Thirty-Fucking-Four

Damn, I’m old.

Yes, yes, I realize that a good many people out there are much older than I, but having celebrated my birthday just yesterday and realizing I’ve accomplished not all that much has made me feel incredibly aged.

It is true, I’m much wiser than my 33-year-old self was, having experienced child-birth and having lived with an almost step-child every day for the past year. For this I suppose I am grateful. However, there are some downfalls to growing older….

I have less patience for mankind as the years go by- my theory that most people are assholes has been proven again and again over the past year. While I was willing to overlook such trivialities in the past, as the years go by, I more frequently find myself daydreaming of a time when  I can walk through a parking lot without having a farmer hanky blown in my direction, and the imbeciles on the roads are restricted from operating motor vehicles.

I realize how non-existant my will power has become- I am not my perfect goal weight. I have not finished writing my best-seller. I haven’t learned any languages, or trained the dog to quit barking, or finished painting the mural in my basement bathroom. Boo on me.

I feel like I’m eighty most of the time- this may have something to do with the fact that I am not at my goal weight. And that my diet consists of Caribou Coffee and French fries. And that my chosen form of working out is walking out to the mailbox daily to see if a million dollar check has arrived yet.

Whatever. At least I still look good.

30

Happy Birthday to me! I suppose I am a little bit sad that I can no longer say that I’m in my 20’s. And in reflection, it is a tad disheartening how little I’ve accomplished in my 30 years. But let’s not dwell on that, shall we? I plan to have a perfect day, sitting on my ass and not doing anything while wearing my very beautiful prom dress and looking fabulous. I actually DID plan to start drinking at 9AM, as I have never done that before, but sadly, I have a job interview this afternoon. While I have no doubt my interviewer would be highly entertained by a drunken me, the chances of getting hired would be minimal, me thinks. As I was reflecting on  my very lengthy life, I thought of a few things. So here is a list of 30 things I’ve learned in my 30 years. I do not claim that this is great wisdom, but they ARE things that are kind of beneficial to know, all the same.

1.Smiling does NOT always make you feel better, but if you do it anyway, it may make someone ELSE feel better.

2.Getting married doesn’t magically make everything better.

3.Getting divorced doesn’t magically make everything better either, but sometimes it helps a little.

4.Jesus will always be there for you, but He doesn’t talk alot and He says no alot when you ask Him for stuff.

5.Peach Schnapps in water is the only alcoholic beverage one can drink in excessive quantities at accelerated rates that won’t make you hurl.

6. Great sex is NOT a good enough reason for two people to get married, but the lack of it in a marriage is detrimental.

7.Money won’t buy you happiness, but life’s a bitch when you don’t have any, and so is the IRS.

8.The more you read, the less stupid you are.

9.An awesome pair of heels will ALWAYS get you noticed by someone. Not necessarily the someone you wanted.

10.Sleep is the best pasttime- but also a complete WASTE of time.

11.Women are prettier naked than men.

12. “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s probably going to want a glass of milk to go with it.” (Thank you, Laura Numeroff.)

13.It’s not worth it to be anorexic, because people will just say you’re too skinny, and you’ll miss out on French fries.

14.Always go when you see a bathroom, because you will never be sorry that you DIDN’T pee your pants.

15.Cooking on medium heat is safest, because when you burn it on high, it doesn’t take as long, but it doesn’t taste as good either.

16.I will always love grilled cheeses.

17.There will always be time to wash the dishes later, but if you wait that long, the job is much ickier.

18.Being a waitress sucks, but having to wait 2 weeks between paychecks sucks worse.

19.Over-dressed is better that under-dressed. Unless you are on a farm or camping.

20.There IS such a thing as love at first sight.

21.My hair will not fall out if I bleach and dye it 3 or 4 times within a week.

22.A cheater isn’t always a cheater.

23.Going commando is sometimes a necessity.

24. Men will not generally say no to a blow job.

25.Always say yes. (except for when someone offers you a concrete mixer or a stranger asks you to get in his car.)

26. Don’t forget to swing at the playgroung once in a while.

27.Taylor Swift’s lyrics may improve in time, but her voice won’t.

28.When a cop tries to pull you over for speeding, going faster isn’t a good idea, but it’s DAMN fun.

29. Alone Time is a good thing, just not ALL the time.

30.There is always time for hugs.

 

P.S. I had 31, but I put it in a p.s. so it doesn’t throw off my whole theme.

“When I keep my eyes open, I can read with much more speed. You have to be a speedy reader, ’cause there’s just so, so much to read!” (Dr. Seuss knows his stuff.)