Nothing But Nonsense

I must say that of late, I’ve had not even one interesting Spam comment. For that matter, I’ve had hardly any comments at all. (But I completely appreciate all the comments I HAVE had!)

However, when I was looking through the Spam comments just now, I noticed there were several of the same comment made on a number of different posts. I’m paraphrasing here, because ’tis not worthy of a direct quote: Something something about that’s nothing but nonsense.

Basically, I have been found out. It takes a ballsy Spamator to call me out on my utter nonsense. I’m amazed it took someone this long to realize I’m a hack.  (a excessively busty hack, but a hack all the same.)

Sure, I can be witty, and surprisingly creative at times, (have you read my smut?) but I openly admit my blog holds very little of import. You will not find great life lessons written here, (other than to NOT propose to your forty-something boyfriend in a post-it, because he will deem it  unworthy of an answer) nor will you learn valuable truths (unless they are about me, in which case, if you ever are lucky enough to meet me, are very valuable indeed). To most, it would probably be said that my blog carries less entertainment within than a child’s Dr. Seuss book. (Fun fact: Dr. Seuss wrote for Playboy occasionally.)

To prove it, I will prove how nonsensacle I can be:

It’s true , what They say,

about money growing on trees,

it doesn’t.

But the best things in life are free.

BAM! 30 second poem.

Discussing Manhood

After I was checking and deleting my 300+ emails today, (I’ve been remiss in my duties) I decided to check out the spam on my email in hopes that my long lost great aunt had died and her wishes that I inherit her castle had been placed in my junk folder. Sadly, no such email existed. However this one caught my eye, mainly because it was in all capital letters.

ADD THREE INCHES TO YOUR MANHOOD NOW!!!!!!!!!

The excessive use of exclamation point may also have inspired me to write this post.

Firstly, I would like to ONCE AGAIN point out that I am having no manhood in my drawers which needs to have three inches added to it. In fact, I have no manhood to which I could add ANY inches to. Instead, I have a perfectly lovely womanhood (is that a word?) that is capable of getting most any “manhood” it wants. This got me thinking, though.

What would I do if I DID have a manhood?

I think it would be safe to say that if I had a manhood, I would play with it all the time. After all, what fun to have a body part that grows upon contact! I would fondle it lovingly just to watch it get hard, and then take my hand away just to watch it go limp. Of course, there would be times when I DIDN’T take my hand away, but instead stroke it at various speeds until it spurted like a volcano. You guys are so lucky to have such a wondrous contraption connected to your groin!

I would also like to try peeing while standing up, because when I do that, the pee just runs down my leg.

Of course, there would be some shameful things that I would do if I had my very own manhood- mainly sticking it into things just to see what it felt like. I’ve heard that vacuum hoses are fun, but slightly dangerous, and that women’s mouths also feel nice. However, I would surely be slapped with multiple law suits if I just went around sticking my manhood in women’s faces, and so, it is probably a good thing that I haven’t one.

Secondly, this is my own personal opinion, but I bet if you start going around asking other women they would agree. Unless your manhood is disturbingly pitiful, like two inches, three inches added to it may just be too much. Yes, yes, there are those women who love a HUGE cock, but I assure you that most of those type of women have hoo-has that are stretched beyond all recognition. Also, I can say from experience that the men with the big manhoods don’t know what to do with them- they insist on shoving them in your cooch repeatedly in an ungentle manner, thinking that it feels good. To those men I would like to say something. Do you KNOW what our cooches would say if they could talk while you were doing that?! “UGH! You stupid fucker! Slow down! It’s good I don’t have anything breakable in here, because you are like a bull in a china shop!”

Also, men, I must tell you a little secret. Some happy fingers is really all you need.

The problem is, I think, that the men who would consider clicking on this “3 inches” email are probably obsessed with size, so there is a good chance that the men who already own mammoth cocks would buy this product. To that I say- If I saw a ten or twelve inch dick pointing in my direction, I would run to the hills. Cue the Iron Maiden music.

A Spammish Response

I have a confession.

I read my spam comments.

No, I do not click on them, but I read them nonetheless.

And since the Spam Ejaculators insist on sending me such a disturbing comment as the following, it is only fair that I share it with my Lovelys.

