Tag Archives: waitress

A Thank You Letter to Shitty Tippers


To Whom It May Concern,

I have taken it upon myself to show my gratitude for your extremely benevolent behavior toward me during my past 17 years of service for you. As you have so courteously treated me, so now will I return the favor.

I would like to thank those tippers from large groups or big families who insist on paying the substantial bill for their obnoxious get-togethers. It is true, I noticed you trying to get the best deal out of me when ordering your food, as I also noticed how you flinched when another member of your party ordered additional appetizers without checking with you. I am indebted to you for the 5% tip you left as you paid with hundred dollars bills. The  horrendous mess your gathering left behind- the crayons littering the floor, the parmesan cheese dumped into leftover beverages, the ketchup that so eloquently spelled out the name of the birthday girl on the table- most certainly made up for the missing 15%.

To the “family” man who was forced to bring his toddler boys out in order to give his wife a Girl’s Night Out- my sincerest gramercy. I appreciated that you so graciously thought to leave me an entire dollar as you towed your little shitkins out after they left my coworkers and I with headaches because of their incessant screaming. Your  largess, and your decision  to leave an upturned bowl of spaghetti all over the floor has shown me exactly what I don’t want in a husband.

To the elderly peeps who believe that “two bits” is an acceptable tip- trust that if ever you find yourself in a nursing home in your last years and I am lucky enough to be employed there, I will show you and your full Depends the same courtesies you have bestowed upon me these many long years.

And finally, to the endless list of people who cannot even be bothered to tip at all- I promise to pray for you. I pray that you are warmed by the hottest fires of the deepest hells; I pray that your children are carted off by the Slender Man, and I pray that you will be arrested by military officials and forced to listen to Taylor Swift songs for the entirety of your despicable lives.

With my  deepest appreciation and most passionate loathing,

Sparklebumps

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Lament Of An Aged Waitress


It was a dark and dreary morning. Beneath a bundle of white fluffiness that was down comfort, frizzy curls the color of a New York fire engine poked out here and there. The person connected to the flaming tresses was deep in slumber, dead to the world. She was exhausted from a hectic night of working as a pizza slut; when she had arrived home the night before, she hadn’t even attempted to awaken the one-eyed snake known as the Rockstar’s dick. This was highly unusual for a sex-crazed woman such as she.

Before she had gone to bed, she had stripped in the bathroom, intent on washing the grime and odor of pepperoni and cheese bread from her pale skin. While she suds up in the shower, her eyelids became heavy with sleep from the warmth of the water pounding down on her in erratic bursts. She lacked the energy even to muster a sigh at the ridiculousness of the her situation.

After blow-drying her ass, (which had become a custom after her investigation of the Rockstar had suggested that this was the thing to do), she dragged her weary body into bed, wishing as she did so that she could sleep for all eternity.

BEEP BEEBEEBEEEP! BEEP BEEBEEBEEP! The sound she most abhorred reached her sleep-muddled brain. As she reached to stop her alarm from uttering it’s morning wake up call, her body creaked in protest. After many months of wearing her rockin’ high heels to work, her legs were unaccustomed to wearing the unfashionable faux-leather flats that she was now forced to wear to work, which made her blend in with the NORMAL people. After rolling out of bed (barely catching herself before hitting the floor), she crept to the bathroom to pee, her walk resembling the swagger of a cowboy to long in the saddle. As she plopped unceremoniously down on the great white throne in the water closet, her joints cracked and Sparklebumps thought to herself, “I’m too old for this shit.”

True story.

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Filed under Humor, Life, Uncategorized, Work