This will not be one of my witty posts that I am so well known for. Instead, it’s a post that let’s you know how quickly a window you look through and see a perfect picture can shatter, and you are left wondering how to pick up the pieces.
So, the other day, my Rockstar changed the the air filter in my POS car. We joked about how I should really not waste any more money maintaining it, since he has been convinced since the birth of our relationship that my car is on it’s last legs. (Or tires, if you wish). My car started right up after he had finished doctoring it, and we went inside and proceeded with our night.
The next day, I was intent on making my daily pilgimage to McDonald’s, and my car wouldn’t start. I was not immediately concerned, because I assumed that whatever was wrong had to do with the doctoring we had done the day before, and that perhaps we disconnected something. I spent the day learning much mechanical things, watching Youtube videos on how to get your car to start and what to check when it wouldn’t. I feel much less helpless now. However, nothing I learned was directly related to the problem with my car.
When my Rockstar got home, he attempted to find the problem, but to no avail. We then went inside, and I asked him what I should do. He said, “I’ve told you what to do with that piece of shit since the beginning.”
Now, I may have mentioned my Rockstar’s utter lack of sweet talking in the past, and here is a perfect example. I realize that I need a new car. I ALSO realize that I have shit credit, so I cannot get a loan for a new car; I do not own a money tree, so I cannot go pay cash for a new car, and I do not expect my Rockstar in any way to give me money or co-sign for a new car. However, since we are in a committed relationship, I, for some silly reason, do expect a little sympathy, and perhaps a little help in discovering a solution to problems that may arise. Instead, my Rockstar informed me that he had no intentions of changing his Thanksgiving weekend plans of going to his family’s in South Dakota, and that I was on my own for figuring out rides to and from work. Or in his words, “You’ll have to call a cab.”
One thing some of you may not realize is that working as a Pizza Slut is at most times, NOT a lucrative position. If I had money to afford taxi rides to and from work, I would most certainly have money to get my car fixed before the weekend. Instead, yesterday my Rockstar and I had a conversation, and it went something like this:
Him: So you know you’re going to have take a cab to work this weekend right?
Me: Yes, I’ve realized that you won’t be around to help.
Him: Well, if you can get out of work, then you won’t have to sit home alone on Thanksgiving. You can come with us.
Me: If I don’t go to work, I won’t have money to get my car fixed. I’m not really worried about sitting home alone, I’m more worried about the fact that you’re being an asshole about the whole thing. It’s not exactly what I need at this moment.
Him: I’m not being an asshole. But if you’re not happy with the way things are, you need to change them. I’ve been working overtime, and I’m not going to sit here just because you have a shitty job that can’t pay for stuff. The way I see it at this second is that you are a hopeless case. You have no money, and you have no family that will help you out. If you expect us to get a house together and everything to be fine, you are going to have to show me you can step it up. And I don’t understand the importance of your blog. It seems like maintaining that is more important to you than finding a decent job.
So, here is evidence that I really DO live in my own little world. Because I was under the impression that there were no bumps in our relationship. Instead, I find that there are giant canyons in the road, and since he fails to mention them, I end up falling into them. Yes, I realize that getting fired from my bookstore was not exactly ideal. However, my pizza gig is less hours, but with tips I make the same if not a little bit more money that I did. Yes, I should get another job, but I wasn’t aware that working as a waitress made me unworthy and subject to such ass-face-edness from my Rockstar. As far as my blog goes, yes, it got me fired from my job, but it is about writing, and my readers assure me it is worth my time.
After his outburst, (which was really more of his quiet voice emitting no emotion whatsoever) I was speechless. He has mentioned in the past that my talent for writing is going to waste as I slave away at menial jobs; but I have never once asked him for money, and I don’t want to be loved or not loved according to what I do to pay my bills. His reaction to my car breaking down made me feel that I am little more than an inconvenience, and that makes me feel that I should remove myself from the situation so I am no longer a bother to him.
