“Lieb”-erate Me

 

 

Jonas Lee over in his Imaginarium has nominated me for a Liebster Award. Since I’m generally awesome (or so people seem to think), this is not the first of such an award. Actually, I just checked, and I was nominated here, here, here, and here. Wow. I’m starting to feel a little like the literary Meryl Streep here…. Anyhoo, I must say that Jonas is pretty amazing, because he responds to my comments in a timely fashion, and I just realized that his name is actually Jonas. (Dude, I’ve been reading your blog for awhile, but it kinda just clicked now. You have an awesome name!)

Since I have received this award before, I’m beginning to run out of interesting facts to mention about myself, so I have taken the liberty of copying Jonas’ (so cool!!!!!) 11 facts about himself and editing them to fit my self. Here they are:

11 Facts:

1. I hold no Bachelor’s degree, or Master’s either. While I believe that, in some ways, further education might benefit me, I find that I am a little bit smarter and a damn bit funnier than those who suffer from such an education. That, and I don’t want school loan sharks hounding me. I already have Victoria’s Secret on my back about a little $2800 deficit.
2. I panic when anything flies near my face. Insects, rocks, baseballs…. you get the picture. The only exception is penis, because I usually initiate such things.
3. While Jonas can quote the entire movie “Clue”, I can quote the entire movie “Clueless”. A much more useful feat.
4. I, too, am super stubborn.
5. Green Lantern is NOT my favorite super hero. Unless it’s Ryan Reynolds, because he is beautiful. But Mystique is pretty frickin’ awesome. I suppose she may be considered a super villain though…
6. I would take sex over a philosophical debate anytime.
7. I am right handed, but my left boob is bigger than my right, and my left hip is going out. Fuckin’ A.
8. I almost named my daughter Ophelia. But then I remembered that I don’t have a daughter.
9. French fries magically disappear around me. As do Doritos, cheese, ramen noodles, candy… really, anything that can be put in my mouth. (Yes, that was meant to sound dirty.)
10. I,too, have astigmatism in both eyes. And have a nasty habit of wearing my contacts for four months longer than I should.
11. As a child, I never wanted to be a garbage man, but I did think being a lion would have been an excellent career choice.

Now I will answer the questions asked of me.

My 11 Questions:

1. You are able to scratch one thing off your bucket list, no matter what it entails. What is it?

I suppose I would choose to be a model in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, because that seems like the most unlikely thing to happen from my Honey-Do List. Because I’m short, not because I’m chubby.

2. You can listen to any band/artist (live) in their time period. Who would you want to see?

Iron Maiden!!!!! Because I want to see Eddie! And because if I see them in concert now, it would kind of be like watching my Grampa on stage.

3. If you could collaborate with any artist/author/professional on a project, who would you choose?

My first choice would have been Maya Angelou, but since she decided to die before I met her, I will have to go with #2. Dolly Parton. Because the woman is brilliant. And adorably nice.

4. Would you rather live in a zombie apocalypse (Walking Dead) or an electronic apocalypse (Revolution)?

A zombie apocalypse.

5. Why to number 4?

Because who would be able to survive if we were in an electronic apocalypse and I couldn’t write on my blog?! Too, any excuse to chop people’s heads off is a good thing, even if they ARE already dead.

6. Pop Tarts or Toaster Strudel?

Toaster Strudel, because they are so flakily delicious.

7. Favorite smell?

Raw onions. And horses. Don’t judge me.

8. You can have one super power. What would you choose?

The power of seduction.

9.What is your worst habit?

Acting as though the world revolves around me. It isn’t my fault….it’s my histrionic personality.

10. What do you find to be your best quality (physically or mentally)?

My boobs and my ability to understand why idiots are idiots.

11. What keeps you from having your dreams come true?

Nothing can stop me! Except shiny things. And mermaids. And pretty men and women that smell nice.

I’m sorry, Jonas, (Jonas!! I had to say it twice!) but it is a well-known fact that I do not follow all the rules of Liebster-dom, and so I cannot ask question of people I do not post links to. Suffice to say that anyone who comments on my blog is very wise, and should be paid attention to.

The End

 

9 Things All Kids Should Be Taught

Perhaps this is pompous of me, writing such a list when I clearly do not own any children. But after having waited on a plethora of teens in the last few weeks at  my job, I feel it necessary to produce a guide for parents, because they are evidently clueless. Why 9, you ask? Well, I was going to do ten, but we all know how I feel about even numbers.

1. Leave a fucking tip.

Yes, I am aware that teens have real lives that are crammed with tests and hormones and peer pressures,  and so cannot be bothered with minute details such as tipping their server, or hell, even acknowledging them. But you fucking know what, you self-absorbed little assholes?! That person who listened to you closely enough to get your order right, and brought it out to you, and refilled your drinks, and cleared your shitty messy dishes away has a life too, and is NOT your mother, and so isn’t expected to wait on you hand and foot for free just because you haven’t had the decency to learn respect, and haven’t yet reached the age of twenty.

