Tag Archives: penis

30 Days- Day 1


I see what you people are doing! I see it! A 30 day challenge! I can do it too! It just might be a 60 day challenge. But that would be very good of me to actually finish something. So here we go.

Question 1. Five things to win my heart.

Ooh, boy. This is a toughy. Not because I have a heart of stone, but because there are many more than five things that would make someone win my heart. It may actually be easier to pick five things that WOULDN’T win my heart.

1. Money.

I don’t give a shit about money. And I won’t love you ’cause you buy me a castle. But I will sleep with you.

2. Assholery.

If you are nice to me, and are a giant buttface to the girl who brings us french fries, I’m not sorry to say that I won’t love you.

3. Giant penises.

From my experience, the mens with smaller Junk are better in bed and try harder. Giant penises are just bigger funky looking things. If I had a third boob, would you want it to be big? Ok, nevermind.

4. Obssession with something other than me.

I’m aright with you playing Resident Evil 7 for 13 hours straight if you fuck my brains out with just as much energy afterward. I also don’t have a problem with you watching the Vikings game if I’m sitting on your naked lap for most of it. I! ME! I’m more interesting that Adrien Petersen, although he does look very fun in his shiny pantalone’s.

5. Lazy Bum Syndrome.

I’m all about coming home from work and vegging out in front of Sex and the City with a drink in my hand (I LOOOVE that song!) , but really, you should go to work in the first place.

Ok, I think that’s about it for now, but don’t worry. I’ll finish the challenge.

P.S. I was completely drunk on 99 Grapes when I wrote this post, so shut up. But I love you!

 

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Discussing Manhood


After I was checking and deleting my 300+ emails today, (I’ve been remiss in my duties) I decided to check out the spam on my email in hopes that my long lost great aunt had died and her wishes that I inherit her castle had been placed in my junk folder. Sadly, no such email existed. However this one caught my eye, mainly because it was in all capital letters.

ADD THREE INCHES TO YOUR MANHOOD NOW!!!!!!!!!

The excessive use of exclamation point may also have inspired me to write this post.

Firstly, I would like to ONCE AGAIN point out that I am having no manhood in my drawers which needs to have three inches added to it. In fact, I have no manhood to which I could add ANY inches to. Instead, I have a perfectly lovely womanhood (is that a word?) that is capable of getting most any “manhood” it wants. This got me thinking, though.

What would I do if I DID have a manhood?

I think it would be safe to say that if I had a manhood, I would play with it all the time. After all, what fun to have a body part that grows upon contact! I would fondle it lovingly just to watch it get hard, and then take my hand away just to watch it go limp. Of course, there would be times when I DIDN’T take my hand away, but instead stroke it at various speeds until it spurted like a volcano. You guys are so lucky to have such a wondrous contraption connected to your groin!

I would also like to try peeing while standing up, because when I do that, the pee just runs down my leg.

Of course, there would be some shameful things that I would do if I had my very own manhood- mainly sticking it into things just to see what it felt like. I’ve heard that vacuum hoses are fun, but slightly dangerous, and that women’s mouths also feel nice. However, I would surely be slapped with multiple law suits if I just went around sticking my manhood in women’s faces, and so, it is probably a good thing that I haven’t one.

Secondly, this is my own personal opinion, but I bet if you start going around asking other women they would agree. Unless your manhood is disturbingly pitiful, like two inches, three inches added to it may just be too much. Yes, yes, there are those women who love a HUGE cock, but I assure you that most of those type of women have hoo-has that are stretched beyond all recognition. Also, I can say from experience that the men with the big manhoods don’t know what to do with them- they insist on shoving them in your cooch repeatedly in an ungentle manner, thinking that it feels good. To those men I would like to say something. Do you KNOW what our cooches would say if they could talk while you were doing that?! “UGH! You stupid fucker! Slow down! It’s good I don’t have anything breakable in here, because you are like a bull in a china shop!”

Also, men, I must tell you a little secret. Some happy fingers is really all you need.

The problem is, I think, that the men who would consider clicking on this “3 inches” email are probably obsessed with size, so there is a good chance that the men who already own mammoth cocks would buy this product. To that I say- If I saw a ten or twelve inch¬†dick pointing in my direction, I would run to the hills. Cue the Iron Maiden music.

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Point and Aim, Men


Men, boys, she-males-

I have a bone to pick with you.

And yes, it’s the bone in your pants that I’m talking about. (Even thought I’ve been told it’s not actually a bone.)

