I have decided to compose this letter to convey the gratitude I feel to you for gracing the world with your unrivalled acting skills. It is only you, Sir Tony, who is able to portray a horrifically disturbed cannibal such as Hannibal Lector and still have enough charisma to make me want to dine with you. (Minus any human-based hors d’oeuvres)
Despite your ripened age, you seem to be unaltered- that may be partially due to the fact that you have looked old for many years, much like Willie Nelson. Your work ethic is admirable; you seem to be unslowed in recent years, still portraying demented and fantastic characters, such as the demon-possessed priest in The Rite– only you, Tony, could play an 80 year old man with the Devil inside of him with such refinement. And though you are not particularily attractive, I find myself drawn to you in a slightly perverse Anna-Nicole Smith- sort of way.
Perhaps it is because the of the moment in Legends of the Fall after you had had a stroke and you were so filled with joy at having your family reunited that makes you so alluring to me. Even though you went through the second half of that movie looking unwashed and sporting a stogie while being completely unintelligable, you made me want to sit down on your lap and have a conversation with you.
I was slightly disturbed by your performance as C.S. Lewis in Shadowlands, however. While The Chronicles of Narnia are among my top favorite children’s books, I very much disliked your emotionally-stunted C.S. Do not get me wrong, your work was stellar- I just prefer you as a highly-intelligent cannibal instead of a man not quite in touch with his emotions.
That reminds me, too, of your Van Helsing in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Your excitement at discovering “the whore of the Devil” was made complete by your crazed dance. I should like to dance crazed with you at any time if you should so feel the need for company.
Since you are a Sir, Sir Anthony, I am assuming that you own a castle, or something comparable to a castle. If you need a maid, or a mistress with a supply of Viagra, or a mistress dressed as a maid with a supply of Viagra, I am your gal. If you need someone to play opposite you in a movie where you play a deranged cannibal or a demented doctor, I will gladly do that as well.