An Apology to my Neighbors

Dear friendly neighbors,

I compose this letter today in the hopes that we can still be amiable aquaintances. While I have done nothing to openly displease you, it is, perhaps, safe to say that one or some of you may be slightly vexed in my general direction.

I apologize for spending five hours outside bent over my garden in my swimsuit.

Were it not the fact that, by some anyway, I would be considered pudgy or stout, I would not be issuing such an apology today. However, upon reflection of my own judgemental thoughts when faced with the excessive flesh exposure of some portly women in the summertime, I felt the need to ask pardon.

I, too, will explain why I have so blatantly bared my ASSets.

I have a problem with tan lines. Like, (and I’m sorry to revert back into a thirteen-year-old girl here, but) omg, batman! Tan lines drive me CRACRA!!!!!!! #insane. Due to having this past weekend off, I have already suffered the injustice of tan lines. My only option is to bare as much of my skin as possible in order to attempt a fading of such horrid atrocities. Thus, the semi-nakedness.

There is always the hope that the men amongst you are closeted chubby-chasers. If this happens to be true, then my apology is to the wives, who may have found their husbands open-mouthed and ogling, and finding reasons to venture outside- maybe feigning getting the mail- in order to get a closer look at my superfluous boobies that so stubbornly kept refusing to stay attired. Here’s the thing: it’s nigh impossible to find a swimmy that fits bosoms of such extent sufficiently. So pay no attention to the fact that I was adjusting and re-adjusting so as not to completely flash the whole neighborhood. Though I’m certain the men didn’t mind.

There is the fleeting thought that perhaps no one noticed me at all. That thought quickly dispersed, however, when I remember how viciously my Rockstar and I verbally gossip about you all when we see you puttering around your yards. Think nothing of it, it’s just something we do.

I cannot promise that I will never again assault your eyes with the sight of my husky thighs, (ha, that rhymed!) but I do hope you all may learn to ignore them. Or in the least, not tell everybody that there’s an almost naked girl outside, because it certainly seemed like A LOT of cars were driving by yesterday. Multiple times.

The girl next door,

Sparklebumps

P.S. I do not apologize for walking around inside my house naked with the blinds open. It’s my house. I can do what I want.

 

 

The Definition of Me

So, I always check out the blogs of my new followers, and today it happened to be conchsaladesque. One of her posts today she got from looking her name up on the Urban Dictionary. I must admit, Urban Dictionary is one of my fave websites, and I really couldn’t live without it. And so, to steal an idea from one of my new followers, I looked up my name in the Urban Dictionary; it seems they agree with my general awesomeness:

Def.1 Dangerously attractive and intelligent. A real femefatale and master of seducing men. All men want her and all men get eaten by her.

Def.2 An amazing,smart,sexy,intelligent,gorgeous girl. Beautiful face; often referred to as “goddess”,”master” or “my queen”

Def.3 She likes muffins.  (I am assuming this means in the slang tense of “muffins”. Since Urban Dictionary is not exactly wholesome)

Def.4 the coolest girl ever, some one that’s not like the rest, a great friend, some one I’m glad i met. Some one that would sit and play Zelda with, some one that makes me smile when i see her the moment I walk into the room. she may not be my girl friend but she’s a hell of a lot better than you

Def.7 A very beautiful woman that is sexy at all times and knows just how to get you horny quick. And knows how to talk dirty to you. (I DO know how to get you horny quick 😉 )

Def.8 One who regularly goes to parties in space with David Bowie. Sometimes known to offer him her jumper. Can also be found on a floaty in the middle of the lake. (I, as of now, have never gone to a space party with Dave; however, I would totally be up for it)

Def. 9 the coolest person on the earth, mostly female, they love to text,shop,and they are amazing kissers, and super sexy (I AM mostly female)

Def.11 DAMN sexy, basically has a sexalishious body. Besides having a rocking bod she is also super smart. Great friend and lover. Guys want her and girls want to be her.

Def.12 Someone very hot (cute as hell) and funny as hell

Def.13 She’s a biker chick and a sultry girlie girl. She rocks her own Harley and turns heads in a minidress. She’s got just enough ink to let you know she’s a firecracker! Amazing breasts and a body that will make all your exgirlfriends jealous. Everyone is drawn to her and all will have a great time in Her presence. Shes a sparkler and you’ll see why if you get the chance to hang with her. Her main man will be a sexy bad boy who knows what his lady wants. She will make him feel like a million bucks, and he will love having her next to him watching all of the heads turn when they go by. Her motto for life is “Making bitches jealous.”

This one is a little bit off, since I have already mentioned that I’m not QUITE a biker chic. But you see they mention that I am “a sparkler”? It means they really DO know me. Sadly, no one has put in a definition of Sparklebumps yet.