Anyhoo, it seems that I have a habit of making absurd resolutions that are quite nearly impossible to achieve (without having my own personal dominatrix to assure succes), so this year, I have decided to only make New Year’s resolutions that are actually feasible.
1. I resolve to go to McDonald’s only ONCE a week, except for special occassions such as Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.
2. I resolve to buy only shoes that are NEEDED. I NEED shoes that will match my fabulous sparkly multi-colored tights, because non-matching shoes would just be un-classy. Also, a pair of nude heels is a necessity, as they match with everything.
3. I resolve to physically exert myself at least once a day. (Sex is exertion, right?)
4. I resolve to only buy clothing after I have lost 5 lbs. (Fortuneately, my shoes weigh 5 lbs.)
5. I resolve to keep my “sexual oozing” from oozing onto everyone I meet, if at all possible….
6. I resolve to not get fired from my job because of my blog.
7. I resolve to think of someone other than myself for at least one minute every day.
8. I resolve to NOT think of sex for at least one minute every day.
9. I resolve to smile at and not think bad thoughts about crapper customers and/or sucky co-workers at least once a week.
10. I resolve to lessen the amount of brandy/whiskey/ other assorted liquors I pour into my alcoholic beverages, in an effort to ration said liquor; therefore saving money by making it last longer.
11. I resolve to refrain from cursing profusely unless extremely angered or distraught. (Taylor Swift winning any musical award and work-related incidents are examples of extreme anger-inducing circumstances)
12. I resolve to pay off my Victoria’s Secret credit card. (Thereby enabling myself to re-open said card and “rebuild” my credit by purchasing much-needed butt-floss undies.)
13. I resolve to not wear open-toed shoes in the middle of winter. (Which means I NEED a pair of fur-trimmed boots.)
14. I resolve to work on writing my already-begun book at least one hour a day. (In an attempt to become the writer that I really am.)
OK, I think that about does it. These resolutions, I think, are quite acheiveable…