Tag Archives: stores

Evading the Uprising


There comes a day in every adult’s life when he or she must make the choice to risk their very safety in order to use their carefully-clipped penny saving coupons. Today was that day for me.

I left work dreading the task looming before me. As if I did not already abhor grocery shopping anyway, the Cashwise in my city wickedly decided to advertise dollar saving deals on Doritos and other life-sustaining foodstuffs. I planned my assignment with the skills of a Navy SEALS ninja.

I seemed to have forgotten my riot shield, as I was not expecting masses of people stocking up for the approaching zombie apocolpyse, and so I hunkered down into a defensive pose as I laid my re-usable grocery bags in the seat of my cart, all the while clutching my purse, preparing to use it as a battering weapon if necessary. I looked down, refusing to make eye contact with other people crazy enough to try to get their two-for-one Oreos, afraid my own insanity would be reflected in their eyes.

I made  a pitstop at the coupon bin, keeping my cart between myself and the elderly lady frantically searching for the free Malt-O-Meal coupon. I found what I needed, and proceeded to bound through the fruit aisle at a self-preserving speed, stopping only long enough to pick up a seedless watermelon marked down to $4.98. As I did so I couldn’t help snickering to myself that I finally had a melon in my hand that was bigger than my own “melons”.

I repeatedly flipped through my handful of coupons, intent on not missing an item and having to risk backtracking through the money-grubbing throng. I debated on whether to get Hershey caramel chocolate coffee creamer or French Vanilla before madly tossing both on top of my free bananas and scotching outta there before I was rammed by the overweight man in the sweat pants.

I maneuvered my growing-heavy cart down the frozen foods aisle, ignoring the call of the new Cool Whip Frosting, and hastily grabbed two delicious looking tubs of ice cream, only to realize when I got around the corner that the tubs I had the coupon for were on the endcap. I threw my hands up before throwing the unwanted tubs in the place of the two I grabbed. (Shhh, you know you’ve done it too.) I zoomed past the candybar aisle, resisting temptation, before coming to a screeching halt in the shortest checkout line that sported a not-retarded looking checkout dude.

Sadly, in my extreme speed, I failed to notice the elderly couple in front of me who had been unable to locate said sale Malt-O-Meal. I looked on, pretending to smile politely when all I really wanted to do was shove grampa and gramma into their carts and push them off to the old people’s home. At last, their Malt-O-Meal was found, only to find out it wasn’t what they were looking for. Finally, I was cashed out and bagged up, only to realize when I got loaded into my truck that my endorphins were pumping, and I zoomed home in record time for absolutely no reason.

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Filed under Food, Humor, Life, Money, Uncategorized

A Shopper’s Lament


Oh, dearest Victoria’s Secret, Half-Priced Books, and other assorted emporiums,

How I long to place myself amidst your aisles of merchandisive splendor. I desire to slip my size 9 foot into the newest pair of shiny blue stillettos that grace your windows and to feel the thrill that no matter how many McDonald’s french fries I eat, shoes will always fit. I crave the euphoria that comes with realizing that Revlon has just launched an entire new line of beauteous long-lasting eyeshadows perfect for the greasy workings of a Pizza Slut, and the excitement when I see that they are buy one, get one free.

It matters not that I own roughly 4,000 books that I haven’t read, no, no. I will always feel the urge to buy more. I blame it on the scene in Beauty and the Beast when the Beast gives Belle access to his entire castle library. The point is, buying books is the equivilant of receiving an orgasm given by a long-time lover who knows exactly what makes your toes curl. It is a high that takes you at least a half hour and a nap to come down from. Alas, I can no longer use the reasoning, “A Chuck Palahniuk book. I must buy this, as I have eyes that can read.”

My anguish is cause by the fact that I have just finished figuring out exactly how many dollars I owe because of unnecessary purchases at your establishments. $13, 642 doesn’t seem like alot until you say it out loud. In my defense, at least $2,000 of that is actually moneys my ex-husband owed in my name, but I don’t want to talk about that. Also, I suppose I should have paid the Cooking Club of America when they were sending me recipes and an apron with my name embroidered on it. (Although, I am not completely satisfied with the performance of that apron, as it had not the desired response from my Rockstar when I wore it sans clothes.) Too, I owe the St. Cloud Times $25 because I signed up to receive the Sunday paper solely to do the crossword puzzles, therefore enhancing my already superior intelligence. The rest, sadly is a result of my own shopping transgressions- not recent ones, mind you, unless you consider the fact that I’ve been spending the moneys I should have been paying bills with on books. And shoes. And guitars. Oh my.

I have come to the conclusion that if I can resist the temptation of JCPenney’s new Friday and Wednesday sales, and if I take the long way around the mall to get to Target, therefore bypassing any devilish shoe stores, it will only take me ten months to pay off everything I owe to the point that I will be debt free and able to purchase my dream car, a 2012 Boss Mustang. While a completely awesome car may not compare to a closet full of shoes, it may last a bit longer than my lavender and gold Hale Bob wedges that I noticed are getting quite worn out. And it would be quite pleasant to no longer have satanic debt collectors calling me at all hours of the morning and night, posing as that mysterious Unknown person that I don’t know.

And so, my beloved shops, until January of next year, I shall feel your absence like a shotgun wound to the boob every time I get paid. But fear not; when we are again reunited, it will be sweeter than ever, as I will be debt free and armed with a plethora of re-uasable shopping bags.

Forever yours,

Sparklebumps

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Filed under Beauty, Books, Fashion, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized