Evading the Uprising


There comes a day in every adult’s life when he or she must make the choice to risk their very safety in order to use their carefully-clipped penny saving coupons. Today was that day for me.

I left work dreading the task looming before me. As if I did not already abhor grocery shopping anyway, the Cashwise in my city wickedly decided to advertise dollar saving deals on Doritos and other life-sustaining foodstuffs. I planned my assignment with the skills of a Navy SEALS ninja.

I seemed to have forgotten my riot shield, as I was not expecting masses of people stocking up for the approaching zombie apocolpyse, and so I hunkered down into a defensive pose as I laid my re-usable grocery bags in the seat of my cart, all the while clutching my purse, preparing to use it as a battering weapon if necessary. I looked down, refusing to make eye contact with other people crazy enough to try to get their two-for-one Oreos, afraid my own insanity would be reflected in their eyes.

I made  a pitstop at the coupon bin, keeping my cart between myself and the elderly lady frantically searching for the free Malt-O-Meal coupon. I found what I needed, and proceeded to bound through the fruit aisle at a self-preserving speed, stopping only long enough to pick up a seedless watermelon marked down to $4.98. As I did so I couldn’t help snickering to myself that I finally had a melon in my hand that was bigger than my own “melons”.

I repeatedly flipped through my handful of coupons, intent on not missing an item and having to risk backtracking through the money-grubbing throng. I debated on whether to get Hershey caramel chocolate coffee creamer or French Vanilla before madly tossing both on top of my free bananas and scotching outta there before I was rammed by the overweight man in the sweat pants.

I maneuvered my growing-heavy cart down the frozen foods aisle, ignoring the call of the new Cool Whip Frosting, and hastily grabbed two delicious looking tubs of ice cream, only to realize when I got around the corner that the tubs I had the coupon for were on the endcap. I threw my hands up before throwing the unwanted tubs in the place of the two I grabbed. (Shhh, you know you’ve done it too.) I zoomed past the candybar aisle, resisting temptation, before coming to a screeching halt in the shortest checkout line that sported a not-retarded looking checkout dude.

Sadly, in my extreme speed, I failed to notice the elderly couple in front of me who had been unable to locate said sale Malt-O-Meal. I looked on, pretending to smile politely when all I really wanted to do was shove grampa and gramma into their carts and push them off to the old people’s home. At last, their Malt-O-Meal was found, only to find out it wasn’t what they were looking for. Finally, I was cashed out and bagged up, only to realize when I got loaded into my truck that my endorphins were pumping, and I zoomed home in record time for absolutely no reason.

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5 Comments

Filed under Food, Humor, Life, Money, Uncategorized

5 responses to “Evading the Uprising

  1. I laughed until the retarded comment. You should never use that word to get laughs. Sorry.

    • I don’t use that word to get laughs. I’m sorry if it offended you, but I use the term loosely, and people need to not get their undies in a bunch when I use it, cuz I am not an offensive person.

      • There is really no using it loosely, and maybe only people with mentally handicapped family members who once were commonly described as retarded can understand that, or be sensitive enough to not use it as you did. I don’t want to get in a pissing match, and won’t comment again, but there is no disclaimer that makes referring to someone as retarded acceptable.

      • I’m sure there is something offensive to someone in every post I write. No one is forcing anyone to read my blog. If you think I use that word in malice or hatred or that there is ANY prejudice in me, you haven’t paid attention to any of my other posts.

  2. I’ve come to equate shopping with coupons to driving across town to save a penny per gallon on gasoline. I’ve tried for many years to take advantage of coupon savings only to learn that the pennies I save are not nearly enough to compensate for the brains cells that I kill and the blood pressure medicine that results from such shopping sprees.

    I figure the few extra dollars that I spend is better than posting bail when I ultimately implode.

    Fun post! Quite an adventure! You ROCK!

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