This will not be one of my witty posts that I am so well known for. Instead, it’s a post that let’s you know how quickly a window you look through and see a perfect picture can shatter, and you are left wondering how to pick up the pieces.
So, the other day, my Rockstar changed the the air filter in my POS car. We joked about how I should really not waste any more money maintaining it, since he has been convinced since the birth of our relationship that my car is on it’s last legs. (Or tires, if you wish). My car started right up after he had finished doctoring it, and we went inside and proceeded with our night.
The next day, I was intent on making my daily pilgimage to McDonald’s, and my car wouldn’t start. I was not immediately concerned, because I assumed that whatever was wrong had to do with the doctoring we had done the day before, and that perhaps we disconnected something. I spent the day learning much mechanical things, watching Youtube videos on how to get your car to start and what to check when it wouldn’t. I feel much less helpless now. However, nothing I learned was directly related to the problem with my car.
When my Rockstar got home, he attempted to find the problem, but to no avail. We then went inside, and I asked him what I should do. He said, “I’ve told you what to do with that piece of shit since the beginning.”
Now, I may have mentioned my Rockstar’s utter lack of sweet talking in the past, and here is a perfect example. I realize that I need a new car. I ALSO realize that I have shit credit, so I cannot get a loan for a new car; I do not own a money tree, so I cannot go pay cash for a new car, and I do not expect my Rockstar in any way to give me money or co-sign for a new car. However, since we are in a committed relationship, I, for some silly reason, do expect a little sympathy, and perhaps a little help in discovering a solution to problems that may arise. Instead, my Rockstar informed me that he had no intentions of changing his Thanksgiving weekend plans of going to his family’s in South Dakota, and that I was on my own for figuring out rides to and from work. Or in his words, “You’ll have to call a cab.”
One thing some of you may not realize is that working as a Pizza Slut is at most times, NOT a lucrative position. If I had money to afford taxi rides to and from work, I would most certainly have money to get my car fixed before the weekend. Instead, yesterday my Rockstar and I had a conversation, and it went something like this:
Him: So you know you’re going to have take a cab to work this weekend right?
Me: Yes, I’ve realized that you won’t be around to help.
Him: Well, if you can get out of work, then you won’t have to sit home alone on Thanksgiving. You can come with us.
Me: If I don’t go to work, I won’t have money to get my car fixed. I’m not really worried about sitting home alone, I’m more worried about the fact that you’re being an asshole about the whole thing. It’s not exactly what I need at this moment.
Him: I’m not being an asshole. But if you’re not happy with the way things are, you need to change them. I’ve been working overtime, and I’m not going to sit here just because you have a shitty job that can’t pay for stuff. The way I see it at this second is that you are a hopeless case. You have no money, and you have no family that will help you out. If you expect us to get a house together and everything to be fine, you are going to have to show me you can step it up. And I don’t understand the importance of your blog. It seems like maintaining that is more important to you than finding a decent job.
So, here is evidence that I really DO live in my own little world. Because I was under the impression that there were no bumps in our relationship. Instead, I find that there are giant canyons in the road, and since he fails to mention them, I end up falling into them. Yes, I realize that getting fired from my bookstore was not exactly ideal. However, my pizza gig is less hours, but with tips I make the same if not a little bit more money that I did. Yes, I should get another job, but I wasn’t aware that working as a waitress made me unworthy and subject to such ass-face-edness from my Rockstar. As far as my blog goes, yes, it got me fired from my job, but it is about writing, and my readers assure me it is worth my time.
After his outburst, (which was really more of his quiet voice emitting no emotion whatsoever) I was speechless. He has mentioned in the past that my talent for writing is going to waste as I slave away at menial jobs; but I have never once asked him for money, and I don’t want to be loved or not loved according to what I do to pay my bills. His reaction to my car breaking down made me feel that I am little more than an inconvenience, and that makes me feel that I should remove myself from the situation so I am no longer a bother to him.
I went to another room and tried to mute my sobbing. After taking a couple deep breaths, I went back out to him and basically told him that if he truly loves me, he must give some indication. I informed him that I only want someone to sit next to and hold my hand; someone who WANTS to spend time with me, even if it’s doing something he’s not especially fond of; someone who loves me despite the fact that I have a shitty car and a shitty job; and someone who will tell me everything will be ok when shit falls apart- not someone who says it’s my own damn fault.
After my little speech (which took quite a long time to get out, since I was alternating between snotting all over the place and squeezing my eyes shut to stop the tears), he said, “I’m not complaining about our relationship.”
Someone please translate this Man Speak. Because it certainly sounded like he was pointing out all the things that are wrong. I honestly don’t know what to do or what to think.
How can two people be in a relationship where one person thinks things are nearly perfect, yet the other person is thinking their significant other isn’t good enough?
P.S. I KNOW I am good enough, I just am confused as to why he doesn’t think so.