Reasons to Brush Your Teeth

On a regular basis, I am required to remind my Rockstar’s Daughter to brush her teeth in the morning. Sadly, I understand her ire at having to complete such a task, as my mother waited until my first trip to the dentist at the age of 5, when I was told I was the proud owner of 5 whole cavities, to properly train me on the brushing of my (then) not-so-pearly whites. To further encourage the Daughter to brush daily, I have come up with a list of reasons why it is a good idea to do so. (I admit my list may not be completely of the child-friendly sort.) :

1. Because the first coffee of the day always tastes better on a fresh breath.

I do not know the reason for such a thing, only that it has been proven to be true on many a -cranky-before-coffee morn.

2. Because you don’t want people to call you Penis Breath. Or Fart Face. Or accuse you of having Dragon Breath capable of wilting a person’s face off.

You just don’t.

3. Because you never know who will want to kiss you.

I am aware that a good number of people with significant others think they know perfectly well who wants to kiss them. What they may not realize is that there may be other people admiring them from afar. Didn’t you ever see Fatal Attraction? Old Dan was perfectly happy being a married man until he realized he could have hot elevator sex with a ‘fro-d out Glenn Close. Do you think Glenn would have been so obsessed if Michael Douglas had forgotten to brush his teeth? I think not.

4. Because if you don’t, your teeth will fall out.

And taking care of dentures certainly seems like a lot more work.

And you don’t want to wake up looking like this, do you? :

 

5. Because people will talk about you and your disgusting teeth if you don’t.

Not that you should care about what other people think, unless the other “people” is me. Then you most definitely should. And I recall many many conversations my friend and I had over a coworker’s lack of oral hygiene.

6. Because no one will want to kiss you.

I am aware that I’ve mentioned this reason once before, but I find it to be of the utmost importance. And you’d be pretty fuckin’ sad if Angelina showed up with puckered lips, only to withdraw in horror at the smell of butt rot emitted from your mouth.

7. Because you don’t want to be like my old district manager.

Yes, he was pretty. In fact, his looks were the sole reason I slaved away as a Pizza Slut for over two years. (Looks DO get you things, such as a well-endowed book whore who rocks at her job). Sadly, there were many long and boring meetings spent across the table from the pretty man Boss that were only made more excruciating by d’odor du poopy. I do believe he mentioned something about a mouth fungus once, which I’m sure could have been prevented by brushing.

More Than One Reason You Should Pick Up a Book

I began thinking about this post with the intention of just rambling on pointlessly about my love of books.

But then I thought to myself, “Self, nobody cares that you love books, and anyway, the Book People already understand.”

I realized how very right my Self was.

But then I got to thinking, “What if I gave the non-Book People good and valid reasons to want to read?”

And so, here you are:

Reason #1: You will only be smarter if you read a book.

Even if it a complete disaster of a story line (ahem, Twilight) with questionable self-absorbed control-issue teen romances, you will come out the other end with just a little more knowledge than you went in with- even if it IS only finding out the difference between there, their, and they’re.  It is hoped that perhaps you might learn something a bit more challenging than third grade English, but sadly, some books are meant to entertain imbeciles.

Reason #2: You will have a conversation starter.

Just think, the next time you are waiting in a never-ending line for an open porta-potty behind a man decked out in full pirate regalia at the Renaissance Festival, instead of commenting on the size of his sword, you could mention that you just finished an amazingly entertaining book by so-and-so, and you might find that instead of thinking about his sword, this pirate may come alive with the information that he, too, just finished the same book! Perhaps you will become deeply engrossed in literary conversation, and become friends for all eternity. This also works to pick up girls, but generally only the smart ones.

Reason #3 : Money might fall out.

If you are wise enough to purchase a book at your local used-book store, you might be lucky enough to open your slightly-loved copy of Moby Dick and discover a $500 bill. More likely, it will be a oner, or maybe a five, but hey, it paid for your damn book, so shut up.

Reason #4: You may discover you harbor a secret desire to become an author, or an editor.

If you read your used book and find that you are very opinionated about how the author worded things and/or changed subjects, maybe you were meant to become a world-famous book critic instead of wasting away your days in the drive-thru at McDonald’s.

Really, you will never find yourself wishing, “Dang it, I didn’t get to watch enough T.V. this week.” But you may just be sorry if a certain redhead asks you if you’ve read a book, and you have to shamefully admit you haven’t.