Pornstar Status

You’ve missed me, haven’t you?

It’s ok. You don’t have to admit it. I know that truth.

Anyhoo, I apologize that your last week has been mostly completely devoid of Sparklebumps entertainment. You know what they say- Misery loves company. Yes, I do.  So my intent is to make you as miserable as I.

Just kidding! I loves you all and want you to be happy! It’s not YOUR fault I suck at making basic life decisions, and so I shall drag myself out of bed to write a post that will (it is hoped) brighten your day.

I’ve always dreamed of being a Porn Star. While this urge has mostly remained in my subconcious, it’s always been there a little bit. Ever since my used-to-be-friend and I found her dad’s stash of Playboys.

I believe my desire to be a world famous Porn Queen stems from my histrionic personality disorder and the fact that I want everyone to look at me! Look at me!!!!! If I think this through a little more, I would actually throw a robe on if everyone was looking at me naked and scream, “Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me!”

I must say though, I believe I would be a huge hit if I ever were to film my sexual deviances for public consumption. (Even bigger than that Kardashian chic.) There would be none of that fake orgasming shit while screaming, “Oh god, oh yeah, right there, baby, fuck me good.Aghhhhhhh!” No. That shit pisses me right off. My sex scenes would harbor only true and legitimate cummings, accompanied by my true and legitimate orgasm squeaking. (Shut up. I can’t help it. And anyway, people seem to like it, so there.)

I would also make sure to only star in porn that carries a well-written story line and stars people with stellar acting abilities. I realize this is generally not the prerequisite for skin flicks, but it should be, dammit. Wouldn’t a movie about a Princess who is forced to be a sex slave while trying to save her country from anarchy be much more interesting than a copier-machine repair man accidentally sticking his boner into the secretary’s ass when she drops that memo onto the floor?

You may be wondering what has inspired today’s post.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a little post entitled Anal Glands, Shrimp Scampi, and Gene Simmons. A few days later I was browsing through my spam and saw that this post had been linked to another website. Being the insanely curious woman that I am, I clicked on the link (though I’ve been told that clicking on spam is a bad thing) and my eyes were immediately met with the sight of a girl bent over get drilled by another girl with a dildo. How thrilled do you think I was when I saw that my post made it on to the Strippers for your Desktop website?  I didn’t even realize this was something I was aiming for.

Actually, I must admit, at first I was completely appalled that my superior writing skills were being linked to porn sites (what would my church family say?), but after the initial shock wore off, I just shrugged and thought, “What the hell? There really is no such thing as bad publicity…”

I have since decided that if the whole “real” writing thing doesn’t work out, I shall be able to become famous by writing daily about anal glands. Maybe someday there could even be a Sparklebumps Channel  that only airs well-written porn starring Yours Truly.

Versatility Is My Middle Name

Here is the final post of my All About Me series. (Ok, let’s face it- there will never be a final post about me- but anyhoo…) Thanks to Archon hiding in his Den, you shall now know 7 things about me that you didn’t know before. And Archon, you may have a booby squeeze whenever you come an’ get it, but I regret to inform you that it will be slightly less enthusiastic than Chris Meloni’s, since you are, in fact, NOT Chris Meloni. (Believe me, I am as upset about that as you are.)

On to trivia about me… (I should really design a board game about me… can you imagine how sparkly and pink it would be?!)

1. I remember well the very first porn I witnessed. While I do not recall the exact point of it, I seem to remember something about strippers and ping pong balls shooting out of cooches. I also recall my friend laughing at me when I ended up running to the bathroom and throwing up after watching such things. I think the visual sequences were a bit much for my 7 year old brain.

2. I became a born-again Christian when I was 4. It was after Sunday School at the place where I had daycare, and the good old fire-and-brimstone preaching of the Baptists had my 4 year old self terrified of swimming in a lake of fire for all eternity. I still believe Christ died for me, but I also embrace all other religions, because, after all, who am I to decide which one is right?

3. I have wondered on occassion what it would be like to kill someone. No, I do not intend to find out for myself, but I mention this only because I know I’m not the only one. I’m just the only one willing to admit it.

4. I have never taken drugs, nor do I plan on it, but I have decided that if I ever did, heroin would be my first choice. I do not know why, except that if I’m going to indulge, I might as well start with the really bad stuff.

5. My knees can never be considered beautiful, because they sport numerous scars from living the life of an accident-prone child. The worst one came from running down a grass hill as full speed and totally biffing it as soon as I hit the concrete. There is a reason why I look best on my knees…

6. When looking for love, I do not gender-discriminate. In my life I have been in love with exactly 2 women and 3 men. It just happens that the women I fall in love with don’t swing that way.

7. I am not, at any time, ok with people taking french fries and other assorted foody goodness off my plate “just to try it” when I am at a restaurant. If you want some french fries, fucking order some. My french fries are MY french fries. And my ranch dressing is NOT for you!

Dream Rape

So, I would like to state that I have never found the thought of Ashton Kutcher naked a charming or alluring thought. Which may be the reason I was greatly disturbed upon awaking from slumber last night.

Let me explain.

Ashton made an appearance in one of my dreams last night. Sadly, I was going to write about my other dream, which was truly frightening, but it seems to have slipped my mind. So you get the Ashton dream.

I don’t really remember the whole thing, except that I had just moved into an apartment that resembled a Motel 6 room. (Creepy.) There was something having to do with hiding from some people who were after me, and then- there was Ashton. Apparently he was in the same situation of hiding as I. So here we were in this tiny apartment place, and then we were doing it. Very rambunctiously, I might add.

(I will clear up here that I have had only 2 other sex dreams in my life- one of them being not actual sex, but a dream with a shirtless Chris Meloni, so the fact that I started going at it hardcore with Ashton Kutcher in a dream has shaken me to my core.)

While we were making the bed bang up against the wall, (I said hardcore, and I meant it.) we were laughing and giggling, and then I heard a voice in my head say, “You guys are too in love, you’d never be able to make a porn outta this.”

(I wish to be clear again, I am NOT in any way in love with Ashton.)

But after the voice in my head said that, (I’m glad the voices make appearances in my dreams too and not just in real life) I started thinking, I bet I could get Ashton to shave and cut his hair and resemble someone who is not a goon. Why would I think THAT in the middle of him sticking his un-requested boner in me, I wonder?

Anyhoo, that’s all I can remember of my dream, but again I maintain that Ashton Kutcher raped me in my dream. Even if I DID enjoy it.

P.S. If it would have been the sexy Calvin Klein model Ashton of yesteryears, I perhaps wouldn’t have minded so much; but it wasn’t. It was the un-washed scruffy version of Ashton from Two and a Half Men. Blech.

The Story of A Mormon Boy

My post today is about a Mormon boy I worked with once upon a time.

Once upon a time, when Sparklebumps worked at a department store that was overrun with Mormon employees. She became friends with one of the Mormon boys who was on the edge of 20, and they chattered endlessly about the book ideas they had and how best to write said books.

For those of you who don’t know much about Mormon customs, when a Mormon boy graduates from high school, he is then expected to go on a mission to a different part of the world for 2 years. Some choose not to go, and some are not allowed to go when they confess their naughty sex sins to their leader. This boy Sparklebumps knew was to remain in the United States for his mission, due to a health issue.

Now, Sparklebumps has a knack for getting people to talk about very personal stuff. Perhaps it is her sparkling nature, or the fact that no subject is taboo, who knows. Anyhoo, one day the Mormon told Sparkle that he and his girlfriend did IT and how he liked to post pictures of her naked on amature porn websites. He requested that she check them out and get back to him with her honest opinion.

Now Bumps is all about the porn, and was intrigued. What kind of girl dates a Mormon who is taught sex before marriage is bad, yet tempts him enough to both somewhat deny his beliefs and then brag about it? So I looked up the site he gave me.

I was sorely disappointed. Not to say the girl wasn’t hot. In fact, her very perky boobies were surprisingly large for such a young and skinny girly. (Don’t worry, she is legal). The issue I had was in her face. Have any of you heard the term “Butterface”? Because she, unfortuneately, had one.

Butterface: a girl that has a nice body butt boobs and such but her face is very revolting.

Mormon Boy was boisterously curious to see what I had to say about his girlfriend. Sadly, he asked for an honest opinion and since angels cannot lie, I gave it to him. I let him know that his girlfriend had a butterface (as he was obviously unaware of the fact) and told him that I was so distracted by her frontispiece that I was unable to enjoy whatever funness was going on down below. I also let him know that the pictures that screamed, “Look at my pussy!” were not of the classy sort that I prefer. He was disappointed with my review, and assured me he would take some classier photos. I’m not exactly sure why my opinion mattered so, but when I told him I was not especially fond of blondes in the first place, he had her dye her hair.

