Tag Archives: Vince Neil

Baby, I Don’t Think We’re in Sturgis Anymore

Some people long for adventure. I happen to be one of those people.

I daydream often of spitting off of the Empire State Building, of sacrificing a human being to the Sun god on the top of an Aztec ruin, of standing on the rail of a doomed ship holding my arms up and screaming, “I’m the King of the World!” just before it hits an iceberg and my fat-ass girlfriend refuses to share her floating driftwood and I freeze to death before sinking to the bottom of the ocean; my remains fodder for Jaws, the Great and Powerful.

Perhaps I am descended from Gypsies, though I’ve not heard of any statuesque blonde Scandanavian gypsy folk, or perhaps my apartment is so crappy that I simply have the urge to go anywhere that isn’t home. Whatever the case, I feel that I do not have to justify or explain my desire to lay eye on the biggest motorcycle rally in the country.
My Rockstar finds this desire to be completely insane and ultimately the  source of my imminent demise. While I would find it interesting and quite exciting to grab a beer with burly men (and women) sporting leather chaps and Harley bandanas, my Rockstar is convinced if we were to venture and stay at the designated campgrounds that millions of people stay in every year during Bike Week,  we would surely be designated as bait for any motorcycle gang initiation rites. Luckily, Kid Rock is playing at said campground, so after three years, I was able to convince R that a good time could be had by all, no gang rapes or ass branding included.

After spending last Sunday planning our choice of poison, which included going to see Kid Rock, the Black Crowes, Jackyl, Jasmine Cain, and Vince Neil, my Rockstar received a phone call from his brother, and informed him of our plan. Little did I know, his brother was intent on ruining our perfect childless-friendly getaway. Rockstar hung up the phone and said the words I never knew I would dread to hear- “He say nobody should go into those campgrounds after dark.”

My heart dropped. Was I thinking of what a gang of horny biker dudes might do to someone with buzooms of my size or someone with such an irrestistable ass as my Rockstar? No. I was thinking that I might never know, and that my Rockstar needed to quit being a pussy and suck it up. What fun is life if you never have to worry about getting your ass kicked by a 250 lb. woman who looks like a man?

Anyhoo, I threw in the towel. I realized that my Rockstar may just not be woman enough to want to run for Miss Broken Spoke 2013, and making him surround himself with the Sons of anarchy before he’s ready would just be an incredible waste of my money. So we’re going to Vegas for my birthday in October instead, where the women are cost exhorbitant amounts of money,  and the men are showgirls.


Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized

Drunken Sweet Nothings

I am not feeling especially inspired this day for some reason so I have decided to share with you the drunken ramblings of my Rockstar. For starters, I must tell you that in our entire relationship, the man has never once told me he loves me, or even that he likes me just a little bit…in those words, at least. This, at times, has been quite irksome to me, seeing as how I am all about the Love and telling people how you feel and blablabla. After broaching this subject with him, my Rockstar simply said, “I don’t think you have to say it. A person should be able to tell how you feel by the way you act.” True, I suppose, but irritating. Anyhoo, I have gotten over the fact that he refuses to profess his undying love for me, partially due to the semi-sweet and sometimes silly things he tells me when he’s drunk. Here we go:

“I want you to only cling to me”- the text he sent me before I was his “official” girlfriend, he felt it necessary to claim me because his ex-co-worker was hanging around trying to boink me. He may not have been drunk for this one, but then again, I had left my husband only a week before… what sober person wants to deal with that?

“I think we should make you a model”– said after a discussion about his ex-wife (who is a model resembling a tranny), apparently whiskey gives a person beer goggles and I am exceptionally attractive and worth $10,000 a minute (to a drunk person)

“You have a rock-and-roll booty” – the only compliment I’ve received from him in regards to my physique. Funny, my mom called it a bubble-butt, and she made it sound like a bad thing.

“She’s not as cute as you”– a blatant lie which was a response to me praising Carrie Underwood’s beauty.

