Tag Archives: Shoes

My Resolve


Happy New Year, my Lovelys! Sorry I have been absent for the last few days… I was busy…re-aquainting myself with my Rockstar and his Boner after his many days away….

Anyhoo,  it seems that I have a habit of making absurd resolutions that are quite nearly impossible to achieve (without having my own personal dominatrix to assure succes), so this year, I have decided to only make New Year’s resolutions that are actually feasible.

1. I resolve to go to McDonald’s only ONCE a week, except for special occassions such as Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.

2. I resolve to buy only shoes that are NEEDED. I NEED shoes that will match my fabulous sparkly multi-colored tights, because non-matching shoes would just be un-classy. Also, a pair of nude heels is a necessity, as they match with everything.

3. I resolve to physically exert myself at least once a day. (Sex is exertion, right?)

4. I resolve to only buy  clothing after I have lost 5 lbs. (Fortuneately, my shoes weigh 5 lbs.)

5. I resolve to keep my “sexual oozing” from oozing onto everyone I meet, if at all possible….

6. I resolve to not get fired from my job because of my blog.

7. I resolve to think of someone other than myself for at least one minute every day.

8. I resolve to NOT think of sex for at least one minute every day.

9. I resolve to smile at and not think bad thoughts about crapper customers and/or sucky co-workers at least once a week.

10. I resolve to lessen the amount of brandy/whiskey/ other assorted liquors I pour into my alcoholic beverages, in an effort to ration said liquor; therefore saving money by making it last longer.

11. I resolve to refrain from cursing profusely unless extremely angered or distraught. (Taylor Swift winning any musical award and work-related incidents are examples of extreme anger-inducing circumstances)

12. I resolve to pay off my Victoria’s Secret credit card. (Thereby enabling myself to re-open said card and “rebuild” my credit by purchasing much-needed butt-floss undies.)

13. I resolve to not wear open-toed shoes in the middle of winter. (Which means I NEED a pair of fur-trimmed boots.)

14. I resolve to work on writing my already-begun book at least one hour a day. (In an attempt to become the writer that I really am.)

OK, I think that about does it. These resolutions, I think, are quite acheiveable…

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Sinner


Good Friday to you, my Lovelys! So for some reason yesterday- perhaps because I was bored of thinking of saucing and cheesing at work (which I am very excellent at, by the way) I began thinking of the Seven Deadly Sins. I was not raised Catholic; instead, I was raised to believe that no sin is worse than the next. This thinking is still a bit ludicrous, since I believe most people would agree with me that chopping someone’s head off and wearing their skin as an overcoat is bit more dispicable than screaming, “Fuck!” when you stub your toe on the toilet, but who am I to judge? So, this morning I looked up the “deadliest” sins, and was disturbed to see that according to some religions, I belong in all the circles of Hell. I have listed them here for you, (with the Latin terms as well, so you can all be a bit smarter today) and the ways in which I have committed these infractions:

Lust (luxuria): OK, I’m sure you are all thinking that I picked this one to go first, when in fact, it was the first one listed on the Wikipedia. So there. Dante’s definition of this sin was “excessive love of others”, which I admit I am guilty of, though not in a naked way. If we go with the Wikipedia definition- desiring a person outside of marriage– that’s another story. So I guess there’s nothing more to do than tell my Rockstar he’d better marry me to keep me from going to Hell, eh? Of course, there would still be the issue of Chris Meloni…

Gluttony (gula): Wasting of food, either through eating too much food, drink or drugs, misplaced desire for food for its taste, or not giving food to the needy -I assure you, there is no food or alcohol wastage going on in my presence. However, my misplaced desire for McDonald’s french fries may be a sin. My need is assuaged when I make sure to buy myself some, though, so that makes up for the sin, right?

Greed (avaritia): This was describe as wanting more things than a person needs. But at least I USE all my shoes…

Sloth (acedia) : This is one I’m not quite as guilty of. However, I’m quite sure that someone would find a problem with me vegging out in front of the TV watching Sex and the City for 6 hours after my work is done.

Wrath (ira): Inappropriate (not right) feelings of hatred, revenge or even denial– I believe my feelings of anger toward my ex-boss for getting firing are completely appropriate. I have no such explanation for Taylor Swift.

Envy (invidia): I must say, I do not hate people for what they have, because I have more. (Boobs, that is.)

Pride (superbia): Wikipedia’s definition of this was:  A desire to be important or attractive to others or excessive love of self. I’ve been told this is a mental disease known as histrionic personality disorder.  If I were in court, I believe I would be found “not guilty” by reason of mental disease or defect…

So there you have it. Since I have seen fit to confess my sins, that absolves me, doesn’t it?

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A Little Note


There is a little habit that I have in my home life. I leave notes.