Here it is:

When replying to this ad, include your full stats, age 35 45ish , weight, height, any kinks you might be into and preferred role e. I’m a 37yr old married expert cocksucker I’m 6’1″ 275 clean ,d d free, and very discreet. Not looking for one time encounter. I can’t stress enough that it is important to me that you be near ish my age, and both 100 into doing this. I’m 6’2″, 195lbs, 8″ thick cut cock, love to please and am DD free. by Matthew Panning, who was bragging about how he had Be sure to stop by and visit and pick up their latest cd The Gospel Side of Daily Reymundo Anguiano Harris County, Georgia. I get so horny just thinking about sucking a nice hard cock. Looking for some love maybe more i wnna have sum fun i wish someone would hit me up tonite im bored so ladies n milfs hit me up asap 18 n up ladies n milfs pic for picemail me 0r text  I am new to the area and I am searching for a woman that is into the same type of relationship I am seeking. I you want my picYou have to send yours. Just an average nympho looking for someone as into sex as i am. Pic required, I can either sneak ya in my room or suck ya off in the car. 31, five eleven, 184lbs, masc horny guy, all top. Chinese milfs. White male here looking for a woman that likes her feet pampered and massaged. HI there bi and gay male oral enthusiasts I am just one horny but nice bi guy wanting a suck buddy Once is fine weekly even better . I am not looking to meet or have sex, just chat and email. I am looking for an adventurous lady who would find it exciting to be photographed in the nude or in lingerie.

I feel compeled to respond.

Dear Spam Ejaculator-

I feel the need to inform you that I am unable to reply to your ad with my full stats because they do NOT, in fact, meet the criteria of 35-45ish. I am greatly disturbed that you have visited my blog and deemed me worthy of your middle-age seeking intents. As far as any kinks I am into, I will gladly share.

I, on occassion, like to be covered in whip cream, caramel, or other assorted sugary flavorings and licked clean. While fat-inducing dessert flavorings enhance the experience, I am happy to report that no additional sweets are necessary in the licking of me, as my own flavoring is quite tasty.

As far as any other kinks, if you are a man willing to bend over and allow me to do you in the butt with my strap-on, then perhaps you are the one for me- as I have been unable to thusfar find a willing candidate for said assplay.

Kudos to your expert cocksucking skills. I am happy to report that we have that in common. However, since you are married, it makes me wonder how it was that you came to excel at sucking cocks…

You sound quite beefy at 275 and 6’1. I would like to point out that you are, to be honest, NOT as discreet as you think you are, since your spam ended up plastered on the internet. As I do not know what dd free means, I cannot commend or berate you for that.

Once again, I am not near-ish your age, so I cannot be 100 into doing anything with you. I am greatly appalled that you think I AM nearish your age, since I was actually quite pleased with the photo I posted of myself, and saw no hint of crows feet or grey hairs.

I am confused, because you now say that you are 6’2 and 195 lbs., and that you sport an 8″ thickcut cock. You seem more my type with these stats, until I get to the point in your ad where you state that you get horny just thinking about sucking a nice hard cock. We also have this in common, but I regret to inform you that I maintain no hard cock, or in fact, ANY cock within my skivvies.

I like to see that you are looking for love- after all, isn’t that what we are all looking for? But you will find no love from me since you insist on spelling sum and wanna like that. Only smart people are allowed into my holes.

I get bored sometimes too, but I am not a milf, so in the future keep that in mind so I do not continuously get spam emails that I must then respond to in my blog. I have much better things to write about, but I cannot resist.

I am willing to send you pics, and want none in return, because unexpected boner pics give me the willies. (Ha, that was a good pun) I do not find it alluring when you offer to suck me off in tha car, so we will have to forego that. (Especially since I lack the equipment required for a good sucking off)

Now you are 5’11 and 184 lbs. Do you suffer from multiple personality disorder? It’s quite acceptable if you do, but since you are “all top” as you put it, I will have to go with one of the other personalities, since I do my best work when I’M on top. Sorry.

I would like to point out once again that I am NOT a milf, OR Chinese, and that I cannot stand to have my feet touched and pampered. I am very ticklish and cannot stop giggling once someone tickles me. The giggling would get in the way of any cocksucking you would be expecting.

HI there, nice bi guy personality, I feel the need to tell you that I am not the suck buddy for you- I prefer daily and not just weekly. I guess I just have a higher sex drive than you.

I would find it very exciting to be photographed in the nude or lingerie; however, after many nudey poses taken by myself, I have come to realize that I am the only one able to depict the fat on my body in a tasteful and sensual way, and so, I shall have to pass on the offer.

Forever Not Yours,

Sparklebumps

 

SPAM Compliments

I was tempted to approve these Spam comments simply for the fact that they are quite complimentary to me  (in a weird fucked-up way). As I am easily flattered by ANY attention whatsoever, I decided to include them in a post instead…

I have bookmarked you , this is excelent information my friends, nicely done : Why thank you, mi amigo! But how did you know there was more than one of us? I try not to let people know about all of us personalities.

Great stuff! Seriously. : Seriously. Thank you.

This is the right blog for anyone who wants to find out about this topic. You realize so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want…HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!: That’s right! You’d better NOT fucking argue with me. HaHa. Because this is my blog, and I’m the boss. Just do what I say and read!

