Things I Never Thought I’d Say

I suppose I’ll start with the sexual ones. After all, would you expect anything less from me?

1. “I love giving blow jobs!”- Seriously, in younger years, the thought of sticking a man’s thingy in my mouth was quite horrifying, really. It has since become one of my favorite pasttimes. (My Rockstar is a lucky lucky man.)

2. “I swallow.” – Only on special occassions. Or when surprised.

3. “Spank me.”- Technically, this is not something I say (since I don’t talk dirty), but it IS something I enjoy. So if you ever meet me, feel free. That harder the better.

4. “I have anal beads.”- They were a “special gift” when I ordered my finger-tip vibrator. To be honest, I never understood the thrill. But I have them all the same.

5. “I’m sorry. I cannot, at this time, participate in a three-some.”- Sadly, it seems as soon as I am in a committed relationship, I get all these invites to do so. For the record, none of them would have included my Rockstar. If they had, I’d be busy right now.

As far as parenting goes:

6. “Because I said so!”- I HATED when my parents used this phrase as I was growing up, so I always try to give valid reasons for my having said so; however, I have come to realize that sometimes there’s just no arguing with a 9 year old.

7. “MY kid would never do that.”- Since my Rockstar’s Daughter isn’t mine, I find myself saying this quite frequently, actually.

8. “When I was a kid…” – I believe all the people in the world are convinced the parenting was better when they were a kid.

Sayings about money:

9. “I owe Victoria’s Secret $2800.” – Seriously. How was I to know it would get that bad?

10. “I owe $11,000 to credit cards and the I.R.S”- I actually just found this out last night when I actually added up all my bills. I now understand how Wesley Snipes ended up in the situation he was in.

11. “I make $8.50 an hour.”- Luckily, since getting fired from THAT job, I now bring in a shitload more of cash. Like $9.50.

12. “Yay! I found a quarter on the floor of my car right next to that french fry I dropped 6 months ago.”- The sad thing is, you think I’m joking. What I wouldn’t give for my own washer/dryer…

About life in general…

13. “I want you to use the clippers on my head.”- A few years ago, I went to the salon intent on getting a shaven faux hawk exactly like Rihanna’s. The girl convinced me NOT to allow clippers by saying, “You’re gonna look bald.” Incidentally, my haircut turned out fabulous, but I wouldn’t have minded looking bald. After all, I have a very nicely-shaped head. But I guess we’ll never know now, will we?!

14. “Fuck you.”- Given my religious background, and the fact that I wasn’t allowed to watch PG-13 movies growing up because of the language, it’s actually quite surprising this has ended up being my favorite angry phrase to utter. Although, when I think about it, it doesn’t really make any sense, because anyone I would say it to, I would most definitely NOT wish to fuck.

15.  “I LOVE Backstreet Boys!”- I fully admit that I woulda thunk it, but to actually say it aloud is a different story. Yes, I got crap for saying it in front of people too.

16. “I have nothing to wear.”- What a typical woman-type thing to say. I will make it unique by adding, “except shoes.”