Tag Archives: Transformers

You Ain’t All That and a Basket of Crinkle Fries, Megan Fox


Dear Megan Fox,

I realize there are a good many Transformers fans who lust after you, therefore elevating  your ego to contemptable levels. No worries- I am here to point out all your noticeable flaws in hopes of deflating your narssicism back to a more acceptable altitude.

In order the further have my readers canonize me, (and to keep from looking like a completely heartless bitch) I shall first state that I truly admire the inking you’ve had administered to your skinnage. The placement and quotes you’ve chosen are surprisingly lovely. Now that that butt-suckage is out of the way, let the Fox Bashing begin. (Is that the celeb version of seal clubbing, I wonder?)

I have noticed in various interviews you’ve given that you seem to be striving for Angelinaesque shock value. Let me just point out, you are not as talented as she, nor is your kisser bee-stung enough to obtain such status. (No matter how ridiculously you pucker up.) I believe if you were offered a role as a committed sociopath, there would surely be no Oscar in it for you. Crazy people don’t go around posing under hoods of broken-down cars. You’re only strength would therefore prove utterly worthless.

I recognize that the brooching of the next subject may be considered a low blow, but I am not above that. (Notice the clever wordplay there.) It is understood that you had no control over the development of your thumbs, but it would be advisable to go ahead and request a clause in all your ensuing contracts concerning the filming (or the hoped NON-filming) of them. It is in your best interest not to further advertise that you sport the digits of a chimpanzee. As far as wearing your thumbs in public- it’s about time someone brought opera gloves back in style.

If I have not sufficiently offended you yet, let me continue…

I recall a PSA you took part in concerning children’s education not long ago. I find it quite humorous that a person who has made a career of supplying teen boys with spank bank material is also concerned with the mental welfare of said teens. I thought perhaps such interest was to impress your much-older now-husband Brian Austin Green after you realized he found your acting uninspirational. Do not be alarmed; I’m certain his feelings for your are sincere. After all, he is an aging former almost-teen star from BH 90210, and you are a much-googled money train. I wish you both every happiness.

My Rockstar and I agree on one thing concerning you- there’s something wrong with your face. He is convinced it’s because his cock isn’t in it, while I have concluded that you’ve just spent too much time in front of the mirror trying to impersonate Angelina’s nearly-perfect pout. Either way, it’s not very good for you.

I guess that’s all I have to say.

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

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Pros and Cons of a Friday


Here’s a list of Pros and Cons of my day so far:

Pro: I have very smooth shaven legs today.

Con: I had to waste time shaving my legs.

Pro: Devina, the very nice T-Mobile associate I spoke to this morning, told me I had nothing to worry about when I asked her to make sure my service wasn’t disconnected today because of non-payment.

Con: I have gut rot today.

Pro: I got to see a beauteous GT Mustang on my way to work.

Con: I got to sit in traffic and breath in fresh tar fumes on my way to work.

Pro: It’s Pay Day!

Con: After I pay my bills, I will have no money left.

Pro: I’m wearing comfy yoga pants that make my butt look cute. (I think.)

Con: Sadly, heels don’t go with yoga pants, so I’m wearing non-cute shoes today.

Pro: Optimus Prime looks very “Optimum” on my Transformers T-shirt due to the extra sweater meat I possess.

Con: When I put my Transformers T-shirt on today, I was dismayed to see that it has acquired a tiny hole. (I wore it anyway.)

Pro: I got to jam out to ACDC’s Shook Me All Night Long on the way to work.

Con: The middle-aged paunchy man in the scary white van next to me was watching me jam out to ACDC’s Shook Me All Night Long.

Pro: My Rockstar bought me a lovely Cold Stone Creamery cake for my birthday last night. (What a honey!)

Con: My Rockstar is working over-time, so I didn’t get morning sex today. (Boo. Friday morning sex is our thing.)

Pro: I got a free large pizza coupon last night for completing my orientation as a Pizza Slut.

Con: If I order my free pizza today at work, I will eat it. All.

Pro: I was going to send my Rockstar a very fun nudey text to brighten his day.

Con: I realized I deleted all my fun nudey pics from my phone.

Have a Happy Friday, my Lovelys! XOXO

 

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