Fury

I hate to be absent for so long, and then post a post like the following will be, but it must be done. The fury can no longer be contained.

So, does anyone else that is helping to raise a child that is not their own ever want to karate-chop said child in the fucking throat at times? To quote Sam Smith, “I know I’m not the only one.”

It may be said that, these days, I lack the infinite patience I once boasted because my inner ribcage is being used as a practice boxing ring for my future UFC son. But I do not think the following is EVER acceptable coming from any twelve-year-old:

“You don’t do ANYTHING except work. You don’t help with the dog; you don’t do the dishes; and you only pay dad $300 in “rent” every month. He basically has to do everything else.”

Perhaps the correct response would have been to not respond at all to this blatantly incorrect statement, and to address the attitude behind it, but you know what? I’M NOT FUCKING DEALING WITH THIS SHIT TODAY.

Instead of voicing the thoughts roiling through my head that went something like this- Listen, you spoiled little preteen cuntbitch, I did the dishes more times than you did this week, I pay $400 for half the house payment, as well as half the utilities and food to feed your shitty big mouth,  and how do you figure working all the time isn’t doing anything, you stupid little cocksucker?!- I did the unmentionable. I  took the laundry I washed yesterday that I supposedly “never do”, and threw everything that was hers at her and said, “Here. Since I don’t ever do anything around here, you can fold your own fucking clothes.”

Trust- it irks me to no end that my Rockstar finds the whole situation amusing. I do not expect him to argue with her incorrect informations, because she is twelve, and too immature to be arguing with in the first place, but I DO expect him to address her shitty hooplehead attitude. Maybe he is the one I need to cunt-punch.

I am perfectly aware this post is nothing but a ridiculous rant of almost-stepmomdom, but since I can’t poke her eyes out with excessive force and scream to the heavens my frustration, I have to just type it out and inwardly whine, “Please just let me diiiiiiiiieeeeeee.” Even thought I have no intentions of expiring anytime soon.

A Response to a Hater

Almost a year ago, a wrote a letter to Tara Knowles, the fictional character in Sons of Anarchy, HERE. It seems there were many SOA fans who agreed with the contents of that letter; so many, in fact, that it has become the single most shared of my posts on Facebook. Sadly, we cannot all agree on how wise and generally hilarious I am, which leads me to my next post, a letter to “Tara’s biggest fan”, the person who left this comment on that post just the other day:

Tara’s biggest fan!

October 31, 2014

Fuck you and this post. Tara loved Jax more than anything. He chose the MC and his ‘mommy’ over a girl who could have and should have done way better. But instead trusted her heart that she could wait out and he would change. Became a mother to his first son while he left her alone to have his second while he was in the pin. Because of him and his false promises she lost the use of her hand that provided an out for their family, lost the love of her life to his club and bitch slut control freak druggie mom…and chose to raise her sons HIS sons so much she was the clear conscience he couldn’t be she was loyal to her role as a mother over herself and her piece of shit cheater ass husband. She lost her life trying to do what he wanted but couldn’t. She went to jail for his club duties and see how being loyal to her husband and the mc got her….it turned her into gemma which was the level she had to get on….to protect her sons from their father just like gemma did. She was the best thing that ever happened to jax, those boys, the mc, & charming! She’s the only thing that DID make sense in that show. She sacrificed everything for love and just when her husband decided to be a man and take credit for all the shit he’d caused her to do and become… once again crack hore slut bitch mom protects her baby boy….

For u to say she is ugly and deserved to die.. you must be a gemma skank ass bitch that gets off by homewrecking real relationships and it helps you sleep at night because you have NO respect or pride for yourself. If u hate her so much you must love Wendy. Well, I hope you are the pussy jax runs too and have a mother in law like gemma that stalks ur ass and leaves u know room to be alone wirh ur man or ur kids and u get stuck between becoming a bitch or serving as an old lady with no place ro speak ur mind if a man doesnt allow it…. u must think porns a real buisness of respect and killing innoscent people for sport is fun too huh?

I just thought I’d be the one to stand up for Tara and what she stood for on a page that everyone seems to have lost their minds and be Gemma themsleves. you must be a gemma skank ass bitch that gets off by homewrecking real relationships and it helps you sleep at night because you have NO respect or pride for yourself. I wish u the best in your life…because tight pussy and a pretty face only gets you so far until youre used up stretched out and he throws ur wringly ass out. Then what do u have to show for respecting urself??

I must respond, and defend my “tight pussy and pretty face that will only get me so far.”

Dear Tara’s Biggest Fan, (and hater of Gemma),

I respect your opinion and your devastatingly noble devotion to any fictional character, namely one Tara Knowles.

