Elliot Sta-ate of Mind

This is my 5th or 6th post about the fucked up search terms people type in and end up finding my blog with. I’m greatly disturbed to inform you that “Blake Shelton’s bulge” remains the most popular one. As I was writing this post on paper, (I sometimes do that) I realized I had a theme going, as evidenced by the title of today’s post. You’ll see…

Elliot Stabler naked: I think this may have been on my last search term post, but it is worthy of mentioning again, I think. All I have to say is- if Elliot Stabler were naked on my blog, you wouldn’t be reading the highly entertaining posts I type, as my fingers would be… otherwise engaged.

My dearest my loins burn for you: This seems the appropriate response I would have if ever I WERE to see Elliot Stabler naked and in person. I am also greatly flattered that whoever typed this search term in was directed to my site. I assure you the burning in their loins is due to my hilarious wit, and NOT gonner  gheonne gonnerh  fuck it. Herpes.

shameful public pants: zoobas, anyone? Some may also find my pants shamefully wet if ever I saw Elliot Stabler naked in public.

passing around a bottle of jack: I’m game. Especially if a naked Elliot Stabler is involved.

Are you sick of my Elliot obsession yet? You will be.

her heart began to beat faster: I bet she saw Elliot Stabler naked.

behaved women fucking: I’m quite certain a naked Elliot Stabler can make the most demure of women think twice about her morals.

girl receives a gift in dildo porn: Was it an Elliot Stabler replica, I wonder? That would be worth searching for.

deflowered girl porn: I’m not interested. Unless Elliot Stabler is involved, that is.

Aright, enough about him. On to the weird and unique.

Boobs rock: I agree. Especially mine. You agree too. Just admit it.

Fish boner capital punishment: Do fish have penises? I must admit that this is a biology question I don’t know the answer to. But I suppose if someone’s fucked-up self looks up “fish boners”, they must exist. Now the question is, are they using the fish boners to administer the capital punishment, or are they capitally punishing the fish boners?

Sex story of my mother with a sex thief: I suppose that if it was a theif stealing the sex, my mother would have had no choice in the matter. I do not care to think on that subject any longer.

I am Joe’s penis: Well, la dee da. You must be so proud. Were ya been, Joe’s penis? Oh wait, I don’t wanna know. I however, am NOT Joe’s penis, so I’m confused as to why this searching person was directed to my blog. Although, if I were to have a penis, I’d prolly call him Joe.

Talk dirty to me in Farsi: Please do! Not that I’ll have a clue what you are saying, but it will make me giggle and blush all the same. Shit, I was flustered when one of my cooks at work said, “How you doin’?” in his sexy voice to me last night. He found that highly amusing.

histrionic in love with older knight: This is the story of my life. My older knight weilds his guitar (and the sword within his pants) with extreme precision. Of course I’m going to love him…

I’ve included several eye candy pictures to make your day brighter. XOXO

A Search Term Story

Instead of dragging you all down with my normal sarcastic responses to the fucked up search terms that bring people my way, I’ve decided to insert them all into a delightful tale that is sure to entertain you all for generations. The search terms will be capitalized and in bold print, so that you will know what my creative mind had to work with. Enjoy! XOXO

Once upon a time, there was a Rockstar who FELL IN LOVE WITH A HISTRIONIC NYMPHO named Sparklebumps. She caught his attention one day when she walked by him on the street and said, “LOOK AT MY FAT ASS!”

He didn’t know how to respond, except to say, “It doesn’t look like PRINCESS LEIA’S ASS IN THE GOLD BIKINI.”

Sparklebumps snorted and said, “Well, you don’t have a CHRIS MELONI BUTT either.”

The Rockstar shrugged and said, “No, but I have a HISTIONIC PENIS that needs alot of attention.”

That was all Sparklebumps needed to hear. She grabbed his SUPERHERO BULGE and whispered sexily into his ear, “Are you ready for the ride of your life, you HORNY HAIRY ASS FUCK ?”

The Rockstar was so turned on by her dirty talk that he wanted to do her right that second, but she pushed him away and said, “Wait, wait! I NEVER WEAR EYESHADOW when I do men. I used to, but when I do, I magically turn into a superhero called BLUE EYESHADOW GIRL .” So she washed her makeup off.

Before they got down to business, Sparklebumps put her hand on the Rockstar’s chest to stop him and asked, “I’m not going to get REBECCA STAMOS X-MEN CROTCH from you, am I?”

Rockstar was confused. “What the heck is that?!”

“It’s the newest STD. Your cootch gets scaly and turns blue.”

