To the Makers of my Rockstar’s Undies

Dear Undertech,

My Rockstar recently purchased a package of your silky boxer briefs. While I appreciate the fun and vibrant graphics that your company chose to place on panties designed for men’s crotchal areas, I must point out that I KNOW what you’re trying to do. You are trying to distract people from the fact that you have placed no convenient hole for peeing and other more exciting activities on the front of your Butt Duds.

I will explain the source of my disappointment.

While my Rockstar and I were driving the many miles back home from the desert wastelands of South Dakota this week, I found myself slightly bored and without entertainment. I had already belted out all the favorite songs I have off of my MP3 player, and needed something more to stimulate my me. And so without further ado, I unzippered my Rockstar’s very fun rust-colored plaid short and stuck my hand inside to see what would happen. Imagine my delight when my hand slid repeatedly over the silkiness of his new underoos and the friction was enough to produce a mentionable boner! I unbuckled my seatbelt and proceeded to ready myself to administer a Sparklebumps Special. If you’ve not heard of those- how sad for you. Anyhoo, I found my busy hand searching unsuccessfully for a button, or an opening sufficient enough to dislodge my Rockstar’s waiting erection from it’s satiny prison, but alas! There was none to be found. In the end, my Rockstar was forced to push down his paradisically-colored boxer briefs in order to receive his intended blowjob.

As a company that thrives off of purchasing customers, I would just like to point out how dangerous it could be that any man who buys your product would have to flex and struggle to remove his panties while driving in order to receive a blowjob. How much safer would it be to just create a small opening to release penises that should be receiving desired oral attentions? Do we really want yahoos swerving around on our roads just because an underoo was mistaken to not include an exit hole? I think not!

My Rockstar fully intended to purchase more of your colorfully silky male lingerie at a later date, but I have convinced him of the unwise-ness of that decision. I have also informed him that he may only wear said undies when he is NOT expecting favored favors.

I feel that in the future, you will think harder on your underoo design, Undertech.

Irritatingly,

Sparklebumps

The Woes of Underpants

Underwear just piss me right off.

To little 15 yr olds: I don’t need to see the ENTIRE string of your v-string under your lowrise jeans. I realize you wish to convey to horny teen boys that you are quite ready to give up your virginity to them (or at least are the kind of girl that will do anything BUT), but there are other ways to let these lucky lucky boys know- like sexting them.

To fat ladies: panty lines under stretchy pants- not good. I understand that any v-string or thong you women would wear in an attempt to fix this disaster would be lost in the folds of excess skin that has settled around your waste, and so, to prevent my eyes from being assaulted by the outline of your granny panties, please cease to wear stretchy pants until further notified of a more favorable solution.

As far as wearing underwear: Thongs- yes, please give me something with which to floss any stray fecal matter from my crack. Bikinis – yes, I realize I have a stellar physique, unfortuneately it does not come complete with hips to hold up bikini undies. And everything else-gets bunchy under my faux leather leggings.

Buying underwear: to Victorias Secret- seriously?! $18 for a piece of string and a triangle of cotton? (Sadly, I fell for this terrible ploy and ended up owing Victoria MANY dollars before I realized I would not look like a model in her underwear) To Walmart: washing a pair of your underwear should not make them disintegrate.

THEREFORE, I claim this day as  Commando Day. HOO- RAH.