Now It’s Blake Shelton’s Bulge…

As if Joe DiMaggio’s Penis wasn’t enough.

Let me ask you something? Do I really write about celebrity cock that much? Once again, the search terms that have led strangers to my blog door have been piling up. If you didn’t think they could get any weirder, think again. I’ve already mentioned:

Blake Shelton’s Bulge: Kudos to you, Miranda Lambert. I assume the newlywed sex you’ve been having has been quite outstanding, since Blake has a bulge and all. However, I must ask you this- Do you put a bag over his head so you don’t have to look into his buggy eyes during?

Along those lines:

Watch masturbation man: Along with Blow Dry Asshole, I believe Masturbation Man would be an excellent addition to the Sparklebump’s Superhero Justice League. Although, safety glasses may be required when watching him, since getting that stuff in your eye stings. Another great superhero would be:

Before Breakfast Stud: I believe every woman and every gay man should have one of these. Personally, I don’t eat breakfast very often, so what I really need is a Before Lunch Stud; really, though, I wouldn’t mind having both. My only question is,  does he bring you pancakes and coffee after he’s completed his studly duties? I certainly hope so.

Moving on to other search terms, but not away from sexually explicit ones:

Table Dancing Diaries: I am quite certain this would have been the title of my memoir if I had lived The Life I Didn’t Live and had moved to Vegas. With that in mind, I think they probably would have made a kid’s show based on my life called:

Super Slut Cartoon: I, for one, would find a cartoon slut extremely entertaining, wouldn’t you? But I suppose it really wouldn’t be a children’s show. It would be about a girl named Sparklebumps, and how

She would like to get fucked: because, let’s face it. If it’s based on me, you know there’s nothing I would like more.

Enough about me now. It’s time for more lovely search terms:

The real truth about Facebook sex: I will tell you the real truth. Some under-aged inexperienced guys get a big thrill out of it, (or so I’ve heard) but really, typing, “I want your dick in my pussy” isn’t the same as actually HAVING a dick in your pussy. This I know for certain.

Mom loves cock hot sex fuck: Well, this search term to me makes sense. After all, she probably wouldn’t be a mom if she liked cooch hot sex fuck. I DO understand the allure of MILFs, even if some of you don’t.

Here’s one I had to think about for a second…

fat happy carousel pussy: First of all, I hear that some guys prefer a fat pussy, (although I’m not quite sure what the definition of that is) but I could see how the up- and -down motion of a carousel could make a pussy very happy. Sadly, I think you’d have to restrain yourself somewhat if you got that kind of a thrill on an actual carousel. (The kids and stuff probably wouldn’t know what was going on.)

Hell pizza: I don’t think there really is such a thing. After all, if there were pizza in Hell, it wouldn’t be hell, now would it?

Giblet in Romeo and Juliet: Having read this play and having seen numerous productions of it as well, I can say with utter certainty that there were, in fact, no giblets mentioned in Romeo and Juliet. It would have been interesting to have the Capulets and the Montegues fighting over giblets at the party though…

And for my favorite fucked up search term of the day…

What is another word for dumbass: I am so glad that whoever entered this search term was directed to my blog, because I truly have a plethora of synonyms for Dumbass, mainly- asshat, fucktard (thank Brainrants for that one), poophead, cocksucker, Boss, fuckerbutt, assbucket, stupiddumb (that one was from junior high) and lastly, men. (Sorry, men.)

 

 

 

If I Was an Actress

I love movies, and I have, in my younger years, spent a great amount of time imagining what roles I would wish to play if ever I was to be an actress. Keep in mind that the following is strictly hypothetical; since I am now much too old to play many of the parts, and the other parts were already filled, creating wonderful movies for me to watch. Most of the parts I’d want to play come from books that were made into movies. (Because I’m a book freak like that.)

Juliet- from Romeo and Juliet: What better part to play than a girl who kills herself for love? I think it’s very romantic. And in the Baz Luhrman production, Claire Danes bugged the shit out of me.

Beth- from Little Women: When I was younger, I was incredibly shy (Yes, I’m quite aware how things change) and Beth was the shy sister, so I believe I could have played that part well. Technically, I DID play Beth in my high school’s version of Little Women; and I was very upset in the play version when Beth didn’t actually die in her last scene. I tried to convince the director to change the script, but to no avail. Oddly enough, this is a part Ms. Danes ALSO played in a movie. Because of my non-shyness now, however, I believe I would be able to better do justice to the part of Jo.

Lady Chatterly- from Lady Chatterly’s Lover: because she was kind of a slut.

Eustacia Vye- from Return of the Native: she was a gorgeous woman who made multiple men fall completely in love with her, and she ended up marrying one of them who promised to take her away from the life she hated, only to have him go blind before that happened. I’m quite aware that I would never have gotten cast in this part because of the whole “gorgeous” thing, so it’s good Catherine Zeta-Jones already played it.

The Joker- from Dark Knight: Yes, I’m quite aware this is a man’s part, and Heath Ledger did an excellent job (God rest his soul), but I think I could have given him a run for his money.

Rose- from Titanic: Who WOULDN’T want to be part of the biggest movie of the century? I think Kate Winslet was ravishing as Rose; however it is my own opinion that Leonardo Dicaprio  should have been the one nominated for the Oscar.