To the parents of such asshats- shame on you, and you should be caned daily until you feel remorse for not having taught your kids basic decency.

2. Chew with your goddamn mouth closed.

You are not a dog, so you do not have molars that, when in use, prohibit you from shutting your fucking mouth while you eat. So parents, teach your kids not to sound like canines when they eat, unless you want me to treat them as such.

3. Pick up your clothes, you ungrateful cretins.

If your mother, (or father) has the decency to buy you bodily protection from the elements, and to wash them, the least you could do is put them in the fucking laundry basket. And hang up your towel.

4. “Please” is not really optional.

Why the fuck would anyone do a damn thing for you if you can’t even be bothered to include this simple word before or after your request? Do it your damn self.

5.”Thank you” is not really optional either.

Yes, I bought you beer even though your are underage just so you could get up the courage to try and get that skinny blonde bitch to take your virginity. The least you could do is thank me.

6. Save your money.

If you spend all of your hard-earned McDonald’s check buying booze and paying for fake I.D.s, you’re going to have to ask your parents for money. Parents, you don’t really want that, now do you? And for the record, spending $58 on yoga pants from Victoria’s Secret is not wise. Your ass looks just as good in the $11 ones from Target

7. Stop interrupting.

If the adults in your life are having a conversation that doesn’t include you, it’s because they are talking about something of which you have no idea about. So just shut the fuck up until they’re done. There are plenty of times when they WILL want to talk to you, and instead of being a little shithead and saying, “Mom, I gotta go,” remember there was a time when you actually wanted your parents to talk to you.

8. You don’t know everything.

Yes, I’m well aware that teenagers are superior when it comes to wisdom, until they turn about 28. Just remember that all those things you’re going through, or will go through, or are just finding out about, are all things that someone older than you already experienced. So instead of poo-pooing their advice, listen just a little bit, even if you have to pretend you’re uninterested.

9. No one owes you anything.

So quit acting like they do.

Rules For Loving Me

 

Since I am the Queen of my World, it would make sense for there to be rules for my Lovely subjects to follow in regards to loving me. More specifically, there should be rules for that special person who just happens to be my significant other. I would post these on the fridge if I actually thought they’d get followed…

#1. My Beloved is required to eat french fries of his own making with me at least once a week. (My Rockstar is actually pretty good about this one. Mainly because he is too lazy to cook something other than fried food most of the time.)

#2. My Beloved is required to wash ALL dishes that find themselves dirtied in the sink. In exchange, he shall be rewarded with a complete body rub with my extremely soft hands that are unsullied from numerous dish washings.

#3. My Beloved is required to engage in sexually explicit acts quad-weekly or more with the Queen. In exchange, he shall be rewarded with earth-shattering orgasms.

#4. While the Queen is not against doing her own laundry, it would be much preferred if her Beloved put away his own skivvies and other assorted bodily coverings.

#5. Hand holding, ass groping, booby squeezing, and other assorted acts of physical affection are required to keep one’s place as the Queen’s Beloved.

#6. It is not necessary to accompany the Queen every Sunday to her piano playing gig at church. However, an occasional appearance is required in order to keep the old peoples from feeling pity for the Queen continuously having to sit alone.

#7. The Queen likes to stay home alot. Yet the Queen’s Beloved is required to understand that a date or outing is necessary on occasion in order to satisfy the Queen’s boredom.

#8. The Queen, like any other royal personage, suffers from histrionic personality disorder. Therefore, her Beloved must realize her need for attention is highly magnified, and must act accordingly.

#9. A Royal Spanking must be administered to the Queen now and then to make sure her masochistic urges are satisfied. This may also be accompanied by a Bite to the Ass, or Forced Deep-Throating. For this she thanks you.

#10. The Queen must be allowed to choose Travelling Music when riding along on car trips. No groaning or negative commenting on her choice of music or questionable singing skills is allowed.

#11. “You bought another pair of shoes?” is a comment that is punishable by beheading, or some other equally disgusting punishment, such as No Sex.

#12. Chocolate Caramel Coffee Creamer must be supplied to the Queen daily. If it is used up, her Beloved is required to buy more.

#13. The Queen is required to drive a fuschia-colored Boss Mustang. If she cannot afford one, one must be provided for her.

#14. The Queen’s Library will forever be added to. Sufficient bookshelf space must be accomadated.

#15. When the Queen decides to cook dinner for her Beloved,  the eating of said dinner must be accompanied by ,”MMM, this is good”s, and/or “may I have some more?”s. Also, if she is wearing nothing but and apron and heels, this must be acknowledged.

These seem to be relatively reasonable rules, I say. Who wouldn’t want to be my loyal subject, I ask you? 😉