This habit most frequently manifests itself when I put together lunches for my Rockstar to take to work. These notes are quite un-important-“XOXO” and “Have a beauteous day with the fucktards” being the gist of them. I include them just to remind my Rockstar that I exist (as if he could ever forget) and to let him know that I think of him.

Last night, after returning from a hellish night as a Pizza Slut (I shall go into greater detail in a future post) I left some rent money for my Rockstar with a note letting him know that I’d have some more for him some time soon. (At least, that is the intention)

Now, the note thing is just my own little practice. I do not expect reciprocation, and have never received it. (This seems to be common in my relationship…) However, when I got up today, there was a little note with some of the money I had left for my Rockstar.

“You keep this. Go buy some shoes.”

I could not have thought of a more romantic thing for him to say.

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For the Love of Shoes


There are many many kinds of shoes.

There are shoes that are black.

There are shoes that are bright.

There are shoes for the daytime,

and shoes for the night.

There are sandals for summer,

There are boots for the fall.

There are shoes that wear fat feet,

and some that wear small.

Tall shoes, flat shoes, sneakers, Mary Janes,

There are even special shoes for people with canes.

There are shoes for the farm,

and shoes for the city.

Some that are ugly,

but most shoes are pretty.

Shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes,

All the wonderful shoes!

All shoes are good shoes,

whichever you choose!

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Things I’m Thankful For


Since this is kind of a jacked- up Thanksgiving, (I’ll post about that after I eat pizza) this will be a little harder than I thought.

Music- because without it the voices in my head would be confusing me. Instead, they sing, and that’s not so bad.

My Rockstar- because without him, I would never have understood the term “Making love”, and he cleans off my car when it snows, which no one has ever done for me before.

My Rockstar’s Daughter- because without her, I would never know what it’s like to be an evil stepmother. The one in Cinderella is really misunderstood…

Candy- because without it, I would never come close to orgasm because of food.

My Readers- because without you, I would just be some 30 yr-old writing a diary, and that’s kinda pathetic.

Shoes- because without them, my outfits would never look as good as they do.

God- because without Him, I would have killed myself years ago; now I realize He just likes to fuck with me, and it keeps my life… interesting.

Church- because without it, I would never get to hear, “We LOVE your music! Thank you so much!” Also, I get my fill of hugs for the week in less than an hour.

Work- because without is, I could never afford shoes. And it’s good to be useful sometimes.

Books- Because without them, I would really be so much dumber.

Chris Meloni- because without him, I wouldn’t have a celebrity crush other than Angelina, and Chris is really aging so much more gracefully.

My Square-haloed People- I will give an explanation. My pastor described square- haloed people as angels on earth. They are the people that make me feel that I’m worth knowing.

OK, I guess that’s all for now. I loves you all and have a great holiday, my fellow Americans.

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A True Retelling of the 3 Bears


Once upon a time, there was a girl named Sparklebumps who was forced to work weekends to pay her bills. When she would come home late at night, there was never anyone to greet her, because her Rockstar and his Daughter would go to bed at ridiculously early hours.

The other night, she returned home, and though the hour was late, she was jazzed up enough from work that attempting to go to sleep would have been a moot point. (I love the word moot) She decided to have a small libation, hoping it would make her sleepy. She opened the cupborad and found that the bottle of peach brandy she had bought, (and had only drank part of) was nearly gone. She narrowed her eyes at the bottle and thought, “Someone’s been drinking my brandy, and it’s almost ALL gone! He’s buying the next bottle.”

Sparkle then looked into the fridge, intent on finishing the delicious extra-cheesy pizza she had brought home from work the other night. To her abject horror, when she opened the refrigerator door, there was no little box marked “Pizza Hut”. Growing agitated, she slammed the fridge door and thought, “Somebody’s been eating my pizza, and they didn’t even leave me one piece!”

Sparkle decided since drinking and eating were out, she would sit and read a book for a few moments. As she plopped down in her assigned couch spot, she noticed the guitar she had received as a Christmas present from her ex many years ago was not leaning against her bookcases. She had asked her Rockstar to list it on Craigslist, since she never learned to play it, and would rather have a pair or two of shoes. When she noticed it was gone she thought, “He must have sold it; I wonder where he put my money.”

So Sparklebumps went to bed un-drunk, with no money, while her tummy rumbled. She had indeed turned into a bear.

 

 

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Thought #6


I wonder if wearing 5 inch heels to a job interview will give a wrong impression or get me the job?

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Filed under Fashion, Humor, Life, Uncategorized, Work

Chicken Strips Rule and Other Reasons Why


I decided to write this post when I found myself snarfing down left-over KFC at 5:30 this morning.

Why chicken strips rule: not only are they essentially the only food a restaraunt can’t screw up, the fact that you don’t have to check first to make sure you’re not going to take a giant bite of chicken fat makes them very appealing. And as I’m trying to pull chicken off the bone, I can’t help but start to think, “This used to have a head.”

