Tag Archives: Stephanie Meyer

“Breaking Dawn”: A Review

In another life, I believe that I should have been a movie critic. My belief is only confirmed when, year after year, completely uninteresting movies are nominated for Oscars (the exception being Inglorious Bastards. That movie kicked ass.) Anyhoo, time for a review.

I may have mentioned once or twice the utter abhorrence for Stephanie Meyer writings, and I do not recall if I mentioned the loathing I have for movies with “Twilight” in the title. That in no way impedes me from having watched all the Twilight movies to date. Call me masochistic, but I for some reason cannot halt myself from wasting 2 hours of my life that I KNOW will be wasted each time another chapter of this ridiculous Pale Skin/Doggy-style/Lack of Personality love triangle unfolds on screen.

I am proud to say that I restrained myself from wasting my hard-earned $9 an hour at the theatre for this last one, and waited patiently for it to come to Red Box. My embarrassment at renting such a load of crap was kept to a bare minimum, since I ventured to Red Box in the dead of night after closing at work last night.

I must admit, while reading Breaking Dawn a few years ago, I couldn’t put it down. Simply for the fact that I couldn’t believe the storyline could get any worse than it had in the 3 previous books. How wrong I was. I honestly believe the book should be kept in the HUMOR section of any good bookstore, because there were many instances when I burst into uncontrollable laughter. But we are not talking about the book.

I awoke this morning a bit groggy, until I remembered that I had rented such a deliciously foolish film to waste my time with- then I was instantly awake. I served myself up a bowl of the finest Cinnamon Toast Crunch and hunkered down to rot my brain.

The beginning of the movie started off with ugly Bella Swan getting married to an equally ugly Edward Cullen. I forgot to check the credits, but I have no doubt in my mind that Stephanie Meyer contributed to the writing of the screenplay, because it was as badly written as the book. Perhaps some people have a horrific aversion to the idea of marriage, but I have yet to meet an 18 year old girl who is one of them. This being said, Kristen Stewart perfectly portrayed a teen with no personality dreading marriage. She showed no excitement whatsoever over the beautiful wedding provided her (way to marry into money, girl!) Edward, (I’m sorry, I refuse to use the boy who played him’s actual name) equally seemed unthrilled to be marrying such a douchey bride. (Understandably so) I am slightly disappointed in Taylor Laughtner’s performance- he was superb in the first two movies, but I believe the dread of being a part of such a horrendous series has leaked into his acting. (Or maybe he was just sucking so as not to offend the other stars with his superior acting)

Part of the reasoning I had in watching this movie is the promise of seeing vampire sex. As the movies are geared toward young adults, I understood that there wouldn’t be the hard-core ass pounding that there should have been. (Or that I wanted to see) However, I do believe after a century of living like a priest, ANY vampire would have a little bit more reaction than, “Oops, I cracked the bed frame and hit you with a feather pillow.” There should have been AT LEAST one “Fuck yeah! I’m gettin’ laid, baby!” (You are allowed to say “fuck” once in a PG-13 movie) All I can say is, Bella must have been REALLY frickin’ bad in bed to have Edward completely refuse her after breaking the sex seal. (Call me up, Bella. I’ll give you some pointers)

I had thought on occassion, that Kristen Stewart couldn’t really look any worse than she did. (I think it’s the constant look of constipation that gets to me) I was wrong once again.

The story goes that they do sex once and then she is pregnant with a demon baby that is eating her from the inside out. I must say that the computer editing they did to make Bella look skeletal was excellent, she indeed looked worse than she did before. There’s not really too much to say, since they stretched out a book where not much happened into two movies where the same amount of nothing happened. There was alot of “Kill the fetus!” and “I’m keeping my baby!” and “Damn you, Edward! Everything is your fault! If she was with me we’d be having hot dog sex right now.” That is, until the baby was born- then it was, “Damn! That baby’s hot! I’m going to marry her one day!” (The werewolf imprinted on the baby. Don’t even get me started. Just read the book if you want to be greatly disturbed.)

Since it’s been awhile since I read the book, I didn’t recall exactly what went down after the gruesome labor scene (Kudos, Stephanie, you should really write horror), but I knew it was something like Bella almost died, blah, blah, blah.

Just when I was getting thrilled at the possibility that they killed Bella off for good, she opened her damn red eyes.



Filed under Books, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Sex, Uncategorized

Slightly Less Creepy Search Terms

Just when I thought I’d never have any more search terms to write about, there happened to be enough to do a third installment. There are not as sick and twisted (mostly) but some are very funny:

Paint his toenails: OK, I know this isn’t that weird, but it IS a habit I believe every girlfriend should develop. If he won’t let you, do it while he’s sleeping.

Dear Santa, got treats: Yes, I do. However, I do not think my Rockstar would wish me to allow Santa to motorboat on my “treats”.

Blow dry asshole: I realize this is in reference to the post I did about my Rockstar’s strange grooming habit, but when you read it like this, it sounds like a strange and wonderful new super hero- “DA da da DAAA! It’s the Blow Dry Asshole! Be careful, Villians! He’s going to… blow dry you!” That one needs pictures..

Stephanie Meyer shame: I think this is a new phrase I should patent and give to anyone rude enough to write horrid books that make lots of moneys.