Hey how are you doing? I just wanted to stop by and say that it’s been a pleasure reading your blog. I have bookmarked your website so that I can come back & read more in the future as well. plz do keep up the quality writing: I suppose it depends on when you expected me to answer your question. I’m doing fabulous so far today, but that is only because I haven’t ventured out into the real world yet. Yesterday was a bust. I am pleased that you will continue to make my site stats grow by revisiting my blog. XOXO

Aw, this was a really nice post. In concept I wish to put in writing like this moreover ? taking time and actual effort to make an excellent article? but what can I say? I procrastinate alot and in no way seem to get one thing done: In concept, taking time and putting actual effort into an article DOES seem the proper avenue to get a really nice post. (Stealing spam comments to make a post, however, is a quick and lazy way to get a half-assed post.)

It?s arduous to seek out knowledgeable people on this matter, however you sound like you already know what you?re talking about!: I agree it is a long and tiring process finding people who are not complete fucktards. However, I believe you to be one of the knowledgable ones, since you are intelligent enough to  realize I know what I’m talking about…

you’ve an ideal blog right here! would you like to make some invite posts on my weblog? : If it requires little to no effort on my part and  I am greatly rewarded with copious amounts of candy and/or french fries, I will most certainly make some posts on you weblog!

Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive learn something like this before. So good to seek out someone with some authentic thoughts on this subject. realy thanks for beginning this up. this website is one thing that is needed on the net, someone with slightly originality. helpful job for bringing something new to the internet! : Another highly intelligent individual you are! No I don’t suppose you HAVE learned something like THIS before. I’m told I’m quite amazing and wonderful. Your quite welcome that I have begun this up.

Oh my goodness! an amazing article dude. Thanks Nevertheless I am experiencing challenge with ur rss : I am assuming you are a man, since you have addressed me as “Dude” (yo, man!), but the “oh my goodness” has thrown me. Sadly, I cannot help you with my rss, because I wasn’t aware that I had one of those. (I don’t even know what one is, but I’m quite certain I haven’t any sexually-transmitted diseases.)

This site can be a walk-by for all of the info you wished about this and didn?t know who to ask. Glimpse here, and also you?ll positively uncover it: Yes. Yes. I am the new Wikipedia. I am here for you learning pleasure. (Hmm. I recall saying something similiar to a virgin once.)

Nice post. I learn something tougher on different blogs everyday. It will all the time be stimulating to read content material from different writers and follow slightly something from their store : I’m not exactly sure what it was you learned “tougher” on my blog, but cheerio!

I?m impressed, I need to say. Actually hardly ever do I encounter a blog that?s each educative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you’ve hit the nail on the head. Your concept is outstanding; the issue is something that not enough people are talking intelligently about. I’m very completely satisfied that I stumbled throughout this in my search for something relating to this :I am pleased to find that so many people find me educative, as that is not generally a word I would use to describe myself. As far as being satisfied- I NEVER leave anyone with blue balls… (metaphorically OR  literally)

Your charm beads tend to be magical : as does my pussy. 😉

Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You obviously know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your weblog when you could be giving us something enlightening to read?: Dude, I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about, because I’ve only posted one video on my blog ever. Although, my Rockstar says sometimes that I’m throwing away my intelligence by writing on my blog. Are you him?

Good day. I just needed to actually make a nice brief commentary and inform you know that in fact I’ve been focusing on your personal blogging site for quite some time. Keep up the very excellent work and I’ll be looking back again once more in a little while. : I must be honest when I say that “focusing” is a disturbing word (quite stalkerish, actually) but as long as you don’t come back with lotion saying, “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin; it does this whenever it’s told”, I  lovingly invite you back!

SPAM I Am

Here is yet another post that analyzes the Spam accumulating on my blog….

puerto princesa tour packages: I do not speak Puerto Rican, but I’m pretty sure this says something about Puerto Rican princess tours. So the question is- do they consider ME the princess? Or was this grand offer mistakenly sent to me? Is the tour of Puerto Rico? Or is it a tour of a Puerto Rican princess? (If that’s the case, I’m in.)

Major lover of your site, a considerable number of your writers have definitely helped me out: Thanks, man. Glad I could help. You may be surprised to find out- there is only one of us. Though the voices in my head may disagree…

Howdy! Someone in my Facebook group shared this website so I came to give it a look. Superb website, I also love to get info on  term life insurance rates: Howdy, partner! I’m am happy that I am becoming slightly famous via Facebook. I find it my duty to provide you with superb witticisms; however, you will find no life insurance quotes on this site.

Get free stuff here: I LOVE free stuff! It’s much cheaper than stuff you have to pay for. And you don’t get in trouble for stealing.