That being said, your comment gave me great pleasure, and continues to give me great pleasure as I respond in kind to it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Firstly, I would like to address the bluntness with which you begin your comment. “Fuck you and this post.” You say. Being an eternal fan of the ever satisfying “fuck you”, I must say that I admire your quick and unadulterated use of the phrase, however, might I suggest that in the future, you refrain from beginning any lengthy rant with it, as the unfortunate timeliness of using it thusly can put the recipient on edge, and anything written thereafter will be received with ill feelings, and convince the reader that you are, in fact, not of a well-read or intelligent ilk. In other words, save if for the end. If it’s the first thing you say, it is likely no one will care one wit what it is you have to say after.

As I read further, I was again struck by your commitment to, might I repeat, a fictional character, as well as the loathing you have for some of the others. ‘Tis true, my contempt for Dr.
Tara Knowles did inspire me to write a letter to her, which, in some circles might be viewed as an act of absurdity. But not at any time did I address or insult a real person in my letter as you have done in yours. You must be a gemma skank ass bitch that gets off by homewrecking real relationships and it helps you sleep at night because you have NO respect or pride for yourself, you say. I suppose according to some, I may be a “skank-ass bitch”, though if I have wrecked any real relationships, it is solely because I am more adorable and funnier than the women in said relationships. (I must state at this time that I have never partaken of the man-fruits of these wrecked relationships, only made these men realize not every woman is as bitchy as their current girlfriends.) That being said, I clearly haven’t an issue with self respect or pride; I expect my histrionic personality disorder has something to do with that.

I do respect those who are comfortable enough to be employed in the porn business, because who among us at one time or another have not whored ourselves out for money? Perhaps not sucking cock and taking it up the butt, but surely everyone out there has stayed at a job they hate for money, while mentally getting fucked in the ass by their boss, or taken a pay raise to do something they detest. I applaud those of the porn industry who have given many hours of pleasure to many people who have partaken of their whorish efforts. As for killing innocent people for fun, I’ve never considered doing it, but I have it on good authority that many angry men in our country sign up for the armed forces to have a chance to do just that. I do not speak ill of our Nation’s army, for I understand the urge.

I will not address you, Tara’s Fan, quite as harshly as you have addressed me, but I must at this time mention the dreadful spelling errors and obnoxious punctuation mistakes in your tirade. You seem to think Gemma was not actually Jax’s mommy, as you have mentioned her as ‘mommy’. Apostrophes are used to show possession; I believe mayhap you had meant to use quotation marks, which really wouldn’t have made any more sense, since Gemma was, in fact, Jax’s mother, and referred to in that way throughout the show by your beloved Tara. Sadly, there are many instances in your rant which lack the proper use of apostrophes- far to many to mention. Your repeated use of “ur” and “u” suggest that perhaps you have the spelling mentality of an ever-texting teenager; your copious other spelling errors lead me to believe you spend more time watching TV shows and becoming obsessed with their fictional characters than you spend reading books, in which case, I feel sorry for you, and can only hope things change for you sooner, rather than later.

I wish u the best in your life…because tight pussy and a pretty face only gets you so far until youre used up stretched out and he throws ur wringly ass out. Then what do u have to show for respecting urself?? In response to this last bit of your angry diatribe, I assure you that I have not at any time possessed a “wringly ass”; I don’t exactly know what that is, but I assume it is not something most people want. As far as being stretched out- it will never happen. I take my Kegel exercises very seriously, and my Rockstar assures me there are no worries of my ever having a vagina that resembles a hallway having a hotdog thrown down it. If by chance it does happen, I have the knowledge that I will always use the proper spelling of “yourself.” There is no greater self-respect.

Have a nice day,

Sparklebumps

 

 

Insecure

I have realized why I haven’t finished writing a complete novel yet.

Because I suck balls.

Not in the good, tea-bagging kind of way, either. In the Taylor Swift, untalented, Twilight-esque kind of way.

OK, maybe not quite that badly. I’m pretty sure I could never write something as terrible as Twilight even if I tried. But I’m also pretty sure there’s some people out there who might think so.

I’ve been told by a few people that I possess a talent for writing, and if my blog is any indication, the fact that I have almost as many followers as I do posts seems like a good omen. However, I’ve just been working on chapter four, and every time I type something and then read it, I want to smash my computer screen and abolish any evidence that I would imagine such drivel.

Is this a writer’s dilemma? Do all writer’s sit in front of their work and berate themselves for writing swill? If so, did Stephanie Meyer type up her “masterpiece” and refrain from ever reading it afterwords? It would certainly seem so. ‘Tis true I would probably benefit from a few classes that teach a person how to focus and write and rewrite, but who has money for that kind of thing? I’ve always written by emulating other authors whose books I’ve read. Is that considered plagiarism? I wouldn’t think so, since I’m not actually stealing their ideas. As much as I adore a great many writers with many writing styles, I don’t really want a reader to finish my book and think to himself, “Well, so-and-so writes exactly like that.”

I’ve discovered as I write that the details, which are so extremely important, are the very things that keep me from getting my stories out of my head. I adore Thomas Hardy’s attention to detail, and his 14- page devotion to describing what an English moor looks like, but how did he do that while still keeping the reader interested at the story at hand? And unless you’re writing in first person narrative, how do you stick the “she said” s and “he replied”s in without sounding too cheesy?

