Oh Most (In My Opinion) Un-Magnificent Ball of Sky Fire,
My mind is boggled by the harsh and cruel way you do treat me. I have done a good thing, of my own volition- I have offered to take my Rockstar’s Daughter to the beach- yet you seem intent on punishing me savagely for doing so.
I think it was not even 3 hours we spent under your shine, with sunscreen being re-applied multiple times, and yet today I feel uncomfortable heat on my shoulders, and must go to work sans face-powder, which will only make me looked as if caked in flour.
It seems you have had it in for me from even my years as a small child. I glaringly remember the lacking in my mother’s mothering when I came home from camping when I was 5 resembling a lobster with bleach-blonde hair. Too, I recall several trips to the cabin with my Ex-hubby when he refused to properly smear my Coppertone 45 across my exposed back, which led to his own discomfort as I whined pitifully through the night of my pain and suffering. I must point out to you, oh great and might Horus, ’tis not my own doing that I am descended from Scandanavian vampires. I seem to remember a line from the film The Exorcist that perfectly fits my problem- “Why?! Why you do this to me, Demi?!”
I realize that the cadaverous-like pale shade of my skin doth be a color that no SPF 30, 0r 45, or even 100 is able to protect. It’s true that the brightness of my white epidermis may rival your own glorious luminosity, and that is why you, dear Sun, are so intent on ruining me. If it be so, let this be a declaration of war.
However, I do not wish to obliterate you, Day Star, for our world would surely perish; I am not yet fully prepared to be mother to the Earth. And so, a truce must be met.
I promise not to tempt you with my pasty skin, and do solemnly vow to stay indoors or under shade trees whenever you are about. I implore you to take it easy on my ruined skin, for there are already many sun spots that are not freckles that mar my not-yet-forty-year-old skin. I am quite content being as pale as a Nicole Kidman Vampire, and I have half a mind to call Coppertone and Hawaiian Tropic out on their false advertising.
Sincerely (Because I have to be, you are a mightier being than I)