I’m Goin’ To Church, Dammit!

Surprising as it may seem, I grew up in church. I believe one of the many policies of becoming a member at my childhood church was that members (ha, I said member) were to be present any and all times that the church doors were open. In a Baptist church, that is every Sunday morning for Sunday School and church, Sunday evenings for worship,  and Wednesday nights for Prayer Meetings. Yes, there were other times as well when one is expected to be there, but these three were considered the most essential.

When one grows up in this environment, and is also subject to church school where Bible class is during first period, and chapel is every Wednesday, needless to say, by the time I was 18, I was kinda burnt out on God. Forgive me if you find that to be sacreligious; let me re-phrase. I was burnt out on God in the way He was presented to me. I believe it was the very first Sunday after I had moved out of my parents and gotten my own place that I suspended my church attendance. For the next seven years.

Let me be clear, God has always been with me. He was in every person who showed me noticeable kindness throughout those years, and He understood that my maniac father had just shoved to much “religion” down my throat. Patient as He is known to be, God was just waiting until I wasn’t sick of the idea of Him anymore.

Then one day, I was looking in the local newspaper, and saw an ad : Pianist Wanted. I was ecstatic at the thought that I might actually be able to get paid to do something that I loved. I called the number and discovered the church in need was that of my Grammy and Gramps and most of my Aunties. “What good luck!” I thought. “I shall be able to get paid and also to visit my dearest family members at the same time!” Upon my stellar audition, I was of course immediately offered the job.

At the time, I was just newly married. Though he said he wanted to start going to church, for the next 3 1/2 years, my hubby only attended church with me once; when I gave a fund-raising Nutcracker concert. This didn’t really bother me too much, until I was working 80 hours a week and Sundays were my only day off. Then I began to get the mindset that if he wanted to spend time with me, the least he could do was spend an hour sitting next to me while learning about God. He stated that there were always better things to do on Sunday mornings. Like sleep.

Once I had left my heathenous marriage, I vowed that I would never again marry someone who wasn’t at least willing to attend church with me, even if only sometimes. To my surprise, only two weeks after the announcement that I had left my husband, my Rockstar decided he wanted to go with me. (To impress me). While it was an interesting time trying to explain a new man two weeks after I had left the man I’d been with for 12 years, I was greatly pleased anyway.

Since then, my Rockstar has decided my church is old and boring and completely on the way to death. He attends sometimes still, but only to amuse me. It’s true, I have moved further away from the church than when I started playing, but it also is the only time that I get to see my fam, so I continue. I’ve tried explaining this to my Rockstar, but you understand how obtuse men can be at times.

I fully understand the allure of football and NASCAR on Sunday mornings, so I respect my Rockstar’s decision to opt out of church frequently. However, I do NOT respect the fact that he is ok with having a disrespectful 10 year old who has no spiritual guidance. The first Sunday after I had moved in with them, the Child begged to go to church with me, but he wouldn’t let her. Now, she whines if they come with, because it has not been instilled in her that it’s good for her.

I’m not saying I want her to grow to become a Bible-thumping wife of a preacher and to bear offspring to become spiritual minions, no. But I find nothing wrong with raising a child to “Do unto others” and all that bullshit. He’s not teaching her at home, so I think perhaps civil people at a church would be a good influence.

I don’t know if because of the way I was raised, I now find comfort in being in church on Sunday, or if it’s the fact that every person there is thrilled that I bring to them my musical talent and fashion flair- which feeds my Histrionic Monster that’s deep inside. Either way, it’s my thing, so when my Rockstar shot me a text yesterday what a beautiful day it was to not be in church, I told him to shut the fuck up and stop pissin’ me off. I guess it really is true what they teach you in Sunday school- Raise a child up in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. They just forgot to mention what that child might do on Saturday night. 😉

Meet Gorgeous Jewish Singles!

Good evening, my Lovelys! Or rather, goodnight- as it is nearly 11 P.M. in my world. I arrived home from a gruelling day as a Pizza Hut to find this in my email Junk Box:

Meet Gorgeous Jewish Singles Now!

I applauded my inbox in rightly deciding this was Junk, as I do not recall at any point requesting information about dating Jews. Don’t get me wrong, I find Jewish people quite intriguing, what with the whole God’s Chosen and larger-than-average- schnoz aspects. I have always wondered, “Do you think God gave Jews larger noses so they didn’t get big-headed about being the Chosen ones?” Anyhoo, while I enjoy educating myself on the history and traditions of the Jewish race (Race, right?) I would like to clear up the few reasons that I would be unwilling to find myself in a relationship with a Chosen One. (Besides for the obvious reason of the existence of my Rockstar.)

