair and plopped down. The following is a paraphrase, as I don’t exactly remember the lyrics:

“Seems like just yesterday we met,

something about your eyes, (paraphrase)

Now 10 yrs have gone by

And I really think you might have been the one.”

WAIT! This song isn’t about me! What the heck?! Hmmm, I wonder when he wrote this?

I will give a little background here. When he was 22 or so, my Rockstar lived in Texas, where he spent most of his time carousing and carrying on. One night, he was at a bar and saw a girl who “was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.” She was tall, blonde, green-eyed, and big -boobed. He ended up marrying here not long after that. They moved back to South Dakota (where he is originally from) and things proceeded to go downhill from there.  The Blonde dreamed of being a model, and I think realized she couldn’t do that in the plains of SD, and she began taking solace in the arms of a man (men?) NOT her husband. My Rockstar found out and kicked her ass to the curb, and then took her back at one point, as men are wont to do. Anyway, she ended up moving to New York and breaking his heart. She is now a grapic designer/ model that tans too much and bleaches too much and looks like a tranny a little bit.

SO. Here I am reading a song my Rockstar has written NOT about me. Now I believe that feelings that a person has when they are in their 20’s are very vivid and run very deep, so yes, it makes sense that he would have written a song about his broken heart. That in itself is not a cause for concern. But he has never said in so many words that I am pretty, or that he loves me. I do not doubt that he finds me not completely repulsive, as he can get a raging boner at any given time around me, but the fact that he has never said he loves me has been a source of unease for me. Yes, sometimes I can suffer from insecurity- most of the time I think I’m pretty awesome though. Perhaps it’s my insecurity, or maybe it’s just because I like to know stuff about people, but I have asked about this Blonde in the past. (which is how I came to know the lovely story I just told you above)

I have found out that she was a virgin when they met,(which was probably alot of why his heart shattered so bad when she betrayed him) and that she didn’t know how to get herself off until after him. There are other things, of course, but these are the interesting things to me. It is also fascinating to me that she is the complete opposite of me in looks. Don’t guys have a type? Yes, I admit that I chased him a bit, and maybe it was just my stellar personality that hooked him. Who knows. And I am very adept at getting myself off, which also makes me fun in bed, he says. He still affectionately calls her the “lying cheating cunt”, which astounds me as it has been almost 20 yrs.

My question is this. If you have ever been in love and had your heart broken, can it mend enough to love again? And if it does, will the next Love be as deep and fervent as the first? And can I be just a little sulky that he wrote a song about her when he hasn’t written a song about me? Or do I have to break his heart first? Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t have dug through his drawer. XOXO


Filed under Beauty, Family, Fashion, Humor, Life, Love