Tag Archives: reading

What Was Read in 2013


This is a shamefully short list of books for the entire year. That’s all I have to say about that.

Strip City: A Stripper’s Farewell Journey Across America- by Lily Burana

Sebastian- by Anne Bishop

The Help- by Kathryn Stockett

Between the Lines- by Jodi Picoult and Samantha van Leer

Wings of the Mornings- by Lori Wick

A Mermaid’s Tale: A Personal Search for Love and Lore- by Amanda Adams

Memoirs of Cleopatra- by Margaret George

The Rose and the Beast: Fairy Tales Retold- by Francesca Lia Block

Grimm’s Grimmest- by the Brothers Grimm

City of Bones- by Cassandra Clark

The Art of Racing in the Rain- by Garth Stein

The Vampire Lestat- by Anne Rice

Mermaid- by Carolyn Turgeon

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More Than One Reason You Should Pick Up a Book


I began thinking about this post with the intention of just rambling on pointlessly about my love of books.

But then I thought to myself, “Self, nobody cares that you love books, and anyway, the Book People already understand.”

I realized how very right my Self was.

But then I got to thinking, “What if I gave the non-Book People good and valid reasons to want to read?”

And so, here you are:

Reason #1: You will only be smarter if you read a book.

Even if it a complete disaster of a story line (ahem, Twilight) with questionable self-absorbed control-issue teen romances, you will come out the other end with just a little more knowledge than you went in with- even if it IS only finding out the difference between there, their, and they’re.  It is hoped that perhaps you might learn something a bit more challenging than third grade English, but sadly, some books are meant to entertain imbeciles.

Reason #2: You will have a conversation starter.

Just think, the next time you are waiting in a never-ending line for an open porta-potty behind a man decked out in full pirate regalia at the Renaissance Festival, instead of commenting on the size of his sword, you could mention that you just finished an amazingly entertaining book by so-and-so, and you might find that instead of thinking about his sword, this pirate may come alive with the information that he, too, just finished the same book! Perhaps you will become deeply engrossed in literary conversation, and become friends for all eternity. This also works to pick up girls, but generally only the smart ones.

Reason #3 : Money might fall out.

If you are wise enough to purchase a book at your local used-book store, you might be lucky enough to open your slightly-loved copy of Moby Dick and discover a $500 bill. More likely, it will be a oner, or maybe a five, but hey, it paid for your damn book, so shut up.

Reason #4: You may discover you harbor a secret desire to become an author, or an editor.

If you read your used book and find that you are very opinionated about how the author worded things and/or changed subjects, maybe you were meant to become a world-famous book critic instead of wasting away your days in the drive-thru at McDonald’s.

Really, you will never find yourself wishing, “Dang it, I didn’t get to watch enough T.V. this week.” But you may just be sorry if a certain redhead asks you if you’ve read a book, and you have to shamefully admit you haven’t.

 

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My 2012 Reading List


I suppose with all the sex talk and Rockstar drama I’ve posted, you may have forgotten that I actually love to read. So I decided to share the list of tomes that fed my brain this year. Unfortunately, for the most part, I have to say this year was the first that I could actually say I read a book and hated it. More than one, actually…

Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica- Almost my life exactly, minus New York City. Lucky for him, his blog became lucrative.

Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell- I can honestly say the movie was better than the book. I was surprised to find the book had almost absolutely nothing to do with the HBO series that I so adore.

Sula by Toni Morrison- one of the many Oprah picks I own, I identified slightly with the title character, who is described as a “wanton seductress”. The only thing is, I don’t do it on purpose, and my skin is not chocolate-colored.

My Lesbian Husband by Barrie Jean Borich- a memoir by a lesbian English professor who lives with her lover in Minneapolis. She is very like me, except completely lesbian, a professor, and blonde.

I’m No Saint by Elizabeth Hayt- Sadly, this book did not stick in my brain at all. The only thing I remember is that I was greatly excited to buy a memoir about a naughty woman, only to find that whoredom is not all that interesting to read about.

Snuff by Chuck Palahniuk- Disgusting enough that I couldn’t stop reading. I often wonder if people have the same reaction to my blog…

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold- After finishing this, I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell all the fuss was about. Although I did like Alice’s take on Heaven.

Model by Cheryl Diamond- An enlightening memoir about the modeling business. Nothing you couldn’t learn by watching America’s Next Top Model, but it’s nice to know that plain looking tall skinny blondes with lazy eyes can make millions by walking down runways in next to nothing.

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers- A nod to my Baptist upbringing, it was the only religious fiction book I could find that took a Biblical story about a hooker and turned it into a Western. Sadly, I was not as adoring as the other 750,000 people whom the book advertised having bought it.

Dolly: My Life and Other Unfinished Business by Dolly Parton- Just as amazing as the woman herself. Like her, my biggest vices are men, food, and sex. (Not necessarily in that order.)

One For the Money by Janet Evanovich- My friend Delightful lent me the first three, insisting that the main character Stephanie Plum was an exact replica of me. While I do not disagree with her, I am thoroughly convinced that if I had been cast in the movie instead of that weird looking blonde with the platypus mouth, they would have made the other 20 sequels.

Fifty Shades Trilogy by E.L. James- As big of a waste of time as the Twilight books. I am sorry I spent time reading this swill instead of writing proper smut for you all to read.

The Host by Stephanie Meyer- Congratulations to Steph for not repeating the mistakes she made in Twilight,  New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. I actually want to see this movie.

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou- Can four poems be considered a book?

The Gods of Asphalt by H.E. Ellis- Because she is my future wife, she let me read it for free. Let me tell you a secret: It’s worth paying for.

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk- A friend of mine had been reading every publication of good ol’ Chuck. I have yet to see why he was so enamored by his writings.

Well, I think that about does it. On a normal year, there would have been many more titles in my list, but seeing as I’m the head Pizza Slut lately, I haven’t the time. Besides, if I’m having the time, I should really be writing things that all of YOU can put on your lists!

 

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It’s Time To Read


Shame on my Rockstar and his Daughter’s Mother, for now this is the conversation I get to endure EVERY TIME we attempt to sit down and read with his Daughter:

Me: OK! Let’s pick a book! How ’bout Dr. Seuss?

Her: *giving me the look of death*  NO! I’m NOT reading!

Me: Well, I guess you want to waste all day arguing about it then. You know you have to read for half an hour every day.

Her: I don’t WANNA! I wanna play!

Me: Well, you can go play after this book. Come on, we’ll do every other page. You read one, then I’ll read one.

Her: FINE. But I’m NOT reading for a half hour.

Me: Whatever.

Her: (after closely inspecting whatever book to see how many pages there are) This book is LONG! I’m NOT reading the whole thing!

Me: *maintaining patience. Barely* Just reading. You know, you’d have 5 pages read already if you’d just do it.

Her: (after rolling aroung, crinkling pages, sighing, and finally settling on leaning against me) gjpsodg ue fseegfhaosd

Me: WHAT? If you can’t read it so I can understand you, I’m going to make you read it again.

Her: (noticing the next page is shorter) You read this page, and I’ll read the next page.

Me: *deep breath* If you don’t start reading, I’m going to make you read the WHOLE thing. Read.

After a few pages…

Her: (rubbing eyes and wriggling around irritatingly) I’m not going to read anymore.

Me: Well, I guess we’re going to sit here in silence then. You know you could be playing right now.

Her: Mom doesn’t make me read!

Me: And that’s why you’re failing all your classes. Read.

Her: (after reading one word, she sits in silence, waiting for me to read the next word) I don’t know that word.

Me: Sound it out.

Her: I don’t KNOW it!

Me: Make a sound then. If you make a sound, I’ll help you.

After extensive prodding, we do finally get to the end of the book. And believe me, I am as relieved as she. It’s a good thing I dye my hair, because THIS every weekend will surely turn me grey.

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A Kid Story


So my Rockstar’s daughter doesn’t like to read. If you know anything about me, you will realize what a tragedy this is. Anyway, I wrote a story about her, hoping maybe she would get into reading. Sadly, since I didn’t include pictures, she wasn’t interested. Since I have nothing of import to post today, I shall let you all read it.

Last Wednesday, Emily Madison awoke with a jump

and she sat up real quick,

because she heard a great THUMP.

And she felt it too!

For there on her head,

all lumpy and warty,

sat a toad, calm as could be,

acting as though her head was some kind of party.

She opened her mouth to let out a yell

and you never would guess what happened!

Well, a bird flew right in there!

It’s true! I swear!

That bird flew right into her mouth without care.

Now, I have never woke up

with a toad on my head;

neither have I had a bird in my mouth while

I’m sitting in bed.

But I can imagine it would be quite hard to say,

“Help me!” or “What’s this?”

or something like, “Hey!”

Emily Madison, she huffed and she puffed,

but the only thing that even almost came out was, “MMMPPFF!”

That bird in her mouth was stuck in there good.

And the toad on her head wasn’t going anywhere, too.

So, Emily Madison thought hard as she could, and I must say, with the toad and the bird, that wasn’t easy to do!

She thought harder and harder, ’til her thinker was blue,

What could she; what couldn’t she; oh! what would she do?!

If she went off to school with this toad and this bird,

everyone there would think her simply absurd!

And really, that bird wasn’t tasting so great.

When it’s feathers tickled her nose, she gave her head a small shake,

and then, THEN…. “A-A-A-CHOOOOO!”

She sneezed. Then BOTH the bird and the toad flew!

With a PLA-PLA-PLA-PLOOEY!

Emily spit out a feather, and screamed at the top of her voice,

“Well, I NEVER!!!!!!”

Emily Madison never did quite know why

that morning that toad and that bird had stopped by.

But from that morning on, when she got tucked in at night-

She put on a hat, and she shut her mouth TIGHT!

THE END

 

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