Things I Can Imagine About Myself If I Don’t Look In A Mirror


I have a problem with mirrors. As in, I look great if I don’t look into one. My self -confidence is at such a level that I can sashay around feeling glamorous and stunning; until I look in the mirror ;then  my stunningness melts into a puddle around my 5″ heels. So I’ve decided, instead of telling you what I know about myself, to quote Anne of Green Gables- “If you let me tell you what I imagine about myself  you’d find it a lot more interesting. “

1. It’s easy to imagine I have the 42″ in-seam of Stacey Keibler, until I look in a mirror and realize my Short Length jeans are dragging on the ground.

2. I like to imagine I have the pale alabaster skin of Nicole Kidman, or Queen Elizabeth, until I look in the mirror and see that my pale skin is blotchy and uneven.

3. As I cannot look into my own eyes, it is easy to imagine the color of my eyes is cerulean blue (that was always my favorite color crayon), that is, until I look in a mirror and see that my eyes are, in fact, just a poopy brown color.

4. It’s nice to imagine that my Sweater Meat actually looks good under a sweater, until I look into a mirror and realize that I just look fat in sweaters.

5. To the touch, my thighs and ass compare to steel; that in no way helps me when I attempt to fit them into a pair of stylish low-rise jeans. (I come out looking like I have two asses)

6. I like to pretend that I have the curly flowing locks of a Bavarian princess (I don’t actually know if Bavaria has princesses, but it sounded good) until I look in the mirror and remember I need 4 different kinds of hair product to make the frizz on my head acceptable for public display.

7. It’s easy to imagine that I have a full desirable face and figure (like Scarlett Johanssen), until I look in a mirror and see that those little statues of Buddha and I have disturbingly similiar features.

8. I imagine my neck is one to be spoken of reverently in poetry, perhaps being decribes as long and slender, and then I look in the mirror and realize I should change my name to Sparklebumps NoNeck.

9. My boss Frenchie once described me as “having an hourglass figure”. I was excited until I looked in the mirror and realized he must have been looking THROUGH an hourglass  when he described my figure. (Because honestly, there is only a two inch difference between my waist and hips)

10. I like to imagine I have an attractive beauty mark that girls will one day imitate with piercings, like Cindy Crawford or Marilyn, but then I look in the mirror and see I display a multitude of “beauty marks” that will in no way be duplicated appealingly.

11. It’s easy to imagine I have a Dolly Parton rack, until I remember I don’t have as much money as she does to maintain it.

Oh well, at least my feet look cute in shoes…

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12 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Fashion, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

12 responses to “Things I Can Imagine About Myself If I Don’t Look In A Mirror

  1. I have the body of an 18 year old! My wife told me to give it back. I’m getting it all stretched and wrinkled.

  2. Maybe its your perception of Beautiful that is wrong, I think you are beautiful and always will. Being perfect is not everything it is made out to be and nobody can keep up with been perfect unless they have the time and the money to fill themselves with plastic. I can not complain about my eyes or my height though, sorry.

  3. I think most women feel this way… Vampires indeed. I love the color of your eyes! They aren’t a “poopy” brown… They remind me of eyes in a movie where the heroin gets all passionate and her eyes have this inner light in them. 🙂

  4. I’m with you there. What REALLY sucks is being so small that they don’t make high heels shoes my size (4 girls). I mean, I’m the one who needs the height the most! Also, I have less than two inches between my ribs and my hips (pregnancy was LOADS of fun) and my eyes are a shade of green most resembling baby diarrhea. We are quite the pair.

  5. Mirrors. Another reason we all secretly wish we were vampires.

  6. I love the first two sentences! I feel the same way. And in truth, I love the rest of the post, too.

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