Looking at your blog publication is a real amazing experience:(I’m not really sure why this one is considered spam) I am truly happy you have received an amazing experience from my blog. Boy, I wonder what you’d say if you had me naked…

this post is a keeper- bookmarked! (from a website asking for car donations): I am looking for a Mustang donation, so if you can hook me up…

It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d most certainly donate to this fantastic blog: It IS a shame, because I would most certainly accept your hard-earned money since you feel the urge to throw it my way! Is anybody else wishing I had a donate button? I’ll get right on that.

I’d have to examine with you here. Which is not one thing I usually do! I take pleasure in reading a post that may make folks think. Additionally, thanks for permitting me to comment: Comments are always welcome here! I am quite proud that I made you think, because I would not assume most of my blog content is highly intellectual.

Great blog. Found this blog while surfing about penis problems on google. Had some orgasm problems in the past myself but all is just fine at the moment: My goal in life is to rid the world of penis problems (apparently), so I am glad that you were fortunate enough to find your way to my blog. (I asked my Rockstar about this one and his exact response was, “I don’t understand how a guy could have an orgasm problem, unless the problem is that he blows his load right away.” My answer? “Honey, not every guy is lucky enough to have a girl as lovely and talented as I.”)

 Hrm, Not the best post unfortunately. Sorry to be so blunt! You should try some Norwegian carrot cake to cheer you up instead: To you I have one thing to say- Fuck you, and you can shove your Norwegian cake up your ass. (I guess that was actually two things)

 

In the Spirit of Christmas

I found out today that even spam can be Christmassy. (Sort of)

As I checked my junk emails this morning, I should have known when the subject line “Stuff her stocking!” flashed before my eyes that the subject matter would be rated higher than PG. I was not fully prepared for the upsetting question that would be posed to me when I clicked to open it, however.

“Do you want to get laid for Christmas?”

As I have pointed out on numerous occassions, most certainly I would like to get laid, whether it be Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or Sadie Hawkins Day. Be that as it may, putting the ideas of naked fun time and Christmas in the same sentence greatly disturbs me.

I am well aware of such offensive Christmas songs as Merry Christmas, Darling and Santa’s Got a Brand-New Bag. Perhaps it is the quote, “Remember the Reason for the Season” being drilled into my head as a child, but I highly doubt Baby Jesus would find people copulating a satisfactory birthday present.  I am less offended by the song Santa Baby, (because Eartha Kitt is awesome) unless of course it is the hideous Jessica Simpson version playing.

It is well known that my sexual explicity content is quite high. However, for my own personal preference, Christmas may be the one time when I shan’t mention boom boom.

The second part of my spam email that got me thinking was the link provided to me after they indecently asked if I wanted a boner in my stocking. It contained the words “date-aholic.” I suppose it depends on who you ask, but I was under the impression that “dates” were the occassions when a boy picks you up, takes you out to a nice dinner, maybe a movie, holds your hand, and kisses you on your front stoop at the end of the night. I am sure this has changed slightly with the times, but I’m pretty sure a date still includes some semblance of wining and dining. So why all the mystery? Instead of using “date-aholic” as their website, wouldn’t it just be more gracious of this company to use the tag line, “FREE SEX” ?  Merry Christmas indeed.

If You Pay Me, I Will Be Professional

So, a few of my fellow bloggery people have posted rants about the spam they have accrued on this website. This is another one of those posts.

I realize that spam is garbage and that it shouldn’t matter what it has to say, but I can, at times, be excessively-emotional. THIS-“reat article and straight to the point. I am not sure if this is in fact a good option to ask but do you folks have any thoughts on you’ll be able to hire some professional writers? Thanks” fuckin’ pissed me right off.

I refuse to post the web address that this came from, because whatever assbucket sent it does NOT deserve any traffic that I would provide. How DARE this fucktard who cannot even spell “read” ask me to hire a professional writer for my blog!!!!!! This blog is for MY writing pleasure, and for your reading pleasure, and if I wish to spell things wrong, or write in an unprofessional manner, I am allowed to do so, and no cocksucker spammer can stop me! On that note, I admit that I am not the most seasoned writer on this block, but my writing skills are far superior to some horrendously well-known authors (ahem, Stephanie Meyer), which only proves that a ridiculously large paycheck is what makes a professional writer a pro.

To you who sent me this anger-inducing spam, I assure you, this is NOT, in fact, (see there my professional use of commas) a good option to ask a raging histrionic to hire someone else to type the thoughts that are in her head, and you had better be thanking your lucky stars that I am not a spy, because if I was, you would be hunted down and given a righteous beating. (Ooh! I could be a spy! I never thought of that one!) No, I do not entertain any thoughts of hiring some professional writers, so it would probably be in your best interest NEVER to spam me again, since my writing skills are so abhorrently disgusting to you. The only sign that you have a few brain cells left was your comment that I was “Straight to the point.” Let me get straight to the point once more- You can suck my non-existant dick and kiss my sparkly ass, fucker.