Things To Say When “No” Isn’t Good Enough

I have, on occassion, been the recipient of unsolicited attentions from mens that are not my Rockstar. Since the simple phrase “I have a boyfriend” does not always have the ultimate power to deter said mens from insisting on a date with me (or other much more innapropriate behaviors, for that matter), I have devised a list of one-liners which, while not necessarily true, are strong enough in shock value to make any overly-amourous souls think twice. Any and all readers may borrow these if ever a simple “no, go away, creeper” doesn’t do the trick.

1. Do you have any itch cream? My herpes is acting up. (For the record, this is one of the not necessarily true ones)

2. My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I get asked out by men. (This has proven to have the opposite effect that one wishes. The hint of lesbianism drives men crazy for some reason.)

3. The therapist I had when I was in my padded cell told me I shouldn’t date for at least a year. Luckily, I’ve only a month to go. Wanna hook up then?

4. Sure, I’ll go on a date with you! I’ve been so lonely since I flayed my last boyfriend with a bowie knife and used his skin as a lampshade.

5. I don’t think my boyfriend Brock Lesnar would like it if we went on a date.

6. To steal a line from my Delightfulness, “I have to poop.”

7. I have a penis. (Another untrue one)

8. I do not date men, and only have intercourse with inanimate objects.

9. If you date me, you have to date my brother too. We’re VERY close.

10. Have you been to Mars? The aliens took me there once and it was lovely. Maybe we could go on a date there…

11. I religiously watch Family Matters and seek to emulate my favorite character, Steve Urkel.

12. Are you a member of The Church of Satan? Because I am.

13. Sure I’ll date you, just let me give my pimp a call and let him know I won’t be at work tonight.

Who I’d Be if I Wasn’t Me

This may come as a surprise to you all, but because of the relationships I’ve had, I am somewhat more edited than I otherwise would be. I am also still alive, when I probably otherwise wouldn’t be, so I suppose that’s a good thing.  I will explain.

I will admit that there have been many choices in my style throughout the year that my Rockstar and my Ex have not fully approved of. (Namely, my rainbow of hair color choices) This was just me being me while still trying to maintain their interest in me. Here is the funny thing- I tend to be in relationships with men who lean toward the more conservative side. I do not know why this is, but I will say that if I had dyed my hair Wildfire orange when I was still married, my Ex would have been greatly appalled, whereas the reaction from my Rockstar was only slight disappointment. I was thinking about it the other day, and have come up with a list of ways I would be vastly different if I had been going through life unattatched.

Firstly, I would probably have pink hair.

Or purple hair.

Or blue hair.

Or rainbow colored hair.

There really are just so many beautifully bright choices!

I would have had braids.

Or cornrows.

Or a fauxhawk. (I suppose I did technically have one of these. Of course I pulled it off.)

And then no hair at all. (Because I have a nicely-shaped head.)

Moving on from my skull…

I definitely would have a nose ring. (Because I have a very cute nose that begs to be blinged out.)

And a tongue ring.

And perhaps a clit piercing. (No, you don’t get a picture of that! This one is a maybe, because my clit really needs no more stimulation than it already gets.)

I probably would have had nipples rings at some point, but would have taken them out by now.

And oh the tattoes I would have!

I would surely have a giant backpiece of…

a tiger!

Or a cross!

Or a road map! (In case someone needed directions)

There would be that one very not-well-thought-out quote from Def Leppard that reminds us that “love bites”.

There would also be a swarm of butterflies flitting across my entire body.

Dr. Suess quotes? There would be many.

And perhaps a giant “American” tattoe across my belly. (To help identify my heritage when I was found dead in Brazil)

Of course there would be a little scattering of lipstick marks tattoed down the side of my neck. (Because who WOULDN’T want to kiss me there?)

Sadly, I am terrified of needles, so even if my significant other did not despise tattoes so, I mayn’t ever have any of these wonderful creations.

As far as the mental aspect of my life?

I would probably be living in Nevada working at the Bunny Ranch right now if I had never met my Rockstar.

Or going through life as a heroin-hooked Dumpster Junkie.

Or living in a padded cell talking to the extra voices in my head.

Basically, if it weren’t for the men I’ve had in my life, I’d be a hairless, multi-pierced, tattoed insane junkie whore.

Thank you, my men.

(I’d probably have a sweet book deal based on my life, though.)