I went to another room and tried to mute my sobbing. After taking a couple deep breaths, I went back out to him and basically told him that if he truly loves me, he must give some indication. I informed him that I only want someone to sit next to and hold my hand; someone who WANTS to spend time with me, even if it’s doing something he’s not especially fond of; someone who loves me despite the fact that I have a shitty car and a shitty job; and someone who will tell me everything will be ok when shit falls apart- not someone who says it’s my own damn fault.
After my little speech (which took quite a long time to get out, since I was alternating between snotting all over the place and squeezing my eyes shut to stop the tears), he said, “I’m not complaining about our relationship.”
Someone please translate this Man Speak. Because it certainly sounded like he was pointing out all the things that are wrong. I honestly don’t know what to do or what to think.
How can two people be in a relationship where one person thinks things are nearly perfect, yet the other person is thinking their significant other isn’t good enough?
P.S. I KNOW I am good enough, I just am confused as to why he doesn’t think so.
Sparklebumpsthebookwhore 
You’re not ‘kind of’ a bitch, you’re a TOTAL did you really think I was going to call you that? *wink* I’m glad to hear he came back for you. He seems better now. And I hope everything works out. Most of the time, “asshole” and “bitch” are temporary.
I assure you, it’s permanent. At least in my case.
I disagree that you are your circumstances. You are what you MAKE of your circumstances, maybe.
I read that whole thing again, and he sounds kind of like an asshole. On the one hand, he wants you to get out of work so you can come with him. On the other hand, he attacks your job and your personal life. It sounds like he would rather tell his family that you got out of work than tell them you stayed behind to work at Pizza Hut. It also sounds like it registered that your car troubles only started after he screwed with it.
He isn’t being supportive. All that stuff about “stepping it up” sounds like something a father would say to a daughter, or a boss to a subordinate.
None of this means he doesn’t love you, only that he is fucking up in your time of need. Thanksgiving was to be spent with family. If he intends on you being in his family, then he should step it up.
He IS kind of an asshole. But I’m kind of a bitch. That’s what makes us so amazing together. Seriously.
By the way, he DID come back a day early so I’d have a way to work.
I’m sorry but I do not agree with the theory that it’s not you, it’s your circumstances. We -are- our circumstances in so many ways. I think this is a big deal Sparkle. It needs to be worked through for sure. Personally I’d be most concerned about what seems to be a total lack of compassion, but then there is also the hypocracy since he’s in the same financial boat. It also seemed pretty damnded judgemental. Good luck with this, Honey… Please don’t ignore it. You are amazing and they way you want to be loved… Simply and to be told it’ll be ok, is certainly NOT too much to ask for.
Yes, I think I agree with you. Sadly, I’m not exactly sure how to deal with it.
Have you ever seen the movie What Happens in Vegas with Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher (came out eons ago)? If not, I will try and find the last part of it on youtube…and then this next comment will make more sense.
I do a mean junk punch.
Yes, I’ve thought of that. But then his stuff wouldn’t work…
Just for a couple of minutos. Haha, but yes I see the point. Men. Geesh.
Probably because the Vikings suck. You’re awesome Sparkle. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently.
You’re right. The Vikings DO suck.
It’s like a sports team. A guy has a favorite, one that he always roots for. He might complain about certain players, or decisions, or say they need to get rid of one or two players or coaches, or change some things, or say they had a bad game, but he is not going to stop rooting for that team just because of these things.
You and he, together, are his favorite team, Sparklebumps.
He used to like the Vikings. He doesn’t anymore…
I basically agree with Kana and Gillian so I won’t bother reiterating what they said. I do think *some* men have a very tough time saying what’s really on their mind. (Broadbrush generalizations about gender result in assumptions and do more harm than good.) When they feel in any way cornered – be it physically, emotionally, financially, etc – it all comes spilling out, like flood waters bursting through a dam. That rarely turns out well.
