Santa’s Response

Well, I got a response from Santa about my Wishlist, sadly, it was not what I was expecting. I think that maybe Santa is not as nice as everbody thinks he is…

Dear Sparklebumps,

I was surprised to get your wishlist so early this year, since you tend to procrastinate on everthing else. I guess this proves how truly selfish you are, doesn’t it? Perhaps you should concentrate on the REAL meaning of Christmas, and instead of continuing to buy shoes for yourself, you should be saving your money so you can buy your Rockstar the gold-top guitar he’s been wanting for the last 25 years.

Now, getting to your list…

You asked for a year’s supply of alcohol to cope with being you. This is not something I am prepared to be responsible with providing you, because your liver will be shot, and I do not want to be the cause of any stupid things that you may do in your drunken haze. You know how incorridgible you are when you drink. Although, you DO provide great entertainment for me and the Mrs. on boring Monday nights.

You also mentioned items from Victoria’s Secret. I have to let you know, I really detest going into that store; it’s not really set up for men of my… physique. My coat always gets caught on those little panty tables and knocks them over, which makes all the hot girls that work there scramble around  to pick everything up. (Heh-heh) I suppose you DO deserve at least one bra, since watching the hot girls bend over makes it worth going into that store. That one girl with the crazy blonde hair? DAAAAA-MN!

The Mustang. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to mention it. You know I can fit that shit in my sleigh. So you might as well quit asking.

You asked for shoes. Really?! You know you don’t have any space for them. And besides, you don’t go anywhere fancy anyway. You know you look ridiculous wearing 5 inch stillettos in the snow, right? (Although they DO make your ass look yummy.) What you really need to do is tell your Rockstar to make you a shoe shelf at his work. They’re working on a really nice cherry wood one right now; maybe the clients who ordered it won’t want it.

The beating for your Rockstar, I may be able to work out. He really is being a douche about the whole marriage thing. I have a few elves who tune people up when they need it. I’ll call them up.

No babies for you. Where do you expect me to get babies? They don’t grow on trees, you know, and the black market is just too risky for a guy who is so high profile like I am.

I’m not really sure why you are asking for books either. You really need to feng-shui your place and get rid of a bunch of stuff first. However, God decided to help me out with this one. He decided to take your Rockstar’s sister-in-law’s mother, and  she had a buttload of books. I think the sister-in-law already called your Rockstar asking if you wanted them all.  You’re probably going to have to rent a storage shed though.

You need to go on a diet, so no, Sparkle, I’m not giving you a fryer for french fries. Eat some fruit, Bitch!

Maybe if you’re a good girl and go on that diet, you’ll get a stripper pole next year. If I get you one this year, you’re just gonna look like those skanks at Sugar Daddies, and that’s just gross.

I’ll see what I can do about Chris Meloni. You know he’s going to want to spend Christmas with his very tall wife, right? I may have to take him against his will, but I’ll do what it takes since you promised me a boob squish. That was semi-awesome of you by the way. And for the record, I expect the full 45 seconds.

P.S. Yes, please DON’T leave me any cookies. Your cooking needs some work.

A Wishlist for Santa

Dear Santa,

I know it’s only the beginning of November, but I figured I had better get my letter to you early so you can get a head start.

I realize there is not much that you can do as far as prescription pills since you aren’t a doctor, so please I would like it if you could just supply me with a year’s worth of brandy, vodka, whiskey, etc. to help me cope with being me. Peach-flavored it preferred.

I would ask for the 2.6 million dollar Victoria’s Secret Fantasy bra, but I’m assuming it’s about 4 cup sizes too small, so anything that you can find in the store that’s a DDD would be great. Also, their smelly lotions are fabulous, but please none that smell of vanilla.

A 1967 Shelby Mustang GT 500 is at the top of my list, but I’ve been asking for that for several years and you seem to keep overlooking it. I realize this is probably just an oversight, so I will ask for it once again. I would like a black one with white racing stripes, since a purple one would NOT be the original color, and I prefer to keep it in it’s original condition.

You know that I am not picky on shoes, so any fabulous, brightly-colored or animal-print, 5inch+ heels would be greatly appreciated. While we are on the subject, a closet big enough to hold them all would be quite beneficial.

I would appreciate a beating for my Rockstar, since he has not yet found it necessary to answer my non-proposal. Please be sure not to leave any marks on him, because I would not want to be accused of abuse, and bruising would marr his perfectly-freckled face.

I would like one or two or five babies, preferably of assorted ethnicity. (because I hate to knock my own race, but white people be having some UGLY babies!) I would like it if they are mostly boys, because girls are just a pain in the ass. Also, a million or so dollars would be great with which to care for them.

Books. This is, I suppose, not really a necessity, since it has become tradition for my brother to gift me with an $85 gift card for Half-Priced Books, but if you have any spare room in your sleigh, you know what to do.

I was going to ask for french fries, but chances are they would be soggy before you get them to me, so I will just ask for an industial-sized fryer, and also one of those big freezers, so I can keep all the bags of Mcdonald’s french fries you will bring me frozen.

I suppose that is all for this year, because I know it will cost you a bundle to keep me satisfied. Remember to thank Mrs. Clause for keeping you fat, because I don’t plan on baking you any cookies this year.

Love, Sparklebumps

P.S. I forgot one thing. I’ve been asking my Rockstar for a stripper pole for the last few years, but he pretends he doesn’t hear me. If you can find the time, they are only $99 at Spencer Gifts.

P.P.S. If you can get Chris Meloni for me, I would squish my boobies against you for 30 seconds. Maybe 45.