Tag Archives: Oscars

And the Oscar for Making Their Boobage Disappear Goes To…

All I can say is a non-intelligent sounding text acronym: “WTF?!?!??!”

I, like billions of other individuals throughout the world, tuned in to watch the Oscars last night. Actually, after a heated discussion about whether to forego this week’s episode of the Walking Dead in order to watch the Oscars, my Rockstar somewhat unwillingly tuned in. (Boobs win, y’all.)

My Rockstar and I have made a habit of watching the beginning of red-carpet awards shows so as to comment between ourselves on the amazing fashion sense (or lack thereof) of famed and sometimes not so famed celebutants. We have jokingly agreed that we should replace Joan and Melissa with our very honest and sometimes harsh own fashion police show. Last night was no exception.

At the beginning of the evening, I thought perhaps it was only a fluke that the three Jennifers (Garner, Lawrence, and Aniston) were all wearing questionable gowns. Do not misunderstand- all three of their gowns were absolutely amazing, except for one huge (or not huge) thing. All three women looked as though they had suffered a mastectomy before donning their designer duds. It’s true, Jennifer Aniston is not the bustiest of celebrities, but I’m quite certain more than one lonely man sitting at home has jacked off to her quite acceptable B-cups when she was portraying Rachel. However, that Garner chic (who I always considered to be gorgeous until I noticed last night that Ben Affleck must have run her through the ringer) has had quite lovely cleavage in the past, and is not the fact that J. Lawrence not a skinny mini what makes her appealing?

I continued watching in hopes that maybe the designers were only playing such tricks on girls named Jennifer. Sadly, it seems the fad for this year was making voluptuous actresses appear waif-like and un-endowed. Anne Hathaway, (who’s lovely knockers rival my own) Renee Zellweger, (who only had titties to speak of really as Bridget Jones) and Reese Witherspoon (who’s demi-cut dress even made my Rockstar go “WTF?!” ) all seemed to be channeling Audrey Hepburn. Don’t get me wrong- Audrey’s lack of boobage has always been greatly admired by me- so much so that during my anorexic days, I seethed at the fact that my ever-present hooters did not diminish to miniscule Audrey size. However, NONE of these women have Audrey-esque Love Warts. In fact, the only person who’s cleavage was almost perceptible to the naked eye was Nicole Kidman. (A surprising fact, considering that even though I’ve actually seen naked boobs on her in past films, she has none to speak of.)

When did flat-chested come back in style? It’s true, high fashion caters to women who are not blessed in the breast department, but I think Jennifer Aniston’s gorgeous red ball gown would have been even just a little bit more gorgeous if it had been cut in such a way to let her Girls breathe. I’ve come up with the perfect solution…

Someone needs to get me an invitation to next year’s Oscars, and I promise there will be enough cleavage to make up for what we missed this year. 🙂


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The Oscars MY Way

Aright, enough about me. I can see how multiple posts about myself could get irritating. And so, since the Oscars have just happened, and the most exciting thing to watch was Angelina pose awkwardly in her slitted gown, I have decided to hand out awards the way I think they should be handed out. This encompasses all of film and is not limited to just this year. There may be a few awards you’re not quite familiar with…

Best Romantic Comedy: Just Married– Before Ashton Kutcher was over-rated and before Brittany Murphy was dead.

Most Depressing Yet Inspiring Movie: My First Mister– A little more depressing than it is inspiring, I am quite melancholy for at least three days after watching it.

Best Rerun Movie: Independence Day- It also happens to have the best aliens.

Best Musical: Newsies– Before Christian Bale was Batman, he was in a little Disney movie where he sang with a New York accent.

Best Animated Film: The Little Mermaid– Because it is so colorfully wonderful and beautiful and I could never get sick of it.

Moving on to individual performances…

Best Boobs– Anne Hathaway in Havoc. I bet you thought I was going to say Angelina, didn’t you? Just wait.

Best Realistic Sex Scene-This is a tie.  Angelina and Antonio Banderas in Original Sin/ or Angelina and Ethan Hawke in Taking Lives. What can I say? The woman’s a natural.

Best Lesbian Scene– Here we go again. Angelina in Gia (The unrated version). (I’m really not biased, check it out for yourself.)

Best Vampire Performance- Tom Cruise as Lestat in Interview With A Vampire. He perfectly nailed the character, and it also happens to be the only movie I can stand him in.

Most Endearing Performance– This is for you, Edward Hotspur. Salma Hayak in Fools Rush In. Who WOULDN’T want to marry her in this movie?

Best Comedic Performance- Jack Nicholson in Anger Management/ and Jack Black in School of Rock. I believe these two characters should duke it out for the honor and have a Battle of the Bands in an Anger Management class.

Best Ugly Transformation- Charlize Theron in Monster. How did they get someone so beautiful to look so awful?!

Most Beautiful in a Performance- Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. You find me one person in the world who says she doesn’t look stunning in the last scene of that movie.

Best Villian– Dustin Hoffman in Hook. And yet he is almost likeable.

Best Musical Performance– Gerard Butler in Phantom of the Opera. It doesn’t matter HOW he looked. His voice did the talking. (Or technically, the singing.)

Best Literary Character Performance– Megan Follows as Anne of Green Gables. Maybe she’s more famous in Canada, because I haven’t seen her since.

Best Supporting Actress- Shirley MacLaine as Ouiser in Steel Magnolias. “I’m pleasant, dammit!”

Best Supporting Actor– Mandy Patinkin as Inigo Montoya inThe Princess Bride. “You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.”

Best Performance by a Child– Elijah Wood as Huck Finn. Also the only thing that he’s done where he hasn’t bothered me.

Most Dedicated Performance- This is a three-way tie:

Christian Bale in The Machinist. Because he really did get down to 119 pounds.

Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. Because he, well, he died.

Christina Ricci in Afterlife. Because she went through almost the entire movie naked and didn’t even flinch.

Best Career Actress- Julie Andrews. Because anyone who can play Mary Poppins, a nun, a transvestite, Peter Pan, and the Queen of Genovia is frickin’ awesome. And she is still gorgeous, even though she’s 107.

Best Career Actor– John Malkovich. Because I cannot name one specific movie that he’s been in, but he pops up in the most unexpected places and always gives the performance of his life.

Ok, I guess that about does it for the Oscars MY way. I really think I should be part of the group who decides who gets what.


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