Nobody likes being told their shortcomings or how they should comport themselves, especially during moments of tension. There appears to be a lot percolating beneath the surface of your relationship, at least from what you say. For any relationship to work, those things need to be discussed rationally and without judgement. That’s a hard thing to do for a lot of people. But it needs to happen. I really hope you two can work it out.
Well, I wasn’t aware there were so many terrible issues in my relationship. Apparently I’m a dumbass.
not terrible issues, just regular relationship type challenges. I think we all have to work on these things.
No no no! MY life is not supposed to have these stupid little issues!
I think Gillian and Savourthefolly have got it. It’s not you. It’s your circumstances. He wants to know (and see) that you are doing something about improving them. If you’re all about just living and making it, and he’s trying to get to some particular goal, even if you like each other, it probably won’t work out. Unless you come to some sort of agreement. He’s clearly not satisfied with your current state. Not YOU. Your STATE. If you’re not willing to take steps toward improving/changing it, and he’s not willing to accept that, your relationship is probably not going very far. Really, you need to talk to him about it. When you’re both calm and can be reasonable with each other.
So, in the meantime, I’m supposed to overlook HIS current state? He’s in the same boat as I am….
Oh, no, ma’am! You get to speak your mind too! That’s where the real conversation comes in. You both get to say what you think and feel, an respond to one another’s thoughts and feelings. And it may be a good thing that you didn’t respond right away. Sometimes, that time is needed.
yes I’m very greedy that way. 🙂
you mean I get her and my husband, or I ditch him and take up with you two?
Well, technically, since you have a husband, you don’t need us… but I’d be ok with it, if you must be so greedy. 😉
I’m pretty sure I called dibs on her already.
Wait, what?! Has she been lying to me this whole time? What say you to a marriage of 3?
okay maybe you don’t want his money, but all I feel like saying to him is: “I tell you what, I’m willing to start looking for a better paying job if you’ll start contributing an equal share of the rent money.”
We split the rent, and I buy groceries and he pays the utilities. It’s not like I’m leeching off of him. So I don’t like it when he ACTS like I am. ESPECIALLY when I do most of the cooking. (which I hate)
Please select the correct answer:
A) “yeah. it sounds like some tensions building up over differences in preference of life style. I’m sorry, I know those things are really hard.”
B) “what an asshole. you’re not leeching off him!”
C) “I say we blow him off tonight and go out for drinks.”
D) all of the above
E. All of the above, and I must convince H.E. to become lesbian, so I can marry her. 🙂
My fiancee and I can have the same problem sometimes, my job is what I love but I don’t make as much money at it, and he mainly gets bothered because mine can be physically exhausting and leave me exhausted. I know what you mean with the money thing, I don’t have to be making a whole lot, I just want to enjoy what I do.
It’s so frustrating. I loved my bookstore, and yes I don’t relish being a waitress, but that’s what’s come up for now. Things change all the time.
Sparklebumps, it seems like he’s trying to let you know some of the things that are important to him in choosing a life partner (i.e. your proposal) – things that he needs for himself. It sounds like more financial stability is pretty important to him. Not saying it has to be a deal breaker but it sounds like he’s trying to begin the negotiation process. I know every relationship is different, but it can be difficulties like this that can really build tension over the years – and exactly the kinds of things that my husband and I are now learning to talk about. I’m not sure what you’re values are – or your preferences are in terms of a job – but maybe you can more comfortably tolerate some of the down sides of being underemployed then he can.
just a thought though. good luck. 🙂
Thank you for helping me analyze though. XOXO He’s been sucking up today.
Well, I told him right away before we were even dating that I hate money and that is not what makes a relationship. What annoys me is that he bitches at me about not making enough dollars, but when he spends money, it’s in very large amounts. My living with him is saving him $300-$400 dollars a month, but since we’ve been living together, he has spent that extra money every month on God-knows-what. I have not said one word because, like I said, I don’t want his money.
Sparkle, he did indicate that he has no problem with your relationship. Maybe he’s bound up about seeing his family and diverting his stress. Maybe he loves the shit out of you but can’t think around the problems of money – which are there if you care about it or not. I’m just guessing here and I am supposed to speak Male. My thoughts are with you.
