Suckage Part 2: “Breaking Dawn” or Breaking Down?

On to part 2… Sorry, I may drag this out.

I have readily admitted that I failed to read Twilight in it’s entirety. Now will ashamedly admit that I DID read the rest of the series. I  will tell you why. Because I work in a bookstore, and so I feel that it is my job to keep abreast of the popular literature of the day. Too bad for me. That is not to say that I wasn’t entertained by Bella’s adventures in the last 3 books; actually, quite the contrary. But it wasn’t because I was drawn into the heart-wrenching love story, or the “epic” (there’s that word again) battles, or even the werewolves. No, no. It was because as the series went on, it got only more and more ridiculous, and by the end of Breaking Dawn (the 4th book) I was laughing my fool head off. (out loud)

There is not really much to say about New Moon, other than “Way to go again, Stephanie! You once again made every pre-teen girl want a debilitating relationship with a sparkly vampire.” Edward leaves Bella because he is afraid for her safety, which sends Bella into a depressive state for 4 months. Great inspirational reading for today’s kids. Don’t worry. He comes back. (I personally think he came back because what dude who hasn’t had sex in 100 yrs could stay away from a horny girl who throws herself at him?)

LALALA. I don’t really remember much about Eclipse either, except that in order to get Edward to agree to turn her into a vampire, Bella unenthusiastically agrees to marry him. I really think she didn’t want to say yes because then she wouldn’t have had a hot werewolf bugging her all the time. Points for Stephanie Meyer- she got me to wanna see what happens in the last book.

Breaking Dawn. I don’t even know how to begin.  I believe Stephanie Meyer thought that exact same thing when she sat down to write this poppycock. It begins with Bella and Edward getting married and going to stay on their own personal island for their honeymoon. They do it, (finally!) and then I have decided that Bella must have sucked (not literally) in bed, because Edward’s like, “Umm, no. We are NOT doing that again.” He gives the excuse that his rock hard…. abs and other assorted muscles left too many bruises on her, so he makes her do other fun stuff that you are supposed to do on an island. 3 or 4 weeks later, (sorry, it’s been a long time since I read it) Bella realizes, “Damn! I haven’t been on the rag for awhile, I must be pregnant!” then “AGH! My baby is growing at an extremely accelerated pace and ripping my guts out!” So they go back home to the family doctor, (yes, that was a pun) and Edward, like the normal prick he is, becomes completely unsupportive and tries to get Bella to abort. During this time, Jacob the werewolf is back and he feels compelled to stay by Bella’s side at all times. So in less than a month, Bella ejaculates this perfect baby and dies. (Hallelujah!) But no. Stephanie couldn’t have just been smart and left her dead. She made Edward turn her into a vampire. The coolest, slickest vampire that ever lived. (or didn’t live, if you wanna be technical) By the way, she still has no personality. And in the time that it took her to turn, Jacob fell in love with her baby. Yeah. I’ll repeat it. Jacob, who is 17, is “in love” with the baby. WTF?!How did the only character who had a personality in the book end up being a pedifile?! They blame it on this thing called imprinting, which I think Stephanie just threw in there to keep Bella from looking like a major cunt because she didn’t have the balls to tell Jacob to go away. Anyway, the only thing I can think of is that Stephanie Meyer did some acid, or smoked some really good weed before she figured out what she was going to name the baby. She named it Renesmee. Say it out loud. You will laugh too. It’s supposed to be Bella’s mom’s name intigrated with Edward’s mom’s name. It just ends up sounding like Bella was drunk. Anyway, the kid grows up to be a three-year-old just like that, and there’s almost another “epic” battle, (that doesn’t matter) and everyone lives happily ever after.  I read through this book so hastily, waiting to see how it progressed, and I was not disappointed. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any stupider, it did. I was so wildly entertained that I told everyone I worked with about the “worst book I had ever read.”

I’m sorry I didn’t post something more interesting, but I gots lots to do today at work. Be happy! XOXO