A few weeks later, Mormon Boy let me know there were new photos to view, as well as a video. With much unease, I made my way to my computer yet again, prepared to have my eyes assaulted by Butterface once more. I was pleased to see that her pictures now whispered, “Would you like to take a look at my pussy?” instead of yelling “Look at my beaver, Bitches!” and the brown hair was a vast improvement. I however, was still disturbed by her face, and the 13 minute video he had me watch was excruciating.

Now, I have spent my fare share of time watching porn (for educational purposes only, of course) and I am appalled at the many women who are very horrific actors in this genre. Mormon Girlfriend was one of them. I have heard that speaking during sex, saying, “Oh, yeah, right there, ooh, you’re SO big, mmmmm, I’m gonna come” is a turn on for guys, but there is a way to make it believable, and then there is the crap way where it just seems like you are bored and want it to be over.

The gist of the video was 13 minutes of masturbation with various toys. I would say that I most adept at getting off when I am servicing myself, so if I were to make a similiar video, there would be no need to fake it. This girl SO obviously was faking it. That and the fact that 13 minutes of jamming toys up your cooch can get tiring to watch made me want to make my own video as a how-to guide.

The Mormon asked me to share around his girlfriend, so I placated him by mentioning her site to several of my Guy Aquaintances. They all said the same thing- “I can find way hotter chics on the internet.” My Rockstar agreed that her face was quite unfortunate-looking.

Anyhoo, the Mormon Boy ended up getting sent on his mission, and then proceeded to get sent home when the guilt of his indiscretions overwhelmed him and he confessed to his elders. He came back home and let me know that he was trying desperately to amend his ways, though at the same time he let me know there were new pics up of his girl.

Whiskey Kisses

The following post has not been rated due to the mature content. So by all means, keep reading!

I think it is really no secret that I loves the Sex. I love to watch it; I love to do it; I love to read about it; and I love to talk about it. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I was raised to NOT talk about it, to NOT do it, or to NOT even think about it. Who knows, but I do believe the morals my parents tried so desperately to instill in me backfired. At least just a little bit. That is not to say that I in any way resemble the girls from Sex and the City, because I could count on one hand the guys I’ve slept with, it just so happens that I have decent taste in men, so there has been no need to dispose of them as quickly as those girls do. Alas, my first relationship was somewhat devoid of mind-blowing Sex. Not completely- we DID do it once in a parking garage inside a step-side stickshift regular cab Ford ranger. (Yes, it was a tight squeeze.) But fortunately, with my Rockstar, I now have pretty fun sex quite frequently. I am a bit more adventurous than he is (no butt sex or spanking for him!) but really, that’s quite aright. I am just open to more things. But yes, he would be just fine sharing me with another girl (what guy wouldn’t?) Anyhoo, I am getting off track.

My Rockstar and I have a good time drinking, as well. I don’t know if this is normal in a relationship (as I have only been in 2), but we can entertain ourselves quite well, especially with a little whiskey or peach schnapps. Tip a few back, turn on some tunes, and it’s a mosh pit.  Also, whiskey is very beneficial in educating a person. I have learned that you must be careful jumping around on the bed with a microphone near your face,  heard numerous stories of past Exes, and found out that my boyfriend sings like Vince Neil. (At least he did when I was drunk.) I have also realized that we make a huge mess in the kitchen when we are drunkards. C’est la vie.

Porn is also very fun to watch when you are inebriated. I don’t know about you, but I love porn! I have been fascinated with it ever since me and my used-to-be friend Catherine found her dad’s Playboys. At least you men out there would agree with me- BOOBIES ARE FUN! It is also fun to find out you are the first person to give your 40 yr old boyfriend a blowjob while watching porn. Yay, me.

Basically, if you have never spent a night drinking with your significant other, try it! You may get to talking and learn somethin about them you never would have otherwise, or you may end up having sex in a different way, or maybe you will just end up having a steamy make-out session. And even if that’s all you do, just remember, at least you were probably too drunk to care if he had whiskey breath. XOXO