I care about the problems of money, but it doesn’t do any good to worry about them. What upsets me is he is basically giving me an ultimatum- get a decent job or he is not willing to commit to me completely. So I’ve been thinking of joining the Marines. At least then I would have a steady paycheck.
I would suggest he was saying “if your not happy with the way things are, you need to change them”. Everything he said after that was probably trying to sweeten that a little bit. On more than one occassion I, myself have made things worse while trying to take the sting out of what I have just said.
Also when he said “Well, if you can get out of work, then you won’t have to sit home alone on Thanksgiving. You can come with us.”, that could be translated to, “how about you get off of work and come to Thanks giving with my family, it would be good to get away from it all for a bit and we will deal with the car when we get back”. In which case your response could have cut some and lead to him being a little more direct than he would normally be. Us manly men types can be more sensitive than we let on you know?
Well, maybe all you men need to take a class that teaches how to say what you mean without sounding like A-holes. And then during the test, if you mess up, you get a sound beating from a woman with a whip…
On another note, I do not complain about my life or job- he does. Maybe he needs to change them?
Just to make sure we are on the same page the woman with the whip is supposed to be a bad thing, Right?
Well, yes. Maybe I should have said man so there was no confusion.Although, I can be quite scary when I have my whip out…
What I’ve found to be true of men is that most don’t handle change well. If his reaction seems out of character I think this might be the case. Most men get defensive when they need to be reassured. Even the good ones. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be hurt by his words, but I don’t think you should automatically believe that this is a flaw in his character or your relationship. Besides, who doesn’t adore you? I know I do!
Apparently charm isn’t enough- it seems I need money too…
Release yourself!
Is that a nice way of saying, “Dump his ass?”
I’m hiding in the bathroom at my mothers house (on of the monsters) and just wanted to say I’ll write more when I’m not thumb typing, but I think he’s just saying he wants to live with you and the two of you need to figure out how to pay the bills? It is so easyto misunderstand each other isn’t it?
I’ve been told I over react about things. It’s one of the things that makes me irrestistable. 🙂
Just my personal opinion … I think he just wants to know that you want more than to be a pizza slut for the rest of your life and see some demonstrable effort in that direction. But … take that with a grain of salt, since I’ve never actually met either of you and am doing the arm chair psychologist thing.
I will say this though … you have true sparkle, I love to read your blog and it makes me smile regularly. Define yourself, don’t let anyone else, even your Rockstar do it and then go for it.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I don’t really care what I do for a living. I hate money. I want to love and be loved and to be able to read books. Everything else is just details…
And I’m so glad you like my blog. I don’t plan on quitting the writing.
Not necessarily … this is where you have to talk and figure out if your image of your life and his image of his life meet in the middle.
We both want to sit on a porch swing when we are old. Neither one of us has money to buy the house it should be attatched to.
That is man speak for … I’m fine being with you. He isn’t happy about the logistics of your life. Your job, your blog and your car have nothing to do with the essence of Sparklebumps. You are taking this too personally. He’s simply saying you’re choosing the logistics of your life, job, car, etc. so any issues that arise on those fronts are of your own making. He’s not saying that he has any issues with you as a person. Your decisions are made in context and based on circumstance, they are not the definition of your essence.
My guys is the same way … it’s not always pleasant.
But he probably doesn’t want to share my life if he hates the logistics, right?
They say chicks are “illogical,” but NOTHING beats man-speak for utter-lack-of-logic (usually combined with absolute self-assurance that their “take” is the RIGHT one)… My retrospective interpretation/answer to that question, with regard to my own first marriage, is that the only reason I ever gave the man to believe me “not good enough” was that I valued mySELF little enough to stay with a man who didn’t consider me good enough. (OK, maybe chick-thinking needs interpretation too–that’s pretty twisted around…)
I think I understand… 😉