Analyzing A Non-Marriage

So apparently, I am unworthy of a proposal of marriage.

After agonizing over this for months, (or perhaps years) it seems to be the only logical explanation.

That is not to say that I am not marriage material.

Quite the contrary, in fact.

During the first seven years of my previous relationship, my ex stated at numerous various intervals that he had every intention of marrying me. And he did. After I said, “OK. So we’ve been together for, like, ever. Let’s get married already.”

That was the first instance of a non-proposal I experienced.

When my Rockstar and I formally started dating, (when he said, “If we are going to be together, I don’t want you fuckin’ around with other guys.”) I asked him how he wanted his life to go in regards to any kind of relationship. He said, and I quote, “I want to be married, and maybe have another kid.”

Soon after that, he asked how my ex had proposed. Imagine his surprise when I told him there had been no actual proposal.

Throughout our two-year relationship, the only time I have mentioned marriage is the time I left my Non-Proposal Note. (Which got no response.) It may seem that I am in a terrible rush to repeat the disaster of marriage. In fact, the opposite is true. Things are practically perfect, and I am well aware that marriage does not make anything better. (or worse.)

The point is…. my Rockstar said once that he wished to be married someday. Long long ago, he was married and it all went to shit; so I understand any hesitation that may exist. At the same time, I am most definitely NOT an almost-model who is fucking around with multiple dudes, and our relationship has already lasted longer than his first marriage.

If he were to propose, I’m not even sure I would say yes, (OK, I readily admit that is a lie) but I want him to WANT to marry me, even if we do not actually commit the actual act.

I asked my boss Frenchi, “If a guy wants to marry a girl, he will ask her, yes?” He said yes. (Of course, he has been married 3 times, so I think that he is not afraid of commitment.)

So now I am asking all of you, “If my Rockstar wanted to marry me, he would have at least asked by now, yes?”

A Non-Answer: The Non-Proposal Sequal

So one of the habits my Rockstar has that I may have forgotten to mention in the past is that he doesn’t answer people’s questions alot. I think that this is not the way he was raised, since his mother tends to lean toward the kinda-awesome side. Perhaps it is due to the many years he spent as a single man before I came along with no one to respond to, or before that- the years he spent tuning out his Daughter’s Mother and her bitching. Whatever the reason for his silence, I’ve decided that it’s just not ok sometimes.

Yes, I realize that I tend to talk too much, and my excessive sparkly energy may be exhausting sometimes, so I do not fault the man for tuning me out on occassion. Hell, I would tune me out much more often than he does if I were dating me. That is why I put the important stuff down on paper, so he can read it at his leisure, and comprehend it at his own pace.

So, if you read my post yesterday, I’m sure you are all waiting with baited breath to read what my Rockstar had to say about my little note. Let me tell you. Nothing. He said nothing. In fact, I have ripped apart his entire desk-ish area looking for the damn thing, thinking that perhaps a flatulent wind caused it to blow away. I have come to believe that the power of my Rockstar’s guitar amps may have caused my little slip of paper to disintegrate, because there is no sign whatsoever that it existed. This makes me wonder:

Is the thought of marriage to me so abhorrent that he would douse it in ketchup, fry it up, and devour it, which then would cause my non-proposal to be digested and delivered to his colon, which then would result in a massive morning dump, destroying all evidence?

Is the fear of being stuck with me for all eternity so horrendous that he would dice my note up in the food processer and then scatter the remaining bits to the four winds?

Perhaps I am over-reacting. After all, it WAS only a suggestion.

I am not quite sure this is related, but as this has never happened quite like this and I have never before almost-proposed, I tend to think it is.

When I crawled into bed with no answer last night, my Rockstar proceeded to very roughly fuck the livin’ daylights out of me. For him, rough sex is quite abnormal. So then I got to thinking, maybe he’s just mad that I asked him first. I also thought, “Maybe I should propose more often.” 🙂

A Non-Proposal

So, I will readily admit that I am much more proficient in writing than I am in actual conversation. Also, I am one of the most impatient people in the world. Which is probably why I just wrote this note to my Rockstar, which I will leave conveniently placed for him in front of the computer so he can read it when he gets home from work: (FYI, I will already be at work)

So, I’ve been thinking. You are of a certain age when you might consider settling down. (Because going to bed at 8:00 is not settled down enough. 🙂 ) I might know someone who will love you and Emmy forever if you want. But just to be clear, she may try to molest you. ALOT. Anyhoo, I was just thinking of this, because she might join the army if you don’t want to love her forever. XOXO

P.S. It’s just a suggestion. I will love you either way.

I think I will be kicking myself tomorrow…