I’m really sorry to hear about your job termination: Yes, I was too. But I’m over it now. I wonder if their sales are down immensely yet…

Meloni sex: this could be the term I use when I’m imagining Chris during… oh, nevermind.

Sparkle teen model my fruits: I’m not quite sure what to say to this one. I don’t really want to know WHO’S fruits they are.

Has Taylor Swift lost her virginity: There’s no way to know for sure, but do you really think she’d be so angry at that Jonas boy otherwise?

Book road at rainbow’s end: this sounds like it could either be the next installment of Pirate’s of the Carribbean, or a perfect name for my used bookstore.

Tube porn babysex: of course I couldn’t end with at least ONE completely fucked up search term. To this, all I have to say is, “You sick fucker.”


Filed under Books, Christmas, Entertainment, Humor, Life, music, Uncategorized, Work

If You Pay Me, I Will Be Professional

So, a few of my fellow bloggery people have posted rants about the spam they have accrued on this website. This is another one of those posts.

I realize that spam is garbage and that it shouldn’t matter what it has to say, but I can, at times, be excessively-emotional. THIS-“reat article and straight to the point. I am not sure if this is in fact a good option to ask but do you folks have any thoughts on you’ll be able to hire some professional writers? Thanks” fuckin’ pissed me right off.

I refuse to post the web address that this came from, because whatever assbucket sent it does NOT deserve any traffic that I would provide. How DARE this fucktard who cannot even spell “read” ask me to hire a professional writer for my blog!!!!!! This blog is for MY writing pleasure, and for your reading pleasure, and if I wish to spell things wrong, or write in an unprofessional manner, I am allowed to do so, and no cocksucker spammer can stop me! On that note, I admit that I am not the most seasoned writer on this block, but my writing skills are far superior to some horrendously well-known authors (ahem, Stephanie Meyer), which only proves that a ridiculously large paycheck is what makes a professional writer a pro.

To you who sent me this anger-inducing spam, I assure you, this is NOT, in fact, (see there my professional use of commas) a good option to ask a raging histrionic to hire someone else to type the thoughts that are in her head, and you had better be thanking your lucky stars that I am not a spy, because if I was, you would be hunted down and given a righteous beating. (Ooh! I could be a spy! I never thought of that one!) No, I do not entertain any thoughts of hiring some professional writers, so it would probably be in your best interest NEVER to spam me again, since my writing skills are so abhorrently disgusting to you. The only sign that you have a few brain cells left was your comment that I was “Straight to the point.” Let me get straight to the point once more- You can suck my non-existant dick and kiss my sparkly ass, fucker.


Filed under Humor, Life, Uncategorized

Suckage Part 1- Shame on you, Stephanie Meyer :Twilight

I shall be blogging later about the more important things in life later (namely me), but I’m cranky about that right now, so I shall delve into my multi-parted rant on vampire literature I have entitled Suckage. And so we begin…

I have long held a fascination with any book depicting the Un-Dead. I read Dracula when I was 11. And I believe I was turned onto Anne Rice novels because I caught the end of the movie version of Interview with a Vampire. Oddly enough, that was not the first Anne Rice book I read. Though her stories are somewhat gloomy, I think her writing style is superb. Anyhoo, this rant isn’t about Anne Rice.

Enter Stephanie Meyer. Once upon a time, when Sparklebumps got hired at a little used bookstore, she was bombarded with customers asking, “Do you have the Twilight books?” and “Have you read the Twilight books?” Now, I am ashamed to say that I was a little bit behind the times in the area of Young Adult novels then, and had never heard of these mysterious books. A few months after hearing these questions repeated had me intrigued, (as did a shiny boxed set of the series at my store.) and I decided to begin this “epic” saga. First, I would like to say that I am not entirely fond of books being written in first person, but if the writing is done well, I will forgive the author. A quick premise (in case you have been living under a rock)- Bella is the new kid in town and falls in love with a GOOD vampire (Edward), while flirting with an old family friend (Jacob). Bella is dull and has the SWEETEST smelling blood Edward has ever smelled in 100 years (what are the odds?) and with teenage angst, he suffers through the whole book trying to tell Bella they can’t be together. Then some BAD vampires (who actually drink human blood) show up and wanna eat Bella, so there is this “epic” battle where Bella almost dies, but doesn’t. (DAMN it!) It ends with the dorky couple going to prom, while Jacob looks on in torment. At least that’s how I heard it goes. I got 30 pages into Twilight and had to stop. It made me irate that Stephanie thinks we are all so doltish that we needed to be told how beautiful Edward is EVERY OTHER SENTENCE. If he is so beautiful, why the fuck does he want the mouseish lummox Bella?And I understand her writing Bella as a character pre-teen girls can relate to, but do we REALLY want our daughters trying to simulate someone devoid of personality? But wait! Bella is the “grown-up” one, taking care of her divorced parents, yet she is immature enough to fall in love with the first boy who want to eat her, while being completely oblivious to the handsome boy WITH a personality who doesn’t wanna munch on her. The only way that Stephanie Meyer used her talent is to write in such a way that makes you want to keep reading. But I didn’t, because I have good books I need to read. Stay tuned for my next Suckage post.


Filed under Books, Humor, Life, Love