“I think you are needy and unstable, 2 things I really don’t like about you”- OK, this was NOT a sweet nothing, and he wasn’t drunk either, but this was during the Summer of Hell after I had left my husband and was going through some shit. It’s been the only harsh thing he’s ever said to me. And I could have told him that I am BOTH needy and unstable if he had asked.

“I think we make a good pair”- the closest thing he’s ever said that sounds like he doesn’t want me going anywhere.

“Vince likes models. If you had been in the front row, Nikki would have taken you home”- a statement made after my Rockstar read Nikki Sixx’s Heroin Diaries. He was discussing the fact that Nikki always fucked girls that were “different”, and Vince Neil went only for the model types. Not warranted information, but I suppose it’s good to know I’d never have a chance with Vince. This was accompanied by a “You’re kind of odd looking”- which he claims was meant in a good way…

“I think you can control me very well”- a sex observation (you didn’t think I was going to leave those out, did you? 😉 ) A comment admiring my… authoritative abilities in the sack.

“I haven’t kicked you out yet”- a statement issued after I asked how our relationship compares to his past relationships. To which I replied, “Why would anyone kick me out?” His response? “Yeah, I’m pretty lucky.” It’s good he realizes it!

“He’s been all over the world, and he’s never found someone like you”- a comment made after a discussion about Shaun Morgan from the band Seether, after I said he looked sad in his music videos.

Maybe it’s not poetry, but his way with words impresses me, at least a litle bit. XOXO


Filed under Beauty, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized

Whiskey Kisses

The following post has not been rated due to the mature content. So by all means, keep reading!

I think it is really no secret that I loves the Sex. I love to watch it; I love to do it; I love to read about it; and I love to talk about it. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I was raised to NOT talk about it, to NOT do it, or to NOT even think about it. Who knows, but I do believe the morals my parents tried so desperately to instill in me backfired. At least just a little bit. That is not to say that I in any way resemble the girls from Sex and the City, because I could count on one hand the guys I’ve slept with, it just so happens that I have decent taste in men, so there has been no need to dispose of them as quickly as those girls do. Alas, my first relationship was somewhat devoid of mind-blowing Sex. Not completely- we DID do it once in a parking garage inside a step-side stickshift regular cab Ford ranger. (Yes, it was a tight squeeze.) But fortunately, with my Rockstar, I now have pretty fun sex quite frequently. I am a bit more adventurous than he is (no butt sex or spanking for him!) but really, that’s quite aright. I am just open to more things. But yes, he would be just fine sharing me with another girl (what guy wouldn’t?) Anyhoo, I am getting off track.

My Rockstar and I have a good time drinking, as well. I don’t know if this is normal in a relationship (as I have only been in 2), but we can entertain ourselves quite well, especially with a little whiskey or peach schnapps. Tip a few back, turn on some tunes, and it’s a mosh pit.  Also, whiskey is very beneficial in educating a person. I have learned that you must be careful jumping around on the bed with a microphone near your face,  heard numerous stories of past Exes, and found out that my boyfriend sings like Vince Neil. (At least he did when I was drunk.) I have also realized that we make a huge mess in the kitchen when we are drunkards. C’est la vie.

Porn is also very fun to watch when you are inebriated. I don’t know about you, but I love porn! I have been fascinated with it ever since me and my used-to-be friend Catherine found her dad’s Playboys. At least you men out there would agree with me- BOOBIES ARE FUN! It is also fun to find out you are the first person to give your 40 yr old boyfriend a blowjob while watching porn. Yay, me.

Basically, if you have never spent a night drinking with your significant other, try it! You may get to talking and learn somethin about them you never would have otherwise, or you may end up having sex in a different way, or maybe you will just end up having a steamy make-out session. And even if that’s all you do, just remember, at least you were probably too drunk to care if he had whiskey breath. XOXO


Filed under Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized