642 Things To Write About: #1 Online Dating Service Description

On one of my many jaunts through the delightful space called TJ Maxx, I came across the most amazing of books. 642 Things To Write About is a blogger’s greatest treasure. No longer will I waste time pondering what entertaining paragraphs I shall type on a day unfilled with inspiration. Instead, I will open up my handy-dandy book of writing ideas and randomly choose one that strikes my fancy. As all the best things begin with me, I feel it only right to begin this writing journey by choosing an idea that will fully illustrate the enigma that is me. The idea I chose for today was thus phrased: Write two descriptions of yourself for an online dating service. First, be the kind of girl who’d be taken home to meet the mother. Then try a hot, sexy version. This shall be fun…

#1. Young 30-something woman looking for love and the perfect person to raise gorgeous children with. Intelligent, witty, and caring. I will always kiss you goodnight and try my hardest to cook beautiful meals for you, though I cannot guarantee that they will always turn out. It’s A Wonderful Life is my favorite movie, because I long to have a family exactly like George Bailey’s. I play piano for my Grandma’s church,  and write in my spare time. I am in charge of a restaurant, but one day hope to become a published author so I can stay home and read to my babies. I haven’t the face of a Boticelli angel, but people have told me I’m very pretty. If you envision growing old with someone and sitting on a front porch somewhere drinking iced tea in your old age with her, I just might be it.

(Ok, not that that’s done, on to the fun.)

#2 Are you looking for lust in all the wrong places? Look no further, because here I am! 5’3″, DDD, and an ass that has been described as “perfect for anything”, I’m a girl who’s always ready for a good time, and I won’t say no to any requests (other than ones that include bodily fluids.) If you prefer a taller chic, no problem. My many stilettos help me out in that area! Looking to tie a girl up? Just the thought of it makes me hot. Wanna be tied up? I’ll make you beg. I’m intelligent enough I’ll even play chess with you after we’re done. Strip poker is my game of choice, though I  must warn you that I’m excellent at it, so wear extra layers. Blowjobs are one of my favorite past times, and I will swallow if you ask nicely. If I disappoint you in anyway, please feel free to administer spankings until I learn what your desires are. I’ve been described as “gorgeous”, “pretty” and “funny”. I am a writer; I write a lot of things, but erotica seems to be my favorite these days. I’ll bake for you in nothing other than my apron, and you’ll thank me for it later. As an extra bonus, I just happen to like girls too, so invite that hottie you’ve been checking out over. A forewarning- I might not share her. You know you wanna, so just call me, already. XOXO

A Spammish Response

I have a confession.

I read my spam comments.

No, I do not click on them, but I read them nonetheless.

And since the Spam Ejaculators insist on sending me such a disturbing comment as the following, it is only fair that I share it with my Lovelys.

Here it is:

When replying to this ad, include your full stats, age 35 45ish , weight, height, any kinks you might be into and preferred role e. I’m a 37yr old married expert cocksucker I’m 6’1″ 275 clean ,d d free, and very discreet. Not looking for one time encounter. I can’t stress enough that it is important to me that you be near ish my age, and both 100 into doing this. I’m 6’2″, 195lbs, 8″ thick cut cock, love to please and am DD free. by Matthew Panning, who was bragging about how he had Be sure to stop by and visit and pick up their latest cd The Gospel Side of Daily Reymundo Anguiano Harris County, Georgia. I get so horny just thinking about sucking a nice hard cock. Looking for some love maybe more i wnna have sum fun i wish someone would hit me up tonite im bored so ladies n milfs hit me up asap 18 n up ladies n milfs pic for picemail me 0r text  I am new to the area and I am searching for a woman that is into the same type of relationship I am seeking. I you want my picYou have to send yours. Just an average nympho looking for someone as into sex as i am. Pic required, I can either sneak ya in my room or suck ya off in the car. 31, five eleven, 184lbs, masc horny guy, all top. Chinese milfs. White male here looking for a woman that likes her feet pampered and massaged. HI there bi and gay male oral enthusiasts I am just one horny but nice bi guy wanting a suck buddy Once is fine weekly even better . I am not looking to meet or have sex, just chat and email. I am looking for an adventurous lady who would find it exciting to be photographed in the nude or in lingerie.

I feel compeled to respond.

Dear Spam Ejaculator-

I feel the need to inform you that I am unable to reply to your ad with my full stats because they do NOT, in fact, meet the criteria of 35-45ish. I am greatly disturbed that you have visited my blog and deemed me worthy of your middle-age seeking intents. As far as any kinks I am into, I will gladly share.

I, on occassion, like to be covered in whip cream, caramel, or other assorted sugary flavorings and licked clean. While fat-inducing dessert flavorings enhance the experience, I am happy to report that no additional sweets are necessary in the licking of me, as my own flavoring is quite tasty.

As far as any other kinks, if you are a man willing to bend over and allow me to do you in the butt with my strap-on, then perhaps you are the one for me- as I have been unable to thusfar find a willing candidate for said assplay.

Kudos to your expert cocksucking skills. I am happy to report that we have that in common. However, since you are married, it makes me wonder how it was that you came to excel at sucking cocks…

You sound quite beefy at 275 and 6’1. I would like to point out that you are, to be honest, NOT as discreet as you think you are, since your spam ended up plastered on the internet. As I do not know what dd free means, I cannot commend or berate you for that.

Once again, I am not near-ish your age, so I cannot be 100 into doing anything with you. I am greatly appalled that you think I AM nearish your age, since I was actually quite pleased with the photo I posted of myself, and saw no hint of crows feet or grey hairs.

I am confused, because you now say that you are 6’2 and 195 lbs., and that you sport an 8″ thickcut cock. You seem more my type with these stats, until I get to the point in your ad where you state that you get horny just thinking about sucking a nice hard cock. We also have this in common, but I regret to inform you that I maintain no hard cock, or in fact, ANY cock within my skivvies.

I like to see that you are looking for love- after all, isn’t that what we are all looking for? But you will find no love from me since you insist on spelling sum and wanna like that. Only smart people are allowed into my holes.

I get bored sometimes too, but I am not a milf, so in the future keep that in mind so I do not continuously get spam emails that I must then respond to in my blog. I have much better things to write about, but I cannot resist.

I am willing to send you pics, and want none in return, because unexpected boner pics give me the willies. (Ha, that was a good pun) I do not find it alluring when you offer to suck me off in tha car, so we will have to forego that. (Especially since I lack the equipment required for a good sucking off)

Now you are 5’11 and 184 lbs. Do you suffer from multiple personality disorder? It’s quite acceptable if you do, but since you are “all top” as you put it, I will have to go with one of the other personalities, since I do my best work when I’M on top. Sorry.

I would like to point out once again that I am NOT a milf, OR Chinese, and that I cannot stand to have my feet touched and pampered. I am very ticklish and cannot stop giggling once someone tickles me. The giggling would get in the way of any cocksucking you would be expecting.

HI there, nice bi guy personality, I feel the need to tell you that I am not the suck buddy for you- I prefer daily and not just weekly. I guess I just have a higher sex drive than you.

I would find it very exciting to be photographed in the nude or lingerie; however, after many nudey poses taken by myself, I have come to realize that I am the only one able to depict the fat on my body in a tasteful and sensual way, and so, I shall have to pass on the offer.

Forever Not Yours,

Sparklebumps