Please forgive my absence. I maintain that I was abducted by The Fourth Kind and forced to perform fellatio on little green men with luminous eyes and surprisingly large members.
Anyhoo, I have returned, and seem to have found the sparkly person who is myself once again. Whew, it was a LOT of work convincing those guys to forego the whole probe thing.
It is hoped that you have not all suffered as Julianne Moore did in the film The Forgotten- as in, you all didn’t go around wondering where Sparklebumps were, while having family members and shrinks trying to convince you I never existed. I have been, and always will be, thanks to a little thing called the internet. Not to worry.
This week has been filled with many dreams, and nightmares too. I’ve awakened in a cold sweat after dreaming about the looming $4.99 pizza buffet that is upon me, and dreamed that my old boss at the bookstore where I got fired was upset at the loss in sales, and issued me a letter begging me to apologize for my snarky comments about his brother-in-law, my former cock-sucking manager. In my dream, I was also accused of a torrid affair with said boss by his not-terrible-looking wife, and convinced her I would never stoop to such a level unless she herself were included.
Lastly, I had the pleasure of dining this evening on the gourmet cooking of Panda Express, and was delighted to read my, for once, good fortune: Your dreams of glamour and luxury will come true.
And to that, I have just one thing to say-
It’s about fucking time.