But it’s not in the context you’d expect from me.

I am pissed. (In every sense of the word.)

I would like to know- exactly what the fuck is so hard about pointing your dick in the general 12-14″ that is allotted from a urinal and actually pissing IN the thing, as opposed to IN FRONT of it?!

Is it that you are standing too far away, and your urinal stream lacks the power to get to it’s destination?

Is it that you are so distracted by having you penis in your hands that you just “forget” so pee where you are supposed to?

I really want to know.

I am not blaming the ENTIRE male species for this transgression; no. But I have asked many guys that I’ve worked with if they are the individuals pissing on the floor in the bathroom, and no ones copping to it. So until I get an honest answer, you are ALL under suspicion.

I know it IS quite possible for men to NOT know where to aim their thingys, (I believe I’ve said once or twice, “You missed the hole.”) But sex is a completely different matter. Peeing is something you’ve been doing since birth, so there is no reason that after all this time, you don’t know what you’re doing.

So the only other excuse I come up with is- you just don’t give a shit.

And in that case, I say, “FUCK YOU.”

It is not the complete joy of my life to mop up a pile of misguided piss every night at work simply because you lack the manners to aim.

If I have to stand there with my whip and MAKE you aim correctly, I will.

But I somehow don’t think you want that.

If you do not take into consideration that a girl as nice as me has to clean up your bodily waste matter, the next male I see come out of the bathroom, I WILL MAKE YOU LICK IT UP!!!!! I bet you won’t let that happen again.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Except, please make sure you wash your hands after you pee in the designated area. Thank you.

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Joe’s Junk and Other Disturbing Search Terms


My blog has finally given offense (since I’m quite sure that it never has before ūüėȬ† ) I switched on my computer this day and checked my “Site Stats”, only to be assaulted by “Joe Dimaggio’s penis”. Now, one would think it quite impossible for a man that’s been taking a dirt nap for many moons¬† to lambaste me with his genitalia, in fact, I believe Joe himself would be greatly distraught, but apparently someone’s quest for info on Joe’s Man Parts led them to my blog. Yes, I am speaking of the search engine terms that people have used and have ended up at my blog. It is safe to say that my blog is not entirely wholesome, but it truly unsettles me that sparklebumps is now associated with Joe Dimaggio’s cock. If I was going to rave about a man’s schlong, I doubt it would be Joe’s. Which brings me to another search engine term that brought me out of my disturbia:

“Is Christopher Meloni buff?” Yes! The man who causes the tiny earthquakes in my pants most definitely IS buff! This search term makes a bit more sense to me, because who wouldn’t WANT to find out about Chris? Yes, I realize I have mentioned him several times in the history of this blog, but a person can never really say enough about the¬†dreamboat that is Chris. Though I have never mentioned his buffness (I don’t think),¬† with my slight mentioning of this Adonis- like man, it makes sense that someone would find my blog.

“Armpit welt” I have never at any time mentioned anything about armpit welts (although it DOES sound like something I would say). I’m not exactly sure what they are, or what causes them, but I am quite certain that finding my blog is the cure.

“Diary of a slut” I may be a bookwhore, but I ain’t no slut. Yes, perhaps to some… virgins, I would be considered a strumpet (I love that word!) and the fact that I blatantly mention past sexual encounters may deem me harlot-like; but I can count on les than 2 hands the number of men I’ve tussled with. I will let you be the judge as to whether that makes me a slut…

“talking dirty erotic” Despite my admirable way with words, I feel that speak during sex is completely unnecessary. Don’t get me wrong; may I remind you that I have a dirty little mind and certainly come up with things to say, such as, “I want to feel your rock-hard cock in my wet cunt” and “I want you to cum all over my tits so I can lick it up”, but I prefer to remain a bit more mysterious in this area (as in wordless) and spelling cum like that freaks me out.

“how to get your fuck buddy to fall in love with you” I have no frickin’ clue. That was purely an accident. I am the LAST person you should ask about getting people to fall in love with you.¬†The only thing I can say is put a little bit of Sparklebumps in your step. Whatever that is. It is nice that people with burning questions like this have been so lucky to find my blog.

P.S. In reference to my Joe Dimaggio rant up there- it’s amazing how many different words there are for “penis”, isn’t it?

P.P.S. I realize that a picture of Joe’s penis would have been more appropriate for this post, but I’m sorry, any chance to look at Chris…

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