Marianne Dashwood- from Sense and Sensibility: A woman in love with love. A woman after my own heart. Also played by Kate Winslet.

Marilyn Monroe- in an Marilyn movies: there are many to choose from, unfortuneately, it seems they are all being made BEFORE I am discovered.

Lisa- from Girl Interrupted: Don’t get me wrong. Angelina was awesome in this movie. (Yes, I am biased) But I could have been too.

Rain Man– Here is my question? Why do actors and actresses always win Oscars for playing crazy or retarded parts? I honestly think these would be the easiest parts to play. (Perhaps that is because for me, it wouldn’t really be acting…)

Tina Turner- from What’s Love Got To Do With It?: I am not black, and I do not think a white girl in black face would have had the same affect.

Blanche Dubois- from A Streetcar Named Desire: I pretend to be a high-class lady all the time.

Becky Bloomwood- from Confessions of A Shopoholic: this movie is about my life.

Mallory Knox- from Natural Born Killers: again- playing a crazy woman would be a breeze.

Cruella De Ville- because she’s awesome.

Mary Poppins- she, also, was awesome. And kinda mean.

Randle McMurphy- from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest: because he was frickin’ hilarious. I suppose when I think about it, I could have played Nurse Ratched instead…

Anything featuring Chris Meloni- I would even do it for free just to be near him.

So there you have it, my Lovelys. My film career if I had ever had one.

 

 

 

New Height

While creating a lovely updo for my trip to see my favorite play of all time Romeo and Juliet, I realized that I could add about 10 inches to my height. 6″ for the heels. 4″ for the hair. I am now tall enough to attempt modeling…

Let Love in.

If anybody was to ask me “What is the most important Thing in life?”, I would without a moment’s hesitation blurt out ,”LOVE!” Now, hold on, I know what you’re thinking. What an unoriginal,simple-minded, idealistic response, right? I agree with you. But think about it. Did the Beatles sing, “All You Need is Money”? I think not. Did Romeo spout to Juliet,”The more poetry I give to thee,the more I have”? Nope. After they had their romp in the back of that Model T, did Rose say to Jack, “Thanks, dude. That was a great fuck. Do you have a cigarette?” No. She said, “I love you, Jack.” (I personally think the first quote would have been MUCH more interesting.) My point is- yes, it is completely unreasonable to say that Love is all there is, but that’s the thing about Love. It’s not about being practical,it makes you do things you never thought you would- good AND bad-, and you can’t choose it.
La dee da. Now that I have done some great writing, (wink, wink)I will proceed into the detail of my very own fucked-up love life. A week after my 16th birthday, I was hired as a waitress at a mom-n-pop restaurant, where the Son of mom-n-pop proceeded to fall in love with me. I admit,at first I was skeptical, as he was 7 years my senior and my Jesus-obsessed father had drilled into my head that boys only want one thing. Two years later,I started dating The Son. I had promised myself I wouldn’t have sex with him at least until he said he loved me, which he did about 3 months into the relationship. We ended up not having sex until I was 21. When I was 24, I decided I wanted to be married, so we got hitched. I believe, looking back now, the main reason I wanted to get married was to keep my religious parents from cringing at me every time they saw me when they thought of The Son and I living in sin together. Don’t get me wrong. I did love him and I always will.
During the next 2 years, we proceeded into married life like a good couple. We got our first house, my husband had back surgery, and the number of times we had sex in a year diminished to 5 or so. This is where the fucked-up part comes in.
Now, The Son’s brother had had a friend who we would hang out with occasionally (we will call him the Redhead).In the back of my mind, there had always been something about the Redhead that was electrifying, and he was truly nice, that being the reason I (being a good friend)set him up with my bestie, which ended up with her screaming at me drunkenly after I had had a passionate makeout session with him (also drunken). Anyhoo, after that Me and Bestie made up and the Redhead was never heard from again.
Back to the marriage. After 2 yrs of marriage and 9 months without sex or feeling wanted, you can imagine the horniness that had come over me. At the time, I was just learning the mechanics of Facebook, and to my surprise, there was a friendship request from the Redhead! Well, hello there! We began chatting one night when I was left home alone (which happened ALOT) and had a nice conversation about love and sex. Sex is not love, and at the time, the phrase “making love” confounded me. I mentioned the lackage of boomboom going on in my life and that passionate makeout session came to my mind, making me wonder what MORE than that would be like. He became my Fuck Buddy, which worked out very well for both of us, since I was married and he was too lazy to go get a girlfriend. Now you may be thinking, “what a cheating whore,” but the love I had for my husband was pure and everything was right with us except the sex.(or lack thereof.)So don’t judge me. After a few months of messin’ around, I decided it was shitty of me to do that to my husband, so I left him. I realized that I wasn’t happy with him, OR myself with him, and nothing was ever going to change.My hubby really and truly loved me because after he found out about the cheating, he still wanted me to come home. I didn’t choose sex over love. My Redheaded Fuck Buddy gave me a place to stay while I looked for a new home, and I realized I really truly liked him. He was willing to remain my Fuck Buddy and let me galavant around with whomever I chose, but I was never really into one-night stands. We became official when he sent me a text: “I want you to only cling to me.” And that is how I got my Rockstar. Things aren’t perfect and sometimes Love is fucked up, but I do not regret the things I have done, and I will always do whatever I do for Love.