Celebrity Showdown: Salma Hayek VS. Penelope Cruz

So we all know that Salma Hayek is (crudely stated) “super hot”. It is also known that Penelope Cruz is also “uber sexy”. True, there are many other equally inviting Hispanic actresses out there, but none that have acquired such American fame as these. Even though these women are great friends, today, we shall pit these two ravishing dark-haired beauties against each other to see which one comes out on top. (Technically, Penelope  already played a Woman on Top, but nevermind about that.)

Salma Hayek has showed her boobies in Desperado.

Penelope showed her boobies in… well, too many movies to list.

Salma’s boobies are nicer.

1 point to Salma.

Penelope Cruz has a beauteous face.

As does Salma Hayek.

Penelope’s face is prettier.

1 point to Penelope.

Penelope has a habit of playing mysterious, sensuous characters in her movies.

Salma played a drug lord in Savages and a vampire in From Dusk Til Dawn.

This is a tie, because there is no way to gauge how a plethora of enigmatic roles measures up against a drug lord and a vampire stripper. No points are awarded.

Salma played Frida Kahlo, my favorite artist.

Penelope played no real life person I admire.

1 point for Salma.

Penelope played the exact same character in two movies- Open Your Eyes and the American version, Vanilla Sky.

Salma has done no such thing.

1 point for Penelope.

Penelope is married to Javier Bardem, who is sexy in a creepy sorta way.

Salma is married to some French guy. (Who is not sexy.)

1 point for Penelope.

Salma has directed a video for Prince (who is awesome and from Minnesota.)

Penelope has no reknown Minnesotan friends.

1 point for Salma.

Salma also has been credited with three singing performances on films.

Penelope is apparently a mute Spanish bird.

1 point for Salma.

Penelope won an Oscar for her performance in Volver.

Salma has no golden statue.

1 point for Penelope.

Salma is dyslexic.

Penelope knows four languages.

No points are awarded at this time, because we cannot discriminate or show favoritism to either party.

Salma is an spokeswoman for aids.

Penelope likes to help stray cats.

1 point for Salma.

Salma has been voted one of People‘s 50 most beautiful people three times.

Penelope has been voted so only once.

1 point for Salma.

Salma has done the voice over work for an animated cat in Puss in Boots.

Penelope has had the most memorable line in a movie concerning cats from Vanilla Sky: “In another life, when we are both cats.”

1 point for Penelope. (Point so awarded because I have used said line on several occasions.)

My Rockstar is secretly in love with Penelope Cruz because of her sexy love scenes.

He does not even know who Salma Hayek is.

1 point for Penelope.

We have come to the conclusion of the celebrity showdown, and as sad as I am to say that there are no amazingly- hot Spaniard-like women lying in front of me in need of medical attention I would willingly give them, I am happy to announce that the points have been tallied. Oddly enough, both Salma and Penelope have accrued an equal amount of points, so this celebrity showdown has been a complete waste of time, and I have come to the realization that each person must make their own decision on the level of these women’s hotness based off of their own personal preference. There you have it.

 

My New Goal: A Superbowl Commercial

Yes, yes, we all know it was the most important day of the year yesterday- Superbowl Sunday. I must admit, the only reason I know it was was because I spent the entire day cracking the whip to ensure that every person who ordered pizza received it in enough time to properly digest before having to suffer through Beyoncé’s “entertainment”. Luckily (?), I made it home in enough time to see the much-talked-about Farmer commercial. (Which would have been soooo much better if it had been for Ford.) This got me wondering: can a person advertise herself?

When I thought about it, the only individuals I could come up with that may perhaps “advertise” themselves were prostitutes and escorts. (Unless you are counting all those people on dating sites) But then I got to thinking, “Why COULDN’T one advertise oneself?”  I suppose normal boring people mightn’t have much to advertise, but what about all the awesome people? Isn’t advertising for general awesomeness allowed? After all, that’s all any commercial really does.

While I began this blog just to blurb about whatever it was I was thinking about, I cannot deny that every time I find I’ve acquired another follower, I do a little happy dance. (Which you all must know makes the girls jiggle.) And since I wish to be a famous author the likes of which have never been seen before, what better way to get the word out than to show up somewhere between the Ravens and the 49’ers?

(I realize I’d actually have to finish a book, but nevermind about that.)

Here’s what I was thinking:

The commercial would start out focusing on a fabulous pair of Swarovski-encrusted stilettos, and pan up to reveal a pair of sexily-muscled gams connected to the feet in the shoes. They are the legs of a uber-hot model, or perhaps a Salma Hayek-type. She sashays past a park bench with a dorky yet slightly adorable man sitting reading a book. Suddenly, she stops sashaying and does a double take- what is that he’s reading there?! Why, it’s a Sparklebumps book! Suddenly, the nerdy dude is amazingly sexy, and the hot woman cannot resist sitting down next to him and fawning desperately over him. Then the words pop up- “Only the sexiest people read Sparklebumps. Be one today! ” And then that guy with the movie preview voice starts talking: Her latest publication is in bookstores everywhere. Buy it today!

Yeah, now there’s a commercial for ya.

Geico’s got the gecko and the  “weeeee!!!!!!!!” pig, why couldn’t I have a Salma Hayek?