Tag Archives: Walmart

The Road to Perdition


This post may prove that I will never completely be Hannah Homemaker. I have just come from Hell. No, I do not mean that figuratively, because I honestly don’t see how swimming a lake of fire for all of eternity could be worse than making a trip to the purgatory known as the Grocery Store. It matters not that I made the journey armed with a grocery list and my handy-dandy re-usable bags; no, the demon money-grubbers assaulted me, inconspicuously  seizing my dollars while tricking me into thinking I was getting deals.

One of the things I have discovered while taking care of my Beloveds is that it is fatal to one’s pocketbook to attempt grocery shopping without an afore-made list. This became apparent the first time I ventured to the store to procure sustenence for my Lovelys and cruised through the aisles, tossing in this and that, thinking to myself, “This is only a dollar. That is only a dollar.” When the woman behind the counter rang my items up, to my horror, the total on my bill continued to exceed my expected budget, and she was not yet through scanning. I vowed then and there never again to buy something that wasn’t on the list.

I believe my utter loathing of the grocery store stems from the fact that until I was nearly 29, frequent trips to said destination were unheard of. As I have explained in the past, I and or my hubby worked at a restaurant, so cooking was quite unnecessary. When I got divorced, I had a grand idea that I was going to cook a Thanksgiving dinner in my new apartment for my Rockstar and his Daughter. When I announced this plan, my Rockstar was, shall we say, doubtful. When I patrolled the aisled of Cashwise for an hour in search of the brown-n-serve rolls, ( which I never DID find), I should have thrown in the towel right then. Luckily, I bolted to the parking lot before every customer could see the basket case formerly known as Sparklebumps burst into tears. Beware- unsuccessful quests for dinner rolls may result in tears.

As my trip to Hades progressed today, I was becoming more and more preturbed that different grocery stores have different prices. It is one of my customs that I refuse to pay $1 more for caramel coffee creamer when I know I can get it cheaper somewhere else. Or anything else for that matter. This has resulted in much wasted time, creating TWO shopping lists- the one for Walmart, and the one for whatever grocery store has sales that week. I despise Walmart for being the only place that has Cabot cheese (which you must simply go out and find RIGHT NOW if you’ve never tried it), as my Rockstar’s food supply is not complete without a $9 block of cheese that will clog his arteries. Too, I was irritated to find no torillas that were satisfactorly soft. Now I must go into the shitty stink-assed locally owned grocer to procure some.

What’s that? Why don’t I send my Rockstar, you ask? Yes, of course that would make perfect sense, except I tried that once. It will not happen again. I provided him with an EXACT list of what to get, extra dollars just in case, and a warning- “GET ONLY WHAT’S ON THE LIST.” He returned with only half of the list, 6 bags of chips, no moneys, and an observation- “I think you’re a more thrifty shopper than I am.” Ummm, yeah. I believe he did that on purpose, because he knows if he messes up once I will never ever ask him to do it again. I will do it myself. (Bastard.)

When I am rich and famous, the first thing I am going to buy is a little minion to do my grocery shopping for me.

P.S. It never fails. Every time I get to the front to pay, there is something in THE BACK of the store I remember I forgot to grab.

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Filed under Family, Food, Humor, Life, Money, Uncategorized

November the 1st


Happy November, my Lovelys! I have decided that this day shall hereafter be proclaimed a worldwide Sparklebumps holiday, along with the day after Thanksgiving, the Saturday before Halloween, and my birthday. Today shall be called Half-Off Candy Day. Yes, I no longer shall feel bitter about the diminutive bowl of candy that my Rockstar nefariously stole from me, AFTER I stole it from his work party, because I have just come from the Aisles of Target, where all Halloween candy has been marked down for my convenience.

I was going to attempt a trip to Walmart, since their Aisle of Candy dwarfs any other retail store’s, but I was not fully prepared to have my eyes assaulted by Walmartians today. So off to Target I went, where customers of every ilk were zooming the Halloween aisles, preparing for next year’s Monster Bashes. I weasled my way through carts with squalling babes, and old women sorting through the pumpkin-shaped cookie cutters, to procure exactly 7 bags of the best and most saliva-inducing treats. I realized that I should have gotten a cart, or at least one of those annoying little basket things that weigh a ton after you have placed one item in them.

I was slightly flustered by the Halloween Edition Barbie that my eyes beheld, as the box she was in proclaimed “HALLOWEEN TREAT! BARBIE”. I looked closer and saw no candy included with Barb; the only “treat” I could almost see was the one that was beneath her disturbingly short puff skirt- this is a time when I am gladdened that Barbie is not quite anatomically correct. However, I feel that they should have placed Barbie’s treat in the Man Aisle, because any woman who would buy for her kid a Barbie that was dressed to turn tricks should be shot.

Anyhoo, as I made my way to the front of the store, with my arms laden down with my sugary loot, I noticed people staring. I’m not sure if it was my greasy hair that I didn’t have time to wash before going to town, or the fact that I was carrying enough candy to feed Australia. But I raised my chin up in an act of defiance at their judgemental stares, and proceeded to the checkout, where I received the same look from the girl behind the counter. I said, “What? I like candy. And this is just enough for me. If I had to share, there would be more.”

P.S. My Rockstar has let me know that he does not wish to know the amount of candy I bought.

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Filed under Food, Humor, Life, Uncategorized