1. No Christmas.

Oh, yes, I realize that there are eight crazy nights of Hannukah with menoras and dreidles and… well other Jewish things, but what about Christmas trees? And Santa Clause? And Baby Jesus? It’s just not the same putting the presents under a menora. And anyway, I cannot help but think that Jews are the grinches of the world, as it seems they wish to do away with Christmas…..No offense, my Jewish peeps.

2. Shabbath.

I suppose preparing all day to not work for a night is not such a bad idea. In the Baptist world, this is known as Sunday, but really, there’s nothing wrong with it beginning on Saturday night.

3. Adrien Brody and Adam Sandler

Yes, I know that Adrien is an Oscar winning actor who is greatly talented blah blah blah. And that Adam Sandler most certainly is not. But if these are the likes of which I’d have to choose from to procreate with if I became a Jew… well. That’s all I need to say. On the other hand, that Harry Potter kid I have a crush on is also Jewish.

4. Tasak’s Disease.

What, you ask? How does Sparklebumps know the hereditary diseases that are a risk to Jews populating the Earth everywhere? I TOLD you there were eduacational benefits to watching Eliot Stabler repeatedly! Anyhoo, chances of me creating a child with Harry Potter who has Tasak’s is very slim, since I was not born a Jew.

5. The Holocaust.

It is true that there will probably never again be such a horrid race purging as the Holocaust, but if there does happen to be, I guess that would be the one time that I would be thankful for my diluted Swedish/German roots.

Anyhoo, as you can see, there really aren’t that many reasons not to become a Jew, and as I am greatly intrigued by religions that are not my own, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to give Daniel Radcliffe a call…

If I Was God

The question has been posed numerous times throughout the history of the world concerning the “whys”  of God. Now let me ask you something- Does the being who created everything need a reason to fuck with people? I think not.

This got me to thinking. What would I do if I was God?

First of all, I would never have given humans free choice. Now, I’m not saying God made a mistake with that one, but why mess with perfection? You see what happens when people are left to their own devices. People try destroying infidels by flying planes into buildings and women tempt men into eating fruit. Perhaps I would have given free choice to people and then just blown everybody up every hundred years or so when shit got really bad…

Since I’m kind of a bitch, I’d probably strike people dead with lightening at various intervals when I was bored. After an eternity of having absolute power, I’m quite certain just sitting around watching  the idiots of the world running around like, well, idiots would be quite dull unless you were screwing with people every now and again. I’m quite certain there would be many more “natural” disasters too.

One of the things that would be completely different is that the only people I would bless with children would be the ones that wanted them in the first place. None of this “accidental pregnancy” shit. Oh, yes, I realize that “oops” pregnancies may at times change people into better beings, however, I think it more often than not ends in instances of unacceptable parenting behavior. And I REALLY really tired of seeing people who shouldn’t have kids sporting an entire brood of younglings.

I also would deem it necessary to  bring back awesome creatures like unicorns and dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are frickin’ awesome, man! After I Jurassic Park-ed the entire world,  I’d just sit back and watch to see if any kid brought a stray baby T-rex home. THAT would be interesting.

While I’m on the subject of living things, I must mention that mosquitoes would NOT be among them. Woodticks, too. I don’t think any child needs to worry themselves to death over whether they will get Lyme’s disease or West Nile like I did when I was a kid. There was an entire summer when I refused to enter the outdoors after Lyme’s disease was discovered. What a waste…. And as much as I’d like to do away with arachnids, I realize some of them prove useful, so Charlotte and her other spider friends would be safe.

I would also make sure that there were many less ugly people around. I’d keep a few here and there so the beautiful people would still have something to make fun of, but for the most part, I just don’t feel that the world benefits more from having asthetically non-pleasing people, so I’d just make sure everyone turned out gorgeous.

Because I believe in corporal punishment, and everything would be all about me if I were God, (hmm, odd that me being a non-deity doesn’t affect that fact now) unbelief and defiance would be dealt with swiftly and harshly. As in- you’d better believe, bitches, or I’ll smite you down!

Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not God…

P.S. The main thing I would do would be to make everyone love one another. Just think- if hate had never existed in the world, you wouldn’t even know what it was, so you wouldn’t even miss it.