Ten of Life’s Little Disappointments

As much as I’d like to say that every day is a Zippity-Doo-Dah one, there are just a few small trials we all must suffer through that cause a person to cry “Ay me!”

1. After consuming a particularly scrumptious McDonald’s meal, you reach into the bag from which such foody decadence has emerged and realize that there are no squishy, almost-cold bag fries to complete your meal.

2. When trying on clothes in your preferred department store, you realize that your butt is too large to fit in that pair of jeans you found on clearance, or your belly is in the way of zipping them up, or your boobs refuse to be contained in that adorable top you found, or your boobs are not sufficiently ample to fill out that fashionable frock you discovered. This experience is only made worse when you force yourself into said garments, and after discovering they don’t fit, you cannot remove them from your bloated body because your tits are too big and you are forced to call the shopgirl for assistance.

3. When you are daydreaming all day at work of feasting on a delicious bowl of Lucky Charms when you arrive home, only to notice that the milk is expired when you pull it out of the fridge.

4. When you go out for a nice dinner, and are excited to find that there are many hot and attractive female servers on duty, but you are gifted with the one gay guy as your host for the evening.

5. When you work and slave 60 hours a week, only to receive a check that is $200 less than you expected because those fuckers FICA dipped into it.

6. When you drink a lot of whiskey, or rum, or vodka, and have a thrilling and  quite amusing time, until you realize that a lot of whiskey, or rum, or vodka was actually too much, and you spend the rest of the night laying in front of the toilet.

7. When you find out Lady Gaga is finally bringing her tour to town, but the tickets are $160 for nosebleed seats.

8. When you get on the scale.

9. When your alarm clock goes off.

10. When you motion over that stripper that looks so hot on that guy’s lap over there, but as she gets closer, you realize she has a butterface and buck teeth.

Have a nice day.

I Hope You Don’t Dance

After my drunken post about giving a lap dance last night, (Yeah, sorry about that) I have decided that I must come clean.

I am Sparklebumps, and I cannot dance.

Though the desire to dance runs strongly through my veins, I cannot, under any circumstances, compel my feet to move in time with music. On the contrary, any time I have been coerced onto a dance floor, my feet become oddly rooted to the spot where I am standing, and no amount of goading or pushing from onlookers can coerce my body to frolic or covort. This becomes achingly more apparent every time I go to a wedding, where I am dragged out and encouraged to dance. My stoic non-movement has actually caused other dancers to pause in bewilderment, which only adds to my mortification. But I refuse to be one of those people who attempt to dance when they have no business doing so. Resembling an epileptic is not for me.

I believe my lack of talent on the dance floor stems from the fact that I was brought up Baptist, and dancing is considered the elusive 8th deadly sin. Despite the mention of dancing in the Bible (ahem, Baptists), the church and school I went to strictly forbade it. Just thinking of ALL those familys with 7 kids who will grow up to be as dance-deficient as I saddens me…

When observing people dancing, I am utterly fascinated, paying special attention to their feet and the way they move them. I am a firm believer that you can learn something just by watching someone do it. Unfortuneately, I would need to spend every spare moment of the rest of my life watching people dance to acquire this talent.

That is not to say that I lack natural rythm; no, in fact, I have, on occassion, been asked if I used to be a stripper. I do not find this offensive as some would, simply because if I can move my body in a way that looks good naked, it matters not if I don’t look good kicking my feet up to that annoying song Celebration. However, it is safe to say that I shall not be showing off my stripper-esque moves at the next family wedding.

I am quite certain that when Lee Ann Womack sang I Hope You Dance, she wanted to add the lyrics, “Except you, Sparklebumps.”

P.S. Oddly enough, I get a very very high score when dancing to Honkytonk Bedonkedonk on that Wii game…