The Rockstar waved nonchalantly. “Nah. I’ve only fucked SLUTS IN TRUCKS and they only have diseases like herpes and stuff.”

“Oh. Ok. then.” Sparklebumps the proceeded to administer her a speciality, a CHRIS MELONI BLOWJOB. (That’s a blowjob given with all the enthusiasm usually reserved for good ole’ Chris.)

The Rockstar screamed, “Oh! Oh my! Aaaaah!” when he blew his load, because he was trying to cover up the fact that he normally squealed when he came. Sparklebumps was surprised at his SUPERFICIAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS but she was so tired that she fell asleep immediately.

The next morning, the Rockstar woke her up and handed her a sparkly bag.

“What’s this?” Sparklebumps asked sleepily.

“Oh, I give all my WOMEN BITCHES MORNING AFTER GIFTBAGS. I do have to say though, your ass looked pretty damn good in them yoga pants, and you are frickin’ amazing in bed.”

Sparklebumps smiled.

“EVERYONE CHECKS OUT MY ASS IN YOGA PANTS , but as far as amazing- I WAS TOLD I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO WORK at the Bunny Ranch.”

“Well, I disagree. But anyhoo, do you wanna be in my band? It’s called LEMONPARTY THEMACUSER and we write IRANIAN RACIAL EPITHETS .”

“Yeah, man, I’ll be in your band!. I have a great idea for an album title. What do you think about ‘POKING EYES OUT: THE SOCKET DREAM ?’ We can put a phot of my tits on the cover and that would make perfect sense!”

“Awesome! We can sing about the WOMEN WE’VE FUCKED AND MUSTANGS and our lyrics will make people ask themselves, ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO A SLUT ?'”

So LEMONPARTY THEMACUSER hit #1 on the Billboard charts with their hit single, “TEAM DRIVER SUCKBUDDY ” and Sparklebumps mentored an all-girl band named the CHRIS MELONI SEVEN who opened for them on tour.

After making billions, Sparklebumps and her Rockstar bought a castle where they lived happily ever after, and the HISTRIONIC PENIS got more than enough attention.

THE END

 

Now It’s Blake Shelton’s Bulge…

As if Joe DiMaggio’s Penis wasn’t enough.

Let me ask you something? Do I really write about celebrity cock that much? Once again, the search terms that have led strangers to my blog door have been piling up. If you didn’t think they could get any weirder, think again. I’ve already mentioned:

Blake Shelton’s Bulge: Kudos to you, Miranda Lambert. I assume the newlywed sex you’ve been having has been quite outstanding, since Blake has a bulge and all. However, I must ask you this- Do you put a bag over his head so you don’t have to look into his buggy eyes during?

Along those lines:

Watch masturbation man: Along with Blow Dry Asshole, I believe Masturbation Man would be an excellent addition to the Sparklebump’s Superhero Justice League. Although, safety glasses may be required when watching him, since getting that stuff in your eye stings. Another great superhero would be:

Before Breakfast Stud: I believe every woman and every gay man should have one of these. Personally, I don’t eat breakfast very often, so what I really need is a Before Lunch Stud; really, though, I wouldn’t mind having both. My only question is,  does he bring you pancakes and coffee after he’s completed his studly duties? I certainly hope so.

Moving on to other search terms, but not away from sexually explicit ones:

Table Dancing Diaries: I am quite certain this would have been the title of my memoir if I had lived The Life I Didn’t Live and had moved to Vegas. With that in mind, I think they probably would have made a kid’s show based on my life called:

Super Slut Cartoon: I, for one, would find a cartoon slut extremely entertaining, wouldn’t you? But I suppose it really wouldn’t be a children’s show. It would be about a girl named Sparklebumps, and how

She would like to get fucked: because, let’s face it. If it’s based on me, you know there’s nothing I would like more.

Enough about me now. It’s time for more lovely search terms:

The real truth about Facebook sex: I will tell you the real truth. Some under-aged inexperienced guys get a big thrill out of it, (or so I’ve heard) but really, typing, “I want your dick in my pussy” isn’t the same as actually HAVING a dick in your pussy. This I know for certain.

Mom loves cock hot sex fuck: Well, this search term to me makes sense. After all, she probably wouldn’t be a mom if she liked cooch hot sex fuck. I DO understand the allure of MILFs, even if some of you don’t.

Here’s one I had to think about for a second…

fat happy carousel pussy: First of all, I hear that some guys prefer a fat pussy, (although I’m not quite sure what the definition of that is) but I could see how the up- and -down motion of a carousel could make a pussy very happy. Sadly, I think you’d have to restrain yourself somewhat if you got that kind of a thrill on an actual carousel. (The kids and stuff probably wouldn’t know what was going on.)

Hell pizza: I don’t think there really is such a thing. After all, if there were pizza in Hell, it wouldn’t be hell, now would it?

Giblet in Romeo and Juliet: Having read this play and having seen numerous productions of it as well, I can say with utter certainty that there were, in fact, no giblets mentioned in Romeo and Juliet. It would have been interesting to have the Capulets and the Montegues fighting over giblets at the party though…

And for my favorite fucked up search term of the day…

What is another word for dumbass: I am so glad that whoever entered this search term was directed to my blog, because I truly have a plethora of synonyms for Dumbass, mainly- asshat, fucktard (thank Brainrants for that one), poophead, cocksucker, Boss, fuckerbutt, assbucket, stupiddumb (that one was from junior high) and lastly, men. (Sorry, men.)

 

 

 

It DOES Get Worse (Otherwise Entitled : Search Terms 4)

You guys have to let me know if this is getting old. I myself am still greatly disturbed by the fucked up search terms people use to get to my blog:

Anatomically correct young girl dolls: My question is- Are these dolls used for educational purposes only? I certainly hope so.

My wife Christmas sex present: If sex is what your wife is planning on giving you for Christmas, Dude, I say “Congrats”. Although this does make me wonder is she gives it to you the rest of the year. If YOU were the one planning on giving the sex, you may want to at least put a bow on your dick; otherwise she’s going to think that you didn’t put much thought into it. (You’re welcome, Dude’s Lady) On the other hand, if you were looking to receive my services as a gift from your wife, I will need a current picture of you and a credit card number from your Black Amex. And french fries.

Disney princess is a whore: I wonder what gave them a clue. The fact that Belle moved in with a guy (or a beast if you want to look at it in an even worse light) after just meeting him, Jasmine’s harem outfit, or the fact that Snow White lived with 7 guys at once? I’m sorry, I cannot say anything bad about Ariel. (She is my favorite.)

Fat woman shitting, tubes: I just don’t even know what to say to this…  *shiver*

Cute girls fucked: This read like an advertisement, don’t you think? “Cute girls fucked here! Only seven dolla!” Ok, in all honesty, there is no pictures of cute girls getting fucked on my blog, but come on…. I talk about getting fucked all the time. There has to be a connection.

What Santa thinks I’m naughty or mean: Although the wording makes no sense to me (anyone else?) I am quite certain if Santa could see into the depths of my soul, he would be greatly disturbed to find a half-smoked cigar, numerous alcohol bottles (empty of course), a little white lie or two, and girl-on-girl porn. I think it depends on who you ask whether those things are naughty…

Santa cartoon porn: I hate to disappoint whoever was led to my blog looking for nudeys of Santa. However, if this exists, it may be the leverage I need to get what I want from St. Nick.

Slightly Less Creepy Search Terms

Just when I thought I’d never have any more search terms to write about, there happened to be enough to do a third installment. There are not as sick and twisted (mostly) but some are very funny:

Paint his toenails: OK, I know this isn’t that weird, but it IS a habit I believe every girlfriend should develop. If he won’t let you, do it while he’s sleeping.

Dear Santa, got treats: Yes, I do. However, I do not think my Rockstar would wish me to allow Santa to motorboat on my “treats”.

Blow dry asshole: I realize this is in reference to the post I did about my Rockstar’s strange grooming habit, but when you read it like this, it sounds like a strange and wonderful new super hero- “DA da da DAAA! It’s the Blow Dry Asshole! Be careful, Villians! He’s going to… blow dry you!” That one needs pictures..

Stephanie Meyer shame: I think this is a new phrase I should patent and give to anyone rude enough to write horrid books that make lots of moneys.

I’m really sorry to hear about your job termination: Yes, I was too. But I’m over it now. I wonder if their sales are down immensely yet…

Meloni sex: this could be the term I use when I’m imagining Chris during… oh, nevermind.

Sparkle teen model my fruits: I’m not quite sure what to say to this one. I don’t really want to know WHO’S fruits they are.

Has Taylor Swift lost her virginity: There’s no way to know for sure, but do you really think she’d be so angry at that Jonas boy otherwise?

Book road at rainbow’s end: this sounds like it could either be the next installment of Pirate’s of the Carribbean, or a perfect name for my used bookstore.

Tube porn babysex: of course I couldn’t end with at least ONE completely fucked up search term. To this, all I have to say is, “You sick fucker.”