I know I can write well, it’s just getting it out that’s the hard part. And as you all probably already know, the only thing I like hard is my Rockstar’s dick.

Thank you for listening to my rant. The end.

A Letter To SOB’s

Dear Sons of Bitches,
If you think this letter is addressed to you, then it probably is. So read on.
I do not appreciate the fact that I have befriended you, and you see fit to slam shit around in a childish manner. To this I say in an equally child-like manner- “NO NO NO NO!!!!”
I do not appreciate that I was asked to participate in a group project, and then was sorely under-appreciated, and made to feel that I had over-stepped myself. I over-step myself on a daily basis- the exact reason I was asked to participate in the first place. So, NO! I shall not participate in any other group projects. My writing is better without outside interference anyway.
I do not appreciate that I did my best as a matchmaker, and was not even informed of any juicy details that may have occurred because of my Love Fenaggeling.
I do not appreciate that I was customer friendly, (only because I was paid to be) and was cursed at.
I do not appreciate that I am me, and am compared to someone who is disliked by many. (And who is clearly NOT me.)
I do not appreciate that I tell someone I appreciate their beauty, and do not even receive a hug in response.
Kiss my ass and Fuck Y’all.

The Truth About Facebook

I have mixed feeling about Facebook.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s just an excuse for everyone to say, “Hey! Look at me! I’m so great and wonderful and I post ALL these pictures to make you guys  THINK that I’m one of those people who DO stuff. I’m so beautiful and photogenic, and I fully intend to make you realize that!”

Yes, I am bitter.

I am bitter because no matter how many pictures my Facebook buddies post of me, EVERY SINGLE ONE looks like shit. I realize that I am not a skinny minnie, but for chrissake! Do they HAVE to post the pictures of me that make me look like I’m in the third tri-mester of my pregnancy with a whale?! These people are supposed to be my friends! What the hell?!

I am quite certain there are at least one or two good pictures out there of me, so why do my “Friends” insist on posting these horrendous photos? I will tell you why.

Because they want to make themselves look better.

I am their Facebook D.U.F.F.

For those of you who don’t know, a D.U.F.F. is a Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

I know this is what these people are doing, because I’ve had DUFFs in the past.

The difference is my DUFFs were not picked specifically to be DUFFs. They were my friends, and OTHER people informed me that they were DUFFs. I only saw them as my beautiful friends.

And I would NEVER EVER have posted pictures of them without their approval.

Moving on.

I have an appropriate amount of Facebook friends, I think.

Just over a hundred. I see no need to hike up my self-esteem by claiming every single person I’ve met in my life, including the woman who gave my mom the ultra-sound when she was pregnant with me as a Facebook friend. If I don’t still know you (or if you went to the same school as I did 10 years after me) I feel no need to approve your friend request.

And here’s the thing. I thought Facebook was a place to get in touch with people you liked. So why the hell do people go offline THE second I try to chat with them? If you don’t want to talk to me, then why the hell did you add me as your friend? If it was just to creep through my posted pictures, We’ve already established there are no good ones for you to look at. So just delete me already and be done with it.

Next- a confession.

Yes, I creep through people’s pictures. I especially find joy in looking through people’s wedding photos to see what kind of wedding they had. (I have a weird obssession with weddings. I’m quite certain that if they didn’t cost so much, I would have one every year.)  I do find it slightly disturbing that so many people are getting married nowadays- has this been going on for a long time and I never noticed? I also like to see photos of the boys I had crushes on, and the women that they ended up with; which I then think evil thoughts about in my head. (Such as- she has back fat. I’m cuter than her. I am also quite certain these women are saying the same things about me.) Also, do normal people always go on vacations EVERY year? Because I haven’t been on a real vacation since 1997 when I went to Tennessee with my parents and swam in a 4 person jacuzzi tub. Damn all you people and your fabulous vacations!

I DO like to look at my Facebook friends’ pictures when they are into photogrophy, or have gotten a new camera. After all, I love pretty things.

About the games- WTF?! Do you people have nothing better to do than feed virtual pigs and pretend to be mafia goons? NO, I do NOT want to help you get 7 more acres for your Farmville farm, because I would much rather go to work to save money for my own REAL farm. (Where I shall have a fainting goat and a peacock.) And anyway, shouldn’t you be having sex with you significant other, or learning to cook, or some other semi-useful thing?

I will admit, it is nice to see that Bob, or Henry, or Gloria have cancer, or have gotten engaged, or have died. Although, if I am not worthy of a phone call at these fine Life Moments, I have this feeling that you are somewhat dead to me already. Don’t you agree?

Lastly, it seems that Facebook is a place where any individual may go and blab all about themselves and their wonderful life, so I just don’t see the point. After all- I have a blog for that. XOXO