Why I no longer care to go to the movie theatre: because people are assholes. I myself prefer to go to a movie during a matinee, so as to avoid the screaming masses. (which makes me even more upset that my theatre doesn’t have daytime showings during the school year.) So you can understand my utter dissatisfaction when I go into an empty theatre, find a spot where nobody usually likes to sit, and then have some ass-hat come and sit in the seat RIGHT behind me. In theatre with even only 100 seats, if there is only one other person sitting there, what possesses these people to sit so close? Are they feeling lonely? Are they sitting near in case they become frightened during the movie and wish to be consoled? (even though the movie is Mamma Mia) and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve wanted to turn around and shove that bag of candy that they’re rustling so far up their ass that it comes out their face. And being that open-mouthed eating is my biggest pet peeve (more on that another time), what a coincidence it is that these same inconsiderate jack-holes are chomping the noisiest thing to listen to being eaten, popcorn. Therefore, I stay home and pay for Netflix.

Why I adore duct tape and closets: when you live with a 9 year old who isn’t yours, corporal punishments such as spankings are not an option. This is where these 2 supplies come in handy.

Why I wear ridiculously tall heels to work: Until someone invites me to a ball, I must get use out of my 47 pairs of beauteous shoes. Also, they come in handy when trying to reach books on the top shelf. But I STILL would like to go to a ball…

Why Angelina is still on my top 5 list of gorgeous celebs: Yes, I admit, she is greatly over-rated, and a little too skinny nowadays, but anyone who adopts a bunch of kids from wherever and takes the time to help other people is beautiful in my book. Even if they DID do it for publicity. I knew about her BEFORE she was famous and I want to kiss those crazy-big lips, so there.

Why I believe state patrol officers should all be laid off:  I can honestly say I’ve never seen a state patrol officer doing something useful, such as catching bad guys- instead, they seem to think that I am the bad guy, and are dumb enough to think that I’m going to slow down if they give me a ticket. Of course, they are dumb enough to sometimes NOT give me tickets too, when I flash a bit of cleavage. Since our country and states are having a difficult time with their creditors (us taxpayers), wouldn’t it make sense to rid ourselves of these nuisances and give them jobs as real cops in big cities who are short handed?

Ok, I guess that’s it for now. Have a lovely day, I may post something later. XOXO

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Just one of THOSE days…


For the most part, I like to talk about myself way to much, so I decided to start a blog. Well, that, and the fact that I was creeping on the computer history at work and saw that my co-worker started one too! I should say that I aspire to write exciting and beautiful books, so this is kind of like practice. ARRRGH! I’m trying talk about myself here and these SO VERY annoying customers keep bothering me with inane questions! Customers, you say? Yes, I am one of the “uneducated” people who must work retail because I chose not to spend $50,000 to learn. Kudos to all you college students BTW! I just didn’t want to spend a bunch of money and then find myself in debt with no job for what I went to school for. Anyway! I found myself an awesome job in a used bookstore where the books are abundant and the work is minimal. Don’t get me wrong- there is plenty to do here; it just seems that the others who work here don’t want to do it. And so, I made a decision that if the boss doesn’t care, I don’t either. Except I do. Because I love books and they need to be given respect, and nobody is going to want to buy them if they are scattered everywhere! 😡 Ok, I shall not be too bitter. I get to be around books all day and see interesting customers, which I shall be sure to tell you about! But I have been described as having histrionic personality disorder, and the customers are pissin’ me right off right now! This woman with a face resembling the Elephant Man’s keeps asking me for books that she saw when she walked in that she cannot find now. I believe her vision is impaired due to the giant ridges that have caused her eyes to be at different levels. I sound very rude for my first blog; I promise you that I don’t really mean it! This has been a sort of “Fuck you” day- mainly because my boss is a giant weenie that has to be on a power trip at work because his wife is the Boss of him at home. Which turns out very badly for me, since I am the only employee that has to see his stupid face every day! More on that later. I am happy to say that there remains only an hour and a half of work left for me, before I get to go home and see my rockstar! YAY! I call him my rockstar because he is the only boy I know personally who can actually play guitar, and I intend to make us both rockstars someday. I suppose I cannot describe him as a boy, as he is really a 40 yr old man, but I make him younger. And he CAN drink me under the table, so he’s still got it. As they say- rockstars are all about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll- we love rocknroll, he did a stripper on drugs once, so what is left? Now you see why I am excited to go home! Until then, I suppose I could work for a minute. Til tomorrow then! XOXO
P.S. I know that was entirely too long to be a blog, but I was just letting you all know what’s up. Also, occasionally I will be describing what I’m wearing- ok, not in the creepy cyber-sexy way that sounded! Only because clothes make me excited! So today I am wearing black leggings with a black ruffly skirt, a red shirt with a short-sleeved black satin blazer and red satin heels with black patent leather piping. Yay for shoes!

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