The Diary of Sparklebumps- May 28th, 1994

I came across one of my old diaries yesterday when I was going through my endless boxes of mementos. It started a few months before I turned thirteen, and it’s frickin’ hilarious, so I have to share. I’ve changed the names, but anybody who actually knew me then would know exactly who’s who. This will be a little mini-series on my blog, because I was surprised how long I actually kept writing in it. (Almost 5 whole months!) It’s pretty sad that I was as boy-crazy as I was at that age. I included notes so you understand what the hell I’m talking about. Enjoy!

Dustin and Sandy (my best friend’s at the time brother) got married today. There were so many candles! Kelly (best friend) got to light a bunch of candles, but they wouldn’t stay lit. The bridesmaid’s dresses were peach. The Kellers (a fellow church family)  were there, and I think Jeff’s (their son) kinda cute. He’s not as cute as Cory (a boy I had a crush on) or Ethan (another boy I had a crush on) , though. I remember a long time ago when I brought my Caity (an old friend) to church a few times. We used to stare at him during the whole service. She said he had “cute little dimples.” It was so funny. Only one more week of school! I can’t wait! Next year I’ll be in Ethan’s class. I think Kelly likes him, but she likes Cory more. She thinks he’s going to ask her. Well, I guess we will find out!

It’s the End of Neuroticism as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

To some people, their current lives are the result of one “AHA” moment in time when they say, “Enough’s enough. My life is going to vastly change from this second on.” For others, it is a back-and-forth battle with tears and much boob sweat, orgasms and sucker punches. Usually the second kind of people are suffering from mental health issues, or are born under a Libra sky. Whatever the case, I would most definitely agree that I am of the second and (in my opinion) more interesting sort- and yes, I suffer from both an indecisive Libra birth and un-medicated mental health issues.

You all know by now that of my own volition, I have been married, divorced, been called a cunt, accepted barrenness, and have made a few friends (and enemies) all while writing about it occasionally and refusing to seek treatment for my shoe and book addictions. I must admit, immediately after my divorce, my Rockstar was right to accuse me of “neediness and instability.” In my defense, after a twelve year relationship, I had every right to suffer these inadequacies. Still, I am pleased to announce that while not completely healed of my self-inflicted scars, I have accepted my faults, and since people still believe in my general awesomeness, it seems, released them.

Throughout my three year relationship with my Rockstar, it’s true that neuroticism and anxiety has reigned supreme. Perhaps it was because I was worried he might not have feelings for me, or perhaps it was because I was afraid I might be wasting my time trying to become an acceptable step-mother figure, or perhaps it was just because my Rockstar was too male-minded to realize what he’d not have if I decided to leave. I understand his irritation at tears I may have shed, as well as I understand the reason for the tears themselves. It’s taken me awhile to notice that sometimes, guys just don’t get it.

After talking to an old acquaintance the other day, despite the fact that I despise my job and sometimes my apartment, I was pleased to discover that all is right in my world. I have found the strong and independent woman who decided to leave her husband all those years ago even though she knew it would hurt, and I am perfectly content with my Rockstar, whether he will admit his Lovedom of me or not. It seems he has accepted my histrionic disorders, and tries his best to cater to them though he might not understand.

I know, you ask- “What little consequence is it to us, your readers,  that you have finally become instability-free and happy? Write about something interesting already!”

To you, I say- Without my anxiety, there will be many more delightful and witty posts for you to read. And anyhoo, this is MY blog, bitches! And while the entire world is maybe not always about me, my blog